WE ARE PROBABLY THE LAST OF A GENERATION

So here we are we catch ourselves in 2014 and what a magnolia year it has been!......... Well nothings happened politically unless your a member of UKIP in which case you can fuck off in all ways as your a Nazi Fuck Face and how dare you say such things about Lenny Henry.

So for the last ten years Ive been trying to find a copy of an album that apparently doesn't exist. It's a UFO remix one from 1993 and I know it existed as I had it on CD and I only lost it when I had my car lost/stolen in Frankfurt in the Summer of 2000 after a bout of memory loss at Dorian Greys under Frankfurt airport. I say lost/stolen as I was peaches when I parked it and 2 days later all the streets looked the same and gave up looking for it and reported it stolen.

Anyway an old friend sent it to us today so fuck all you people that said I was imagining it. So I'm listening to it now and remembering lots of stuff from 1993 and 1994 and beyond and it gets Me thinking, we are all in our late 30's and early 40's now and as I look back we are all from a generation that when presented with something We looked at it inquisitively and instead of saying Why?........... We just said why not!

So that's it in this world we live in of bent nihilism and social media led segregation where a nod and a wink seems to means nothing. Are our kids just going to live in a world that resembles Logans Run?....... (you die at 30)

When I was younger you would try anything with trust and without any fear, a C90 cassette would have anything from HipHop to Acid Jazz to a shity House mix on it but you'd listen to it and appreciate its work, or you'd be handed some pills in different colours which were all E's which cost 15 quid plus, Lemon and Limes, Pink Pigs, Quarter Pounders and Speckled Doves to mention but a few. You didn't questin it you just thought, "Oooh I'll give that a try!" I remember one night back in 1992, I think it was at Bowlers when Moby was on my friend Ben went to get sorted and came back with two bags full off white powder, the conversation went like this:-

Ben - Sorted mate coke and ket

Me - Cor nice one which ones which?

Ben - Don't know

Me - Let's dab them we'll know then

Ben - Yeah

DABDABDABDABDAB

Me - They both taste as shit as each other which ones the ket my face has gone numb?

Ben - Don't know lets just mix them together

Me - Yeah!

Ben - Yeaaah!

............................................................. Yeah so I spent the night unable to move sat in a speaker with a furious erection, good night though kept getting touched up by birds in neon cycling shorts with one peice swim suits over the top....... oh if only I could go back!

So we got older and possibly wiser but I'm sure my outlook still says the same. We are of a breed that says why not and not why? 

So if anyone reading this falls into the exclusive Why Not? club you can agree with me when anyone asks you what have you done with your life? you can respond :-

"Well pretty much everything I've wanted to do and a lot of things I haven't plus stuff you would only dream of doing as you asked me that question........ And why?......... Well why the fuck not!"

As an awful foot note I have just been told that one of the greatest Why Not people in the country has sadly left us the fantastic Patricia Bertram. RIP. I only met her a few times but she was a tiny woman with a huge heart. The first time I met her was when my Best Pal Dan took over a pub in Cockermouth and I went across to see him, when i got there everyone was drunk and she sensed I was a bit out of place and as she came back from the loo and demanded a taxi be rang for her she dragged me down and gave me a gentle scrub on the head and said, "I think you'll fit in here just fine." I then bought her drink. 

WELCOME TO 2013 THE YEAR OF........... FUCK KNOWS!

Happy New Year yeah. A fresh start. Shaking off the cobwebs of the year before. Planning of a bright new future. Full of enthusiasm for what is a new a strut to success.............. Yeah well I hope you are as no fucker else I know in this Country is.

Usually this time of year everyone is quiet but content, steady, weary off all the Christmas and New Year excesses. Not going out but having a quiet night in watching good winter telly and curling up on sofa drinking all the left over booze from Christmas that you wouldn't usually drink at any other time of the year like Advocaat and Creme de Menthe. By the weekend your on neat Campari and Dubonnet Red, all the good and normal stuff went a few days after new year!

But not this year though the whole Country is braced for for something bad happening and it is happening. The streets are empty of shoppers and businesses are closing down like billy-o. It's the first time I have really seen an economy, Country and even a City starting to crumble and it upsets me. I suppose I should have seen it coming but like most people in the World I've been too busy every day fannying about doing my utmost to enjoy myself and busy myself with thoughts of what I should be really doing, to busy to see the noose around my ankles tightening up year by year to the point where I went into work today and we all just got strung up to the ceiling by our ankles while a big fat Arab came in and took his cock out of his shemagh and jabbed us in the face with it for eight hours. I know some people that would pay for that experience............... I wouldn't.

I'm further upset by the fact over the Festive period I had some Family stuff to deal with, my mad old indestructible Dad is now terminally ill and for a short stretch thought we were going to lose him, we didn't, but we will soon, on the plus point it has forced Me and My Sis to make friends again and she gave us her dog Rosie but on the other hand while having some alone time it the intensive care waiting room I started to panic about not hitting my kpi targets for having an extra day off to go to Manchester to not miss my Dad possibly die. That's fine if I was earning £200000 a year...... I'm not..... No where near, about a tenth of it. But then I thought I can't be the only person in that or even worse position, I mean no matter how bad things got that day at least I got a free spaniel out of it.

But then I also thought spaniel or no spaniel fifteen years ago I said I was going to have retired by now and I was officially working into my retirement. I gotta work.

I hope you like that track, I wrote it back one Christmas in 2001, I was in a Burger King in New York and wrote the words gotta work and syke over and over again in biro on a napkin while Sam And Daves Hold On I'm Comin' played in the background. I got up and left to go and get pissed and snort cocaine and left the napkin on the table and..................................BANG... this comes out six years later. Well Ameriie you fucking thieving bitch whenever it comes on everyone knows now I wrote it but still thinks Beyonce sang it ..........................SO...........FUCKING.............THERE!!!!!!!!


See I could have retired on that alone, but Ameriie if you are reading this I will happily drop any royalty feltching and sign over the rights, promise not to go on Oprah and talk about it and tell everybody in the pub it was you and not Beyonce that sang it if you send me a signed polaroid of your cute little chocolate knockers!


Right laters Yeah

See what February brings, heard the military are developing a zombie race in Douenray to work in the retail sector or burying trucks in Sellafield. Gonna pop down and rattle some bushes with some dead squirrels see what happens.




INNABIT!

LOVE IS IN THE AIR EVERY WHERE I LOOK AROUND.................... NOT FOR ME THOUGH YEAH!

So the schools are back, I know this for a couple of reasons, firstly my morning stroll to work doesn't feel like the opening scenes of 28 Days Later and secondly I had to get on a bus on Friday afternoon at home time and it was packed.

See the thing is I don't do public transport............ at all if I can help it but unfortunately I am forced with two exceptions. 1. London as I have no choice and to be fair it's not that bad as most people on it don't smell of piss and I once saw a poor Hassidic Jewish boy about twelve years old getting mercilessly picked on by his peers as he didn't have a Myspace page. 2. The 600 from Carlisle to Cockermouth, this is usually quite an enjoyable trip as I don't do it very often and it's usually empty too so I just sprawl out on the back seat listening to some gritty HipHop loudly as I rumble through the West Cumbrian countryside as I pretend I'm a out of place "Street," FBI agent sent to investigate an international crime syndicate based out of a take away in Bothel........with hilarious consequences!!!!

Anyway this time it was packed with school kids which wasn't odd in its self, what was odd was they all seemed to be coupled up, seriously they were all seated girl boy girl boy girl boy and so on with a few of them clutching hands so tightly they looked like some weird Siamese Twins. So instead of feeling like Agent Urban from New York I felt like a rapidly ageing teacher desperately trying to cling on to his youth ushering a crap class outing to the Lakes. I made it to my destination without much incident apart from most of Cockermouth being shut down due to the food festival so I carried on with the business in hand of pints and and a catch up with a good friend I'd not seen for a while. I think we overdid it on the pints though as my Lagerlepsy kicked in after I had a curry which is a terrible affliction I have which seems to kick in after a bout of booze Olympics, food and a sitting down on a couch.

So yesterday I woke up next to a large Alsatian which isn't euphemism for anything it was just my pals dog who thought he'd keep us company and Christ I was rough and after a sausage barm and a pie from the butchers I was still a bit shaky. I had about half hour to kill before the bus back home so I thought I'd drop into to the town and check out the food festival for a hangover cure. Now Cockermouth is quite a tourist spot and even at midday the place was really really busy and I hate crowds at the best of times so I just made a beeline for this bakery stall where there was only two women... well I say two but one of them was possibly the fattest person I have ever seen she looked like she had a wet duvet shoved down her leggings and, which wasn't a surprise she was American. As this Chippopotamus and her quite fit friend grazed on the free samples on show she harped on in a southern drawl about how she, " Honestly eats like a mouse." I looked at the stall owner in utter disbelief on hearing this and started cough as I was holding back a massive laugh and stopping myself from asking was it her glands then that were scoffing vast amounts of french fried pataders in order make her the size of cross channel ferry............... the stall owner just looked at her shoes.

So get on the bus which is busy again and set about my usual journey task of looking out the window and listening to music and ignoring the other passengers when the bus stops and these two kids about 13 or 14 get on and sit right in front of me and they are attached to each other so much so the young lad has his hand shoved down the back of her leopard print leggings cupping her arse and when they sit down they go right at it! Proper snogging, bit of titting up and more it was more akin to something you would see in the dark bits at the back of a school disco not on an busy early afternoon bus. I mean fair do to them though they didn't care who was there and the scornful looks from the old prudish Cumbrian women made me hoot with joy! and in the snippits of convo I catch in between music tracks I can muster they were off to his house which was "Free" to spend the afternoon in a bout of clumsy "Experimentation."

Don't get me out of context here I wasn't blatantly staring and a couple of under age kids here getting some weird noncy kick out of it, it was just so blatantly public and the reaction of some of the other passengers made the whole situation really funny. But it did start me thinking that are they not a bit young for that sort of thing?

I thought about it for about a millisecond and concluded that no they aren't. I think everyone starts their clumsy fumblings about that sort of age, I know I did. It made me think back to a heady summer evening in John Lee Park in Altrincham in 1989 it was a late July evening can't remember the exact date but we had broke up from school but I remember the night as I got my first hand job and blow job the two went hand in hand to so to speak. She was called Louise and we had spent a romantic few hours sharing four cans of Special Brew and ten Silk Cut and had adjourned to the adventure playground bit by the memorial bench for some privacy and that is where the magic happened. I say magic but looking back at the whole experience it was really clumsy, it was both our first times doing anything like that the handjob part was so violent she beat my poor chap like mafia boss collecting a debt and as for the blowjob, it kind of wasn't and when I looked down I saw something that looked a bit like a dog trying to eat  a bag of really hot chips. But after that bit was done she let me kiss her fanny, not go down on her just give it peck on the cheek type kiss. I was mega excited I'd never seen a real fanny in the flesh before and when I pulled down her trakky bottoms she had blond pubes.... I'd never seen blond pubes before and bear in mind this was the eighties so all the porn mags of the time were crammed full of pubes generally attached to slightly overweight middle aged women with perms leaning on a Triumph TR7 with a vinyl roof. The whole night seemed so magical at the time and still does I find it hard to recreate that excitement now, I do get close to it when I find some loose fries at the bottom of a McDonald's bag.

So really enjoy your fumblings when you can cos once you get past about 25 everything, no matter what it is, sex, holidays, nights out anything new just becomes routine and fucking boring.

ENJOY AGEING................... IN A BIT YEAH! 

SUMMER WANES... THE NIGHTS DRAW IN........AND I'VE GOT NEW NEIGHBORS!!

I've got the heating on, really have for the first time and this now signifies the start of Winter so it's official. I'm  actually starting to get that itchy stomach excitement at the thought of Firework night and working sweatshop style hours in the run up to Christmas.

I like Winter and I like cold weather, mainly as it seems to quell everbodys faux happiness that people in this country get when we see a glimpse of sunshine and you don't have to listen to young people wittering on making plans to do stuff they are never in a month of Sundays going to do but yet still talk about it later on in the year  like they have in a strange distorted "If only," conversation. Saying that I remember doing things like that in my teens and remember that I stopped doing it when real life stepped in and crushed out any forward planning and goodwill from me.

Anyway talking of young people and the future of the country I was pulling my wheely bin in before and noticed some new neighbours moving in a few doors down on the cul-de-sac. Young fit bird neighbours too hence why my attention was lifted. The couple that used to live there before were a pair of fuckin' weirdos, they used to have a Union Jack constantly erected in the garden and were fat fucks too, proper blobby cunts that dressed weird, I had no idea where he worked but three times this Summer I saw him getting in his car to go to work wearing a blazer, shirt and tie teamed with a pair of khaki shorts and a pair of very shiny oxblood brogues........... Wanker. His Mrs even though the size of a hippo had an attractive face that had a life trodden scowl permanently imprinted on it probably due to the fact everything she wore looked like hand me downs from Queen Latifah's 1989 wardrobe and they had a kid too which as you can already guess was fat an all, but not baby chubby it was the sort of fat that you only see in the US the poor little thing just looked taut and leaky and uncomfortable, never saw it walk either it just used to jump up and down on this little trampet with a handrail on it in the garden or was strapped to it's push chair and it was always balling crying too and when it stopped the mother used to give it a hefty crack just to set it off again....... Seriously, I was in the Post Office once and they were in front of us and the nipper reached for a sherbet dib dab or something and she wrenched it from its hand slapped it and shouted, " Don't you dare touch that it's dirty."

Anyway I won't miss them especially as some spanky new bodies have moved in!

So it was a bit of an odd moment I was just coming back from town and had turned into my road to let myself in the back door and first I heard Michelle Branch being played from a car stereo and then saw three young women two wearing bandannas and one wearing denim shorts and Converse Allstars getting boxes and stuff from their cars. At first I thought I had gone through some odd time warp and ended up on the set of American Pie 2. Michelle Branch for fucks sake??? I think she had one hit ages ago, so long ago in fact last time I heard it I was still living in Germany I have put a link up of said song in case you have never heard it or forgot it. Plus bandannas and daisy dukes where did they come from? I'm not complaining especially on the daisy dukes front but the only thing I can deduce now is that since schools now call terms "Semesters," and having a pissing Prom school leavers now must think finishing their A levels or "Graduating,"as license to live their lives like a teen movie or as a continuation of their Glee secondary school years.  If that is the case where are they going to spend Spring Break? It really isn't that nice in the UK and being huddled round a camping gaz fire in a static caravan in Allonby gunning cans of White Lightening doesn't compare to a beach house in Malibu.

So a little later I went out pull my bin back in and one of them, Alice, she introduced herself, came over and asked if it was bin day and where they should leave the bins to be emptied and where was OK to park on the road and told me they were students at the arts college and also what was the best way to go into town. Nice!............... only a two minute exchange but more conversation than I got in two years from the two tubby mongles that lived there before.

I have had a horrible thought though regarding the Michelle Branch track being played. When that song came  out in 2001 I can say these girls were probably about six or seven which probably means they remember it from thier parents playing it which makes me feel very very old.

However it will not stop me from thinking about them having a pillow fight in their underwear and drunkenly lezzing it up tonight to celebrate moving into their new house.

Laters yeah!

THE PISSY OLYMPICS IS OVER......... NOW BRING OUT THE SUPER OLYMPICS..... ITS THE TIME OF THE GODS!

So what's been going on over the Summer? Well her in the UK its been a bit tawdry and mediocre to be honest. The Euro's were on..... Yaaaaaay.... lots of people with with a lot of national pride throwing Union Jacks all asunder celebrating us lose at football, I am not particularly interested in football.

Then it was the Jubilee....... Lots of people with a lot of national pride covered in Union Jacks celebrating an extra day off, similar to the Royal Wedding last year without Pippa Middletons arse in the papers every day.

Then it was the Olympics........ Lots of people with a lot of national pride, Union Jacks again watching us do quite well at something that was being held in the GREAT BRITAIN!!! Plus we as a nation didn't manage to fuck it up as I thought we might, but there were a few Carry On film moments at the start which made me a bit cringy!

Now its the aftermath of the Olympics I am really happy to see that the British athletes are getting the Rock N Roll status they deserve and some recognition, rather than seeing them turn up to the One show only to get overshadowed by Olly Murs giving someone tuition on how to shave their pubes but not look gay.

But the problem with the Olympics is you only want to watch it if your guaranteed to see someone you've bet on win or see Jessica Ennis' arse in Lycra,or insert any fit athlete for that matter some of the Australian ones were like sunshine on the eyes such as Michelle Jenneke, she'd have got a massive punch in the knickers for that little wriggly warm up dance she did .

I would've stuck a tenner in her Ron Hills for that!

So the Olympics as a whole is a dull as dish water to follow if I wanted to see someone with the body of a god running everywhere I'd just watch myself having a shit it the mirror on the back of the bathroom door in the morning. This now brings me to the subject of this post. The Paralympics is about to start on the 29th of August and this is going to be something to behold!

See the Paralympics isn't what it used to be in the eighties and nineties which was basically a bunch  of televised spastics getting a rub on the head and told well done for doing something easy badly. I remember some of it being shown on something hosted by Noel Edmunds and it was a bunch of Downs Syndrome kids doing the 100 metre hurdles and it took about 10 minutes and most of them crawled over them like me trying to get over my back gate after I've lost my keys and 8 pints of cider. I suppose that served a purpose as Mums everywhere would watch it and say, "Awww look at them do so well." While actually thinking, "Cor I'm glad I didn't have one of them."

No no no, not this year, this has been done properly. First off the BBC have nothing to do with it. Yeeeah they did OK with the big Olympics but getting Elbow* to do the theme for it? Bit dry. Channel 4 are doing the Paralympics and they've got Public Enemy doing the theme to match the excitement of what is about to happen. 

This no longer a sub televised swish of tards to make Mums happy as we had the Torch Relay for that, with the developments in technology this is going to be like a big CYBORG FIGHT with a gritty HipHop soundtrack that is going to kick arse, check this

look at that fucker!

FUCKIN BAAANG!

Boxing anyone?.. No?.. OK

This could power a boat.

Heloooo I'm jumping over you house!

The Javelin!

Seriously these people in the most part aren't using a machine to compete they are actually part of it and this makes them faster and stronger than most able bodied people. Plus a lot of these people are true heroes. Not by the fact they can run or swim faster than a car or boat or single handed lift the entire Olympic Village, a lot of these guys became disabled fighting for our respective countries so lets give them the respect and recognition they deserve by getting more on the Paralympics than the shit one that's just been on.  

* I like Elbow as they look and sound like me.

LATERS YEAH. AND WATCH THE BIFF OLYMPICS ITS GOING TO BE EPIC YEAH!

CHARITY MAN!

Yeah Y'all!!

Yeah is been a long time and truth be known was going to let this dribble board of writing get blown under the rug as I have been quite relaxed this year. BUT.... and there's always a but there's always things that inspire me to cough my thoughts.

First of which is This :-

http://therainband.co.uk/2012/06/download-rise-again-today-all-profits-single-go-the-marco-simoncelli-foundation/

Follow this link as it's a fucking great track the video above is a kind of try before you buy and the link takes you to Amazon and itunes and all the profits go to the Marco Simoncelli Foundation which is a bang on PROPER charity who's aim is to build disabled care homes across THE MOTHER FUCKIN' WORLD!

The reason why I refer to this as a proper charity is because it has a global vision and direct purpose and The Rainband have also seen that and selflessly gone out of  their way to produce a truly beautiful song to support it and raise funds and awareness. I've linked this on Facebook a couple of times today but have dipped into this again as it seems thousands of people all over the World read this so I'm now putting it on here.

SO FOLLOW THE LINK AND BUY THE TRACK AND FOR THAT MATTER THE BANDS ENTIRE BACK CATALOGUE. RISE AGAIN IS LESS THAN A QUID OR ABOUT A DOLLAR WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE BUT YOU CAN ALSO GET THAT AND THE PRODIGAL EP ON AMAZON FOR LESS THAN A FIVER OR ABOUT 7 DOLLARS. SO BUY IT NOW, IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE A BASTARD AND WILL TURN GAY AND IF YOU'RE GAY YOU WILL TURN STRAIGHT AND YOUR COCKS AND FANNIES WILL DROP OFF LIKE IN THE BIBLE N' SHIT! I HAVE A LOT OF FIT LESBIAN FRIENDS SO AM IN A WIN WIN SITUATION EITHER WAY. JUST SO YOU KNOW I BOUGHT RISE AGAIN TWICE AS THE FIRST TIME I BOUGHT IT WITH REMAINING GIFT VOUCHER FUNDS I HAD ON AMAZON THEN FELT A BIT HYPOCRITICAL SO BOUGHT IT AGAIN WITH REAL MONEY!

So buy it yeah..... it'll make you cool and as you all know I'm never wrong! Support the charity and support the band too, they're from Urmston and the fella singing that's Martin Finnigan, we went to school together and he ripped the piss out of us for trying to pull birds at sixth form do's at a revolting club at Alty football ground by showing them my Emporio Armani business cards I got when I had a Saturday job there. It didn't bluff my cool though it got me snogs with Sarah Miller who on that night had a tight flowery print dress and some shiny NEXT loafers on and unbelievably smooth legs too! Pity as I felt like I had punched above my weight that night as I found it impossible to speak to her again I just kept clamming up when ever she came over in the boozer.............. that or talking in Public Enemy lyrics! Last I heard she was married to a plastic surgeon and she was a barrister. Saying that, that was told the day after I came back from Germany and at that point of my life you could have told me that Mr and Mrs Spoon was renting one of my houses and I'd have gone with it. I hope it's true though, I like to see people doing well and she had killer legs too!

So on the other side was in town today, got a shit haircut and now look like an emaciated Nathan Fillon and it was full of pikeys and scumbags. I'd like to say I'm not a snob.......................... Fuck off I'm from Cheshire of course I am!





Laters and buy Rise Again........................................YEAH!

HEARING AIDS..... YEAH I'M THE NEW STEVE AUSTIN!

Yeah disregard the little yellow man! How is everyone? been away for a few months, nothing personal just been a bit lazy and trying to sort some of my own shit out.

Yeah just been trying to get rid of a load of garden waste, I shall not go into it as it makes me whistle with anger. Well I will I have just short of a metric ton of conifer toppings in my drive way that don't fit in my green bin. I tried to fly tip it at the park at he end of the road at 5 am the other morning and only fucked off two branches before i fell on my gate on the ice and winded myself and pissed off back to bed to wank some breath and warmth into my body.

As some of you may know about a year ago some pikeys really beat the shit out of me for no reason what so ever and its caused some issues with me..........i.e I hate and will kill them all. But in day to day life I because of them I have lost my sense of smell and am pretty much deaf....... not DEF..... just deaf. Been able to cope with a loss of hearing for a while but its got really tart of late and I have to get not one but two hearing aids.

I havn't got them yet and was mortified when i realized i was an ear spastic but I'm a nosey bugger and to have my hearing back would be MASSIVE.

I'm going cheap on this one with the NHS to provide the aids just to see if they work enough to buy the bad boy tuned ones from some opticians somewhere.

Yeah I heard that!............. anyone fancy setting up an anti pikey leage????