LOVE IS IN THE AIR EVERY WHERE I LOOK AROUND.................... NOT FOR ME THOUGH YEAH!

So the schools are back, I know this for a couple of reasons, firstly my morning stroll to work doesn't feel like the opening scenes of 28 Days Later and secondly I had to get on a bus on Friday afternoon at home time and it was packed.

See the thing is I don't do public transport............ at all if I can help it but unfortunately I am forced with two exceptions. 1. London as I have no choice and to be fair it's not that bad as most people on it don't smell of piss and I once saw a poor Hassidic Jewish boy about twelve years old getting mercilessly picked on by his peers as he didn't have a Myspace page. 2. The 600 from Carlisle to Cockermouth, this is usually quite an enjoyable trip as I don't do it very often and it's usually empty too so I just sprawl out on the back seat listening to some gritty HipHop loudly as I rumble through the West Cumbrian countryside as I pretend I'm a out of place "Street," FBI agent sent to investigate an international crime syndicate based out of a take away in Bothel........with hilarious consequences!!!!

Anyway this time it was packed with school kids which wasn't odd in its self, what was odd was they all seemed to be coupled up, seriously they were all seated girl boy girl boy girl boy and so on with a few of them clutching hands so tightly they looked like some weird Siamese Twins. So instead of feeling like Agent Urban from New York I felt like a rapidly ageing teacher desperately trying to cling on to his youth ushering a crap class outing to the Lakes. I made it to my destination without much incident apart from most of Cockermouth being shut down due to the food festival so I carried on with the business in hand of pints and and a catch up with a good friend I'd not seen for a while. I think we overdid it on the pints though as my Lagerlepsy kicked in after I had a curry which is a terrible affliction I have which seems to kick in after a bout of booze Olympics, food and a sitting down on a couch.

So yesterday I woke up next to a large Alsatian which isn't euphemism for anything it was just my pals dog who thought he'd keep us company and Christ I was rough and after a sausage barm and a pie from the butchers I was still a bit shaky. I had about half hour to kill before the bus back home so I thought I'd drop into to the town and check out the food festival for a hangover cure. Now Cockermouth is quite a tourist spot and even at midday the place was really really busy and I hate crowds at the best of times so I just made a beeline for this bakery stall where there was only two women... well I say two but one of them was possibly the fattest person I have ever seen she looked like she had a wet duvet shoved down her leggings and, which wasn't a surprise she was American. As this Chippopotamus and her quite fit friend grazed on the free samples on show she harped on in a southern drawl about how she, " Honestly eats like a mouse." I looked at the stall owner in utter disbelief on hearing this and started cough as I was holding back a massive laugh and stopping myself from asking was it her glands then that were scoffing vast amounts of french fried pataders in order make her the size of cross channel ferry............... the stall owner just looked at her shoes.

So get on the bus which is busy again and set about my usual journey task of looking out the window and listening to music and ignoring the other passengers when the bus stops and these two kids about 13 or 14 get on and sit right in front of me and they are attached to each other so much so the young lad has his hand shoved down the back of her leopard print leggings cupping her arse and when they sit down they go right at it! Proper snogging, bit of titting up and more it was more akin to something you would see in the dark bits at the back of a school disco not on an busy early afternoon bus. I mean fair do to them though they didn't care who was there and the scornful looks from the old prudish Cumbrian women made me hoot with joy! and in the snippits of convo I catch in between music tracks I can muster they were off to his house which was "Free" to spend the afternoon in a bout of clumsy "Experimentation."

Don't get me out of context here I wasn't blatantly staring and a couple of under age kids here getting some weird noncy kick out of it, it was just so blatantly public and the reaction of some of the other passengers made the whole situation really funny. But it did start me thinking that are they not a bit young for that sort of thing?

I thought about it for about a millisecond and concluded that no they aren't. I think everyone starts their clumsy fumblings about that sort of age, I know I did. It made me think back to a heady summer evening in John Lee Park in Altrincham in 1989 it was a late July evening can't remember the exact date but we had broke up from school but I remember the night as I got my first hand job and blow job the two went hand in hand to so to speak. She was called Louise and we had spent a romantic few hours sharing four cans of Special Brew and ten Silk Cut and had adjourned to the adventure playground bit by the memorial bench for some privacy and that is where the magic happened. I say magic but looking back at the whole experience it was really clumsy, it was both our first times doing anything like that the handjob part was so violent she beat my poor chap like mafia boss collecting a debt and as for the blowjob, it kind of wasn't and when I looked down I saw something that looked a bit like a dog trying to eat  a bag of really hot chips. But after that bit was done she let me kiss her fanny, not go down on her just give it peck on the cheek type kiss. I was mega excited I'd never seen a real fanny in the flesh before and when I pulled down her trakky bottoms she had blond pubes.... I'd never seen blond pubes before and bear in mind this was the eighties so all the porn mags of the time were crammed full of pubes generally attached to slightly overweight middle aged women with perms leaning on a Triumph TR7 with a vinyl roof. The whole night seemed so magical at the time and still does I find it hard to recreate that excitement now, I do get close to it when I find some loose fries at the bottom of a McDonald's bag.

So really enjoy your fumblings when you can cos once you get past about 25 everything, no matter what it is, sex, holidays, nights out anything new just becomes routine and fucking boring.

ENJOY AGEING................... IN A BIT YEAH! 

SUMMER WANES... THE NIGHTS DRAW IN........AND I'VE GOT NEW NEIGHBORS!!

I've got the heating on, really have for the first time and this now signifies the start of Winter so it's official. I'm  actually starting to get that itchy stomach excitement at the thought of Firework night and working sweatshop style hours in the run up to Christmas.

I like Winter and I like cold weather, mainly as it seems to quell everbodys faux happiness that people in this country get when we see a glimpse of sunshine and you don't have to listen to young people wittering on making plans to do stuff they are never in a month of Sundays going to do but yet still talk about it later on in the year  like they have in a strange distorted "If only," conversation. Saying that I remember doing things like that in my teens and remember that I stopped doing it when real life stepped in and crushed out any forward planning and goodwill from me.

Anyway talking of young people and the future of the country I was pulling my wheely bin in before and noticed some new neighbours moving in a few doors down on the cul-de-sac. Young fit bird neighbours too hence why my attention was lifted. The couple that used to live there before were a pair of fuckin' weirdos, they used to have a Union Jack constantly erected in the garden and were fat fucks too, proper blobby cunts that dressed weird, I had no idea where he worked but three times this Summer I saw him getting in his car to go to work wearing a blazer, shirt and tie teamed with a pair of khaki shorts and a pair of very shiny oxblood brogues........... Wanker. His Mrs even though the size of a hippo had an attractive face that had a life trodden scowl permanently imprinted on it probably due to the fact everything she wore looked like hand me downs from Queen Latifah's 1989 wardrobe and they had a kid too which as you can already guess was fat an all, but not baby chubby it was the sort of fat that you only see in the US the poor little thing just looked taut and leaky and uncomfortable, never saw it walk either it just used to jump up and down on this little trampet with a handrail on it in the garden or was strapped to it's push chair and it was always balling crying too and when it stopped the mother used to give it a hefty crack just to set it off again....... Seriously, I was in the Post Office once and they were in front of us and the nipper reached for a sherbet dib dab or something and she wrenched it from its hand slapped it and shouted, " Don't you dare touch that it's dirty."

Anyway I won't miss them especially as some spanky new bodies have moved in!

So it was a bit of an odd moment I was just coming back from town and had turned into my road to let myself in the back door and first I heard Michelle Branch being played from a car stereo and then saw three young women two wearing bandannas and one wearing denim shorts and Converse Allstars getting boxes and stuff from their cars. At first I thought I had gone through some odd time warp and ended up on the set of American Pie 2. Michelle Branch for fucks sake??? I think she had one hit ages ago, so long ago in fact last time I heard it I was still living in Germany I have put a link up of said song in case you have never heard it or forgot it. Plus bandannas and daisy dukes where did they come from? I'm not complaining especially on the daisy dukes front but the only thing I can deduce now is that since schools now call terms "Semesters," and having a pissing Prom school leavers now must think finishing their A levels or "Graduating,"as license to live their lives like a teen movie or as a continuation of their Glee secondary school years.  If that is the case where are they going to spend Spring Break? It really isn't that nice in the UK and being huddled round a camping gaz fire in a static caravan in Allonby gunning cans of White Lightening doesn't compare to a beach house in Malibu.

So a little later I went out pull my bin back in and one of them, Alice, she introduced herself, came over and asked if it was bin day and where they should leave the bins to be emptied and where was OK to park on the road and told me they were students at the arts college and also what was the best way to go into town. Nice!............... only a two minute exchange but more conversation than I got in two years from the two tubby mongles that lived there before.

I have had a horrible thought though regarding the Michelle Branch track being played. When that song came  out in 2001 I can say these girls were probably about six or seven which probably means they remember it from thier parents playing it which makes me feel very very old.

However it will not stop me from thinking about them having a pillow fight in their underwear and drunkenly lezzing it up tonight to celebrate moving into their new house.

Laters yeah!