HAPPY START OF CHRISTMAS Y'AAL!.............. YEAH!.............. So here we are again its the start of the festive season and even though retailers on the main part will have you think Christmas starts just after Easter it doesn't. If you go by the laws of out dated baby buggering religion it starts on Christmas Eve and ends 13 days later on the 6th of January.
Well it doesn't it starts on the pay day of November and normal people then get successfully pissed as shits with alarming regularity till the start of January when their money runs out, if asked about their actions in this period they will always say, "Yeah it's Christmas." See usually I'm a right miserable bastard, but this time of year gets me giddy as billy-o. It's not anything to do with the festive period it's the fact its proper winter and it drums back memories of wrapping up warm and Halloween half term, saving up me pocket money for fireworks and circling every Scalextric set in the Argos catalogue with a marker just to leave hints to my Parents.
Now my belief in Father Christmas waned a little by the time I was about 7 as he was a complete lie. I think it stemmed from me having a really bad case of tummy flu and wandered down stairs about 3 in the morning on Christmas day seeking attention like an abandoned kitten only to find my Mum frantically wrapping a Bigtrack in the downstairs loo and when I stuck my head in the lounge there was Me Dad asleep it his M&S shortie pyjamas fast asleep with an empty glass of sherry in front of him and a half eaten mice pie on his chest and his false teeth with pie crumbs on 'em .................. In his top pyjama pocket.
I went to bed confused and probably pissed the bed out of protest too! Now think of that scene 12 years later and I bring my new Mrs Cath to meet my folks at Christmas and see pretty much the same thing and get really embarrassed. And forward on a further 17 years and that's all I ever see at Dad's on Christmas Day! I think he still has the same shortie pyjamas.
So what to do with Father Christmas now? Well I think we should have him as a dour hard black man a bit like Samuel L Jackson hence the picture above and he stays around when kids get to their presents and tells them to open the mother fuckers and damn well fuckin' enjoy them even if they think they're shit.
Or you could have this
All Hail Bother Funkmass!
Just so you know I've drank three cans of dark ale while writing this and am a bit pissed!
Who cares it's CHRISTMAS YEAH!
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