AND AGAIN!!!

COME HOME EGG & CHIPS!

YAAAAAAAAAAY!

HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!

Bit of a lazy post today as I'm really just referencing stuff but I was thinking today how little I see stuff that makes me laugh myself inside out anymore. I mean I spend a lot of time in the public domain now so it surprises me how I haven't seen an old lady fall down an escalator int a set of drums or a fat man slip on a big moist pile of doggy bum rubbish while a man with a swannee whistle happens to be practising at the same time.

But one thing that never fails to make me cry giggling is VIZ magazine; for my American readers I'm not even going to start trying to explain it. But it's  been doing since I bought my first copy in 1988. Whenever I'm a bit down I'll grab a copy and the world seems a better place just a pity no where seems to sell it anymore....... Communists.

Anyway my fave part it the swearing dictionary and I've taken the time to find some of favourites and put them together for your enjoyment!

swedge n. That piece of folded bogroll which a sweating pie shifter wedges in his potty slot in order to stop his farting clappers rubbing together. A manpon, botcap, toffee rizla. 'Substantial Andrex swedge worn by Bad Manners frontman Buster Bloodvessel (Douglas Trendle) whilst performing 'Just a Feeling' in a deep-sea diver's suit on 'Top of the Pops', c. May 1981. Complete with certificate of authenticity. Estimate ¨£3000 - ¨£4000.' (extract from Christie's Rock Memorabilia Auction Catalogue, August 2004).

return fire n. A cold, sniping splash of chod bin water that darts straight up one's wrinkled pennywhile bombing China. Splashback.

tammy huff n. A monthly feminine mood swing. A blob strop

HOP acronym. Hang Over Poo. Giant, exceedingly loose stool, the noisy passing of which is a significant milestone in the recovery from a hang over. An alcopoop, an escape sub. 'Ahh! I feel much better after that hop. Anyone fancy a pint?

Newton effect n. When struggling to pass a three breather ring dreadnought, the pleasing sensation as the force of gravity takes over.

bum tongue n. A large piece of shit hanging from Dot Cotton's mouth just before it licks the bowl.

boiled eggs for four n. Visual impairment enjoyed by two reciprocating homo horatiolists in the 69position. Double Dutch blindfold.

earn brownie points v. Of a gentleman, to perform selfless acts of kindness, like doing the dishes or a spot of ironing in the hope that one's partner will express her gratitude with a game of mud darts.

haddock pastie n. Hairy pie, a Grimsby meal.

it's a knockout n. An amusing pub game where an individual with legs like snapped candles has to attempt to carry three brim-full pint glasses through a jostling, crowded hostelry from bar to table without spilling any.

copper wire n. A stray pube appearing in a handful of loose change.

bat in the cave n. A precariously-suspended bogie that hangs upsettingly in someone's nostril.

dragon food n. Chocolates bought for her indoors when one is in the cunt book. 'Shit, I've been out on the piss for three days. I'd better stop by the garage and pick up some dragon food before I get home.'

gusset graze n. medic. The friction burn on the side of one's old man incurred when administeringa bit of the other to a young lady whilst tenderly riving her nethergarmentry to one side.

brown zombie n. A Douglas that refuses to be flushed away and keeps on coming back.

kiss the Amish v. To perform oral sex upon a particularly Dave Narey pair of catflaps. To lick out a bear trapper's hat.

hairy knickers n. Descriptive of when a lady removes her farting crackers and her minge makes it appear that she has yet to do so. An extremely well-carpeted barber's floor, a Terry Waite's allotment. An extreme biffer.

thundercrack n. The kind of fart that requires one to check one's kex for bullets.

cunt ruffler n. A man who enjoys provoking ladies who have fallen to the communists because he finds their mood swings amusing.

turned-out trouser pocket, arsehole like a sim. A dropped clacker valve, resulting from either an excess of Turkish, or a red hot Indian

after dinner bint n. A bird you only lets you fuck her after you have taken her out to dinner.

pavement skating n. Sliding, Torville & Dean-style, on a moist barker's egg whilst running for a bus.

widow's memories n. Penis-shaped sausages, cucumbers etc. Indeed, anything vaguely cylindrical in a supermarket which is fingered nostalgically by old ladies.

gym buddah n. An overweight woman in sportswear, with over-blaaters and a huge gunt.

slob's oven sim. Descriptive of an overused and undercleaned fanny. 

tank driver's hat n. A particularly hairy fanny with flaps that fasten under your chin. A biffer.

switchcraft n. The magical ability of a woman to make incredible amounts of cash disappear into thin air whilst out shopping.

moneymoon n. The magical, but all too short period of financial stability which one enjoys after paying one's wages in or taking out a bank loan.

Santa stuck up the chimney exclam. Tampon removal problems, often as a consequence of drunken intercourse.

bum vinegar n. The sweat found between the arse cheeks in general, and in particular during or after exercise. Sarsehole

grumbilical cord n. The sturdy wire that links one's satellite dish to one's Sky box, allowing ladies'grotters to appear on one's television screen.

community chest n. A pair of tits that the whole estate has had a go on.

finding a peanut in a kebab euph. Descriptive of the difficulty encountered when a gentleman attempts to locate the wail switch during foreplay.

If you don't find that funny I hope you slip on dogshit.............. I'll be watching with a swannee whistle.

SAFE KIDS!!!

UTILITY COMPANY'S ARE SPASTICS.......... OFFICIAL.

Good evening....... what you see above you is by the dictionary's reference is genetically awkward, clumsy or eccentric person. In my vocabulary it's a fucking spastic.

I've just had my quarterly water bill, now this floated through my letterbox while I was at work so I didn't get the chance to run excitedly to the door making growling noises and barking and roughly grabbing the letters out of the posties hand as the started to appear through the slot and throw myself at the door so it banged wildly to make him think I have a big nasty dog; I thinks it's funny to see him wobble his fat arse panicking out of my gate. Anyway I opened it and was greeted by the princely sum of £562.16, after I picked my bowels and lower intestines up of the floor and shoved them back up my arse as I had unintentionally just shit them out I looked at it a little further to see the words "ESTIMATED" slipped in just about everywhere possible on it and then looked when it was due which judging by the date on it was Easter Sunday. I was a touch muddled by this so I thought I'd give them a call and this is how it went.

• UU - Hello United Utilities how can we help you this evening 
• ME - Yeah just got an estimated bill and I'm bit confused by it 
• UU - Oh I'm sorry sir would you like me to send one in larger print or braille?
• ME - What???? 
• UU - (says the same thing but louder and and staccato like she's talking to a French prick)
• ME - No look I'm not blind or deaf its an estimated bill and it's massive can you help
• UU - OK can I take you account number and full address including post code?
• ME - (give her it)
• UU - Is that Mr Desmond Lawton?
• ME - Yes
• UU - Now Mr Lawton for security can you confirm your full address including postcode?
• ME - meh?? what??? I've just....... ugh! ok (give her again)
• UU - Right what appears to be the problem?
• ME - Can you tell me what my total charge was for last year?
• UU - Yes Sir you total charges for last  year were £301.61
• ME - Oh right then why is my bill for this quarter estimated at nearly double that?
• UU - Because you must have used more water Sir
• ME - That could be possible but since December there has only been me living here and I don't have a pool
• UU - It is an estimated bill Sir
• ME - I appreciate that but I have my meter readings for you and would like it recalculated thank you
• UU - I don't think we can do that sir that bill will need to be paid on its due date 
• ME - Yes you can it says it on the bill plus I can't pay it on the due date as it's Easter Sunday and the only thing open is the Catholic Church, can I pay it there?
• UU - You pay via the Internet on Sunday sir
• ME - Don't get chippy sugar
• UU - What are the meter readings sir (she's getting a bit arsey now)
• ME - (give her them)
• UU - Finally some questions for your account do you have any of the following at your residence? A pool, A pond, A car wash, a water feature and automatic sprinkler system?
• ME - No to all of them............. oh I don't have a water feature in the garden but I did piss my pants when I opened the bill does that count?
• UU - Thank you for calling UU (click)

Well we'll see where that goes then. Then that started me thinking I seem to have being paying out shiting loads in bills since the start of the year I worked it out at £2114.62 on gas, electric, council tax, council tax, council tax, water and council tax. The gas and leccy I can understand as its been freezing for ages and you might have noticed I've mentioned council robbery a few times. The reason being is I like to pay things every quarter, two months living like an 80's pop star and then a month poor and getting yourself back together. However Cumbria County Council seem to think I like to live like mud shuffler every month. I had re-set up the direct debit in January and paid the bill over the phone paid £334 and something, then they proceeded to take the same at the end of January by direct debit and then the same at the end of march and after several promises that it wouldn't happen again. SPASTICS. What surprises me even more is this hasn't paid my full Council Tax bill which is just pissing extortionate here. I'm from Cheshire the crystal of the North where all the footballers live and my council tax there was half what I pay here and my house was bigger.

Now I did try and get my money back which was wrongly taken by the Council but gave up in the end as it was taking too much effort as I had to try and get back to someone called Steve who was in charge of refunds and after 14 attempts of calling and getting replies saying he was on the bog, in the hall or at a meeting I gave up and can only think he must be one of those people that Councils have to employ as to hit correctness percentage rates who looks like this 

Aaaaaah hiya Steve................................... ahhh give him a hug................................. awwwww int' he clever.................. Spacker

Right I've had enough of a moan now but I am convinced that all utility companies, councils and banks and large unattached multinationals are run and staffed by mong spacks, now I'm off to chuck myself down the stairs and then burgle myself just so I can call the police and an ambulance so I can get my moneys worth out of the council tax I've fucking paid. I'm not paying the next one as it won't be delivered by the postie I assume it'll be dropped off by a man on a big black horse with a cape and mask on carrying a couple of muskets.

WORD Yeah............... Laters yeah!

I POSITIVELY HATE GARDENING

Cor my fucking Christ what a shit of a day. Woke up this morning bright and early feeling really unusual, I was a bit bit hung over but it wasn't that, I was filled with a trifle of mirth due to being off.... wasn't that either. 

As I lay in bed blinking, looking at the sun with its fingers creeping round my blinds with no urge to stay in my bed I couldn't figure what was up with me.... then it hit me... I was feeling rather upbeat, positive and very very productive. Now that's pretty unusual for me firstly as I'm not an upbeat sort of person, secondly which is a big one is that I'm not productive either, I don't mean in a work manner, coming from a life of selling shit that people don't really want I start a month with a target, grumble a bit, spend a couple of days wondering how I'm going to achieve it, get cracking and nine times out of ten I hit it and for doing that I don't expect congratulations, high fives and back slapping as its my fucking job. I mean personally an example if this  is it's taken me three months to fill in nine boxes on the census form and post it. So I got up and slung my blinds open and looked down at the garden and thought, "Right you twat.... I'm having you."

So there I am geared up to the garden and did my typical thing I do on a morning of a day off, made some grub and a big pot of coffee, stared at the wall for bit thinking while drinking said coffee, looked at the trainers I had on and thought they were too good for gardening so dropped into my fishing boots, smoked a couple of cigarettes and finished the pot of coffee and dropped a couple of Piriton tabs so I didn't sneeze myself into the Solway during my adventures in garden. 

Then I got into it.....................................

Started of OK, now the picture above isn't my garden its just a picture of some slum I found in google images,  my garden hadn't got out of hand just a bit scruffy and weedy and there's usually a gravel area down the side of the gaff and because of the mixture of rain and good weather ivy and nettles had started growing through it and other areas, the other night when I was walking in I first noticed it and thought, "Christ, if someone rested a wheel against the side of me house it'd look like a pikey caravan." I think this subconsciously set my thoughts on the garden. Anyway mixed a big load of weed killer and dumped it on the offending areas then turned my attention to the lawn...............................................

Fuck Spiders it took ages, three cuts and rakes and it wasn't even that long just the mower I've got's shite and really started to lose patience with it. Then while I was doing the front my next door neighbour starting to chuck her fucking oar in too the fat fuck. "Put your back into it," "Put more effort in," .............. fuck off you nosy shit. By this point I'd lost all the good will I had when I woke up and had had enough. For fucks sake its one of the reasons I don't do circuit training, I find nothing funny or endearing about a woman shouting at me saying, "Put more effort in," "Put your back into it," and "Try harder." I find it deeply unpleasant............... well unless I'm sporting an erection at the time anyway.

So I stopped it at that point looked back at the spoils of my three hours work and it looked like I'd done nothing.............. fucking pointless day and I'd run out of milk and bin bags and coffee so I thought I'd punish myself further by strolling to Tesco.

Not much to say on this only I went for a couple of things and came out with loads of shit, curry's, loads of ice cream, a new brand of coffee for the machine, fish and another thermal mug as I'd left the two I already had in  work, a family size tiramisu, some cream and some posh crisps and hummus, beer and other shit too......... to make thing worse the woman at the till said something to me which I didn't quite pick up on but it was along the lines have you split up with someone to which I dismissed as I was very grumpy at the time.

She did have a point as when I got home I did seem to have the products in my trolley of a needy woman who had just been binned.

................. and I forgot the milk and pissing bin bags.

Anyway the garden can just go fuck itself now.

Innabit YEAH.

E BAY MOTORS

Evening,

See the thing is I really like e-bay, even though I am a relatively late adopter to this buying bonanza I have bought a lot of shit off it I think I have 3 gold stars next to my user name and 100% feedback. what does worry me is what happens when I get my next star? do I get a job in McDonald's and instead of getting paid in real money I just get spack points to spend solely on e-bay.

And I do mean a lot of shit........................ well not all of it shit, all my fishing gear and tackle, 8 pairs of trainers all BNIB, 4 jackets all BNWT, couple of Zippo's, TVONICS TV thing, countless t-shirts, loads of tops and hoodies and number of mobile accessories. Now the rest of the stuff which outweighs the previous list  all lives in a cupboard marked shit I've always wanted to own but never have but now I do I wouldn't be seen dead in/using, currently pride of place in that store room is an Adidas Superstar leather tracksuit, a RUN DMC tour jacket, Curiosity Killed The Cat's back catalogue and boxed Jam Master Jay action figure.

And every purchase has been pleasing and exceeded my expectations even the jovial e-mail banter that ensues between the seller and myself after I've won the auction and paid for the item. This bit I always find a bit intrusive and creepy as I'm quite a private shopper and some one speaking to me to make me like them more after I've bough something from them just strikes me as needy and makes me more nonchalant than I actually am. I mean after you've paid a prostitute and had selfish, seedy and unsatisfying sex with them they don't hang around hugging you after or sizing up the space in your wardrobe incase the relationship develops further. But I do send back equally faux jovial replies as I don't want to tarnish my unblemished feedback record rather than the one I'd rather send which would read, " Got your e-mail, not interested in how your Sunday was or how well I did in winning the auction as it's quite a simple process to make sure the numbers I bid are bigger than the ones on the screen, I don't find this a personal achievement and if you do you obviously live in a barrel. Now something I own and have paid money for is sat on your kitchen table which in my books is technically theft, so get your fucking skates on and get down the fucking post office before I call the filth and tell them you sent me some nonce pics with you shit e-mail and get you done for being a thieving fiddler.............................. PS don't fuck around with the packing."

I love browsing on e-bay it's almost a nightly treat as it only shows me thing related to what I'm looking for its almost like reading the winter 1988 Argos catalogue. One area I do struggle with on there is e-bay motors as its entirely shite. The people selling things on there are a bunch of tits, but what makes it worse is the people buying thing on there are even bigger ones, now don't get me wrong seeing tits and fannies on my computer screen isn't a foreign sight, in fact it's very regular but ones that wind me up aren't.

It's probably because I've spent my entire life in the motor trade and some talents you just don't lose and I still know what every car on there is worth and it winds me up to seeing people sell things at an unrealistic price and seeing people pay silly money for things just makes my piss boil until my chap whistles with steam. I've bid on a few cars too and the stuff I want is pretty specialist. Last week I bid on a 1976 Jag coupe, nice car by all things just restored all that stuff and it was worth top end £4000.00 and I would have paid this. I put my top bid in at £3800.00 and set my alarm as the auction ended at just after 6 in the morning, got up at 5.30 am checked my phone few messages to say I'd been outbid, puzzled I opened up the app on my phone and it was then sitting at over 8 grand.............................................................. WANKERS no wonder our economy is fucked, hope the silly cunt crashed it.

Any once in a blue moon you come across something diamond, never a great little runner but just the listing itself and when I come across them it restores my faith in humanity as a normal person has put something they don't really want in an area where it probably won't sell and they laugh at the futility of it click on the link below as it made me hoot with joy!

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/2001-FORD-FOCUS-GHIA-1-8-Zetec-Very-Clean-Interior-/220768216260?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item3366cfa4c4#ht_8116wt_1139

A+++++++++++++++ ebaying everyone!



See you later............... YEAH!

IT'S SUNNY.... IT'S SUNNY, QUICK COME LOOK EVERYONE ITS SUNNY AGAIN!

Well unless you've been living in a cave for the last few days you will have realised that the Sun has come out to play and it has actually been unseasonably warm. I found myself going for a drink last night not wearing a jacket, which is unusual for me as I like my coats all year round. 

Now something unusual struck me last night, well it was more late afternoon to be honest, not that there were an abnormal amount of people out doing that British thing after the sun's been lout for more that an hour they have to drink until thier eyes bleed and they shit out thier liver. But what amazed me even more was the way nearly everybody was dressed! It was as if they had opened thier grandparents wardrobe and thought, "Now thats what I'm talking about, faded multicolour bermuda shorts............ AT with an A!

Honestly walking down Botchergate was like sliding through a time portal to 1981, usually 90% of people down there are twats anyway, but what was a bit confusing was that 90% of them actually looked like twats.

I like the sun, never used to, must be something to do with getting older, I used to really like winter and wrapping up and coats and scarves and stuff, but the last two winters have just pissed me off specifically by ruining two of my favourite pairs of trainers. Now I like the sun and warm, I had a lovely day today it's really marked the start of the summer for me, I spent the day tidying up the gardens front and back mowing, trimming, edging the borders, weeding and it was nice to this naked so early on in the year seemed to piss my neighbours off though particularly when I did the front garden. Don't know why it pissed them off, must be jelousy. I mean I don't fucking winge when thier 19 year old daughters having a bikini party in thier garden the fucking communists. Anyway after I'd finished the garden I got dressed popped to the shop to get some beers in and was taken back by the amount of people there buying charcoal and giblets to throw on flimsy Argos barbeques in their council estate back gardens.

After seeing this I thought I wonder how many people chucked a sicky of the last three days? I bet fucking loads, all pissing it up scared in case anyone sees them and yet slightly elated as it feels like they've stuck it to the man by not going in for thier 4 hour shift at Greggs The Bakers, yet feeling like it's thier God given right not to have to work just because the thermometers tipped 16 degrees...................... Wankers.

Anyway here's something I found that all people should do when they pull at pat and micky.

Anyway enjoy the sun, it's not going to last long, never does 

SEE YOU LATER..... YEAH

Oh Just on a foot note I see on the news some kids in Brazil have just built a big fuck off wall out of Lego, some are saying it's a record breaker. Firstly why is this in the news? Its been sunny in the UK for two days on the trot so it should full of stories of OAP's chucking a 7 because its a touch warm and thier big slipper has stifled them. Secondly can't be that much of a record breaker, Roy Castle could't even be arsed to put in an appearance,

WHAT YOU HAVE TO FEAR............... FUCK ALL!

Right the worlds going to END............................ well it is according to any News report you see. Now when I was a nipper when you saw the news it was a man in a brown or grey suit who gave you the stories of the day and then fucked off and left it up to your own intelligence to make what you want of it. Apparently all this is going on?

Bird flu, swine flu, terrorism, global warming, food shortages,corrupt bankers, your savings going to shit, your pensions going to shit, any investment you made going to shit, neo conservatives, conservatives, a hung parliament, corporate megalomania, MRSA, MRSB, phone inducted tumours, asteroids hitting mother earth, nuclear stockpiles in sand nigger countries, crime, plane crashes, train crashes, crime, crime, crime, young person crime, depression, madness, going fuckin' mental, ageing,  anguism, AIDS, AIDS, GOOD AIDS, BAD AIDS, SIDA if your in France and the threat of fuckin Blazin' Squad tainting life if they get older!

Sounds bad doesn't in? Well not really got all the above from an RSS feed on my phone, this is just made up news stuff that is designed to make us feel panicky and cautious.

The thing that gets me worried us that weak minded idiots do actually walk around all day clutching a lottery ticket from three months ago that has actually no monetary value, but is a bit like a comfort blanket as that to them is the last time they took a "chance." .................. Do you really think you can get a minute of sense from them? No not at all and I do like to refer to that breed as, "The General Public."

I'm not one of them, are you??  Here's a simple test are you :-

A. Sat thinking about why your overdrawn past your limit even though your mortgage payment hasn't gone out yet for the overpriced concrete ship you bought has dropped so far in value that your going to have to own it till your 80 till you get your "Investment" back. Why hasn't my, me , me ,me, its not my fault, my kids will look after me............... oh I'm to selfish to have them............. I'm a bit of a dick, even my bolshy Mrs is ............. urrgh.

B. Relaxed and having a laugh with life, ups and downs but hey it's life!

So how did you do? 

I hope it was B, was going to put a pic of an lesbian couple going for answer B but I'm too lazy to get it off my phone as take the blue pill too!

SAFE AS FUCK 

WORD THE FUCK UP NIGGA'S

PS does anyone else think that explosion looks like the Rebel MC's hair?

ARGUMENTS ARGUMENTS ARGUMENTS.................... WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS A ROW?

Right first let me start this by saying I'm not argumentative............. well not really, for the simple reason that I really can't be arsed, I am by nature pretty placid as I take after my Mum. Don't get me wrong I have a temper, huge red mist number but my snap switch is so far down the line that nobody I spend a time with now on a regular basis has ever seen it. Arguing and agression simply isn't a currency that gets me anywhere, or for that fact anybody anywhere.........not with me anyway, I simply don't see any need for it for five main reasons :-

1. You will lose your sense of judgement if you get too angry about shit, stupid things and also lose your point.
2. I am without fail, and with reason and calmness to the N'th degree always right. I wouldn't even enter into the heated discussion unless I knew I was.
3. See above
4. If you carry on I have a very loud air horn in my bag at all times and will keep blowing it at your red exasperated face untill you see sense.
5. See No.1 and work your way down. 

  

Now for those of you who know me I do come across a coal hearted misanthrope and in some ways I am but generally the reason why I come across like this is so I don't get inducted into conversations about media related reality shows that I have no interest in but peoples reactions to them set my far off red mist switch vibrating like billy-o. For example a couple of years ago in work I was asked about what I thought about this X-Factor battle of the stars thing that was on and I had been privvy to it and thought it was just it was very fuckin' awful and not wanting to asked about it again I simply replied, "What that thing that should be re-named TWAT AMPLIFIER? when's Jeanette Krankie going to ease itself out of the Border ITV store room black its self up,  cover its self in baby oil and do some revolting Flash Dance spectacle...well its only a suggestion away." Never been asked since about shite like that that, as its a personal thought that no one wants to hear thus never been asked again about, Big Brother, X-Factor, Dancing on shite, Ballroom Dancing on shite, I'm a celebrity and got shit on my hands, Celebrity AIDS island, I'm a celebrity I've got AIDS and I'm in Ireland, Bring back a silly cunt, Timmy Mallett's get a celebrity to vomit on me and say bleuuuugh and make me a celebrity again, My carers going down the pan so get me on channel 5 and watch me crumble and anything thats got that horrible fat slumble Kerry Katona in that just fuckin' annoys me as she's a dopey fat talentless slagbag from Warrington with loads of moon faced fat spastic looking kids that look over fed on all the free prawn rings she gets from Iceland. I have a great idea for a ratings puller, new programme called "kerry Katona Pays Her Bills." where she has to go to cash "con" verters and gets £15.00 quid for a massive Bang 'n Olufson stereo just to keep her kids in the diet of mini kievs in the manner they're are accustomed to!

Note I have been to Border ITV's store room and Jeanette Krankie lives there........ oh and Kerry Katona is a massive dick.

Now the reason I've brooched on this subject is not that I've had a row, I just don't have them for the reasons I mentioned above. Only was in work the other day an chatting to one of my friends about taking time off over the Radio 1 Big Weekend, I was just being a bit obnoxious yet having a laugh saying no no no no ones having any time off, just being a bit jocular, anyway we got busy and the convo got shut down. Anyway about an hour later my friend comes back and says to us, "Right we were having an argument before, it was funny can't remember what it was about." Now this struck a chord with me as firstly I wasn't having an argument I was just being a bit of a dick. Secondly what defines being a row not specifically from a womans point of view but anyones?

Now without wanting to sound chauvinistic one of my best friends said something to me, it happened to be on the eve of his wedding in a hotel bar in Bolton, everyone had gone to bed, my girlfriend, who I was very proud of at the time was asleep pissed out of her brains snuggling into my chest and me and my mate were chewing the fat and having a catch up as we hadn't seen each other in person for years. It went like this.

Mate "You look like things are going well, good you've shaken off that thing that you've adhered to for years!"

Me "Yeah cheers man things change and shit just glad your happy with stuff."

Mate "Des man, you know better than anyone how to see into people know what makes em tick."

Me "Yeah so, what's that supposed to mean................... gis a clue."

Mate "As I say, just don't fuck this one up, it's your Mrs not your mate."

Me " ???????"

Mate "Listen women are there to be enjoyed but NEVER understood, they're different to us remember that      you'll never go wrong."

Me "???????"

Mate "You have always run you life like it's a business, thats all finished now just enjoy your life you have enough stories cut it there."

Me "Really never understood?"

Mate "Yep."

I started wobbling and fell asleep shortly after and nearly missed the wedding. Anyway he's still happily married with two smashing kids 6 years later and me and her split up six months later. But it makes me think....... BY GOD I THINK HE'S GOT IT!. I mean who's ever had an argument with a lady when they're lying down? That's right No One, seriously when a woman lies down all those messed of files in her head that have been getting all out of context all day all slip back into a nice tidy organised formation like in a filing cabinet so hey no argument and sexy bum bum times ensue!

But really that aside it does make me aghast that people walk about every day with such a baulking sense of self ritiousness that they think walking into a public place and shouting like a prick untill they get there own way will work??? By the way it doesn't it just gets you punched in the face.

So I'm starting a rowless revolution from my bed. It's a pointless waste of time and energy plus if you have a row someone is always going to win it, If your not right factually and morally it's not going to be you!

So Peace Peoples................... By the way if you don't agree with me leave a comment, but remember I know where you live and I'm always right, and I have an air horn if I suddenly get not too sure.

By the way on a different note someone I know sent me a picture of Eva Braun; Hitlers bird all blacked up like a black and white minstrel. It struck me as a bit wierd, do you think he used to dress her up in some minority that he wanted to wipe off the planet the horrible Nazi fucker. "Oh Eva darling it's my birthday could you dress as a Jew tonight as I'm having them away next year.".................... anyway enjoy

GYPSIES TRAMPS AND THIEVES................. Or just PIKEYS for short.

Now as those people reading this who already know me, well know, and as vocalised by Jason Statham so very well in Snatch, " I fuckin' hate pikeys, they're not English, they're not Irish, they're........................ just................. well............ fuckin' Pikey."

Oh and before I forget, let me explain to my international readers,yes I have international readers????? let me explain what a Pikey is. Its a tribe of scruffy cunts who live in caravans. And to my American readers its Brad Pitt in Snatch.

Right now don't get me wrong, this isn't a simple lifestyle choice, I don't read the Times and am prejudice just 'cos they bring the house prices down. I actually have a proper axe to grind. They stole something from me, something of absolutely no intrinsic value, to anyone. They stole my hearing, sense of smell, my previously perfect balance and my renewed faith in Britain's much maligned NHS and the Police and judicial system. Let me explain............

About six months ago it's the tail end of October, payday weekend to be exact but its not that which excites me, it's Sunday afternoon and I'm just about to finish work and I'm off for a whole ten days, last break of the year then Christmas.......... FUCKIN' YAY! I have a couple of pints after work with my colleagues then sidle into my local boozer to see a few heads I've not seen for a couple of months.... now let me say at this point I'm not going mental on the piss here just a few drinks as I had an early start planned the next day to do stuff. So check my watch its nearly eight so I thinks chippy, telly, bed............... preferably all three at the same time! Here's what happened.

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... "DESMOND, DESMOND open your eyes look at the light again and follow it,"......................................................... then a very bright room and some over friendly cunt in blue wobbling my arms.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... some people talking about me to some other friendly cunt............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. "ahhhhhh why's it so fuckin bright?"............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... in the back of a car being told not sleep but snuggling into someone who has a high vis jacket on.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... being helped through my front door and sat on my couch while someone went upstairs................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. "nah don't want a cup of tea thanks... have I got my cigarettes?" .................................................

So thats it my total memories for the previous 12 hours. The reason I know its 12 hours as its 8.20 am I'm now sat bolt upright in my own bed confused as fuck in huge amounts of pain and........... and .................. ooh fuck........................... VOMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! urgh Christ what the f........... BLEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH. Fuck spiders I must be proper cagey I havn't been sick in years, I wobble back to bed only to be greeted by this.

Fuckinell??? I slope off down the stairs there's blood on every wall and light switch and bandages and dressings all over the table, I must have thought it'd a good idea to whip them off before bed like a dickhead. Anyway theres some papers on the coffee table and my bag with all my stuff in wallet with cash and all cards in, phone and even some fancy shower gel and tooth paste I'd bought in it. 

Anyway cut a long story short bit later police came round brought us up to speed in that I'd been filled right in, there was witnesses, CCTV, they knew who it was, there were weapons involved and would I like to make a statement and I needed to back to hospital as I wasn't looking too well. A few hours later I still feel awful, I've also found out that my attackers are a group of pikey teenagers that had been going round all evening and had  attempted to do the same to others that evening. This is where my hatred starts.

Now lets cut forward to now. I'm partially deaf and have to wear glasses most of the time. I'm recovering from a fractured skull, somehow this was missed on my initial visit. I missed Christmas with my family. and for the first time for a very long time I have a burning desire for revenge at any cost......... and this aggravates me no end. But don't worry the police have it all in hand.......WRONG! they haven't taken the case any further because the cannot find or charge  or something, I was so livid when I was told this I couldn't quite take this in, and incredibly I was woken one  Sunday morning and questioned  by CID about my whereabouts the night before as there had been a fire on a pikey farm in Dumfriesshire  and due the way I had conducted myself after finding out about the way my case had been handled there might be a possibility I was involved. FUCK OFF YOU PRICKS, at the time I hadn't left the house only to go to work, they were adamant to know my actions so I just described in detail a massive long wank I'd had over Carol Smillie on changing rooms the night before and told them to get fucked and thanked them for putting hate crime on my list of things to try before I was 40. but not to worry I'd be a bit more discreet and probably throw something biological into the mix............. like fucking pikey aids or something.

The other problem I have is at the start of this year it seemed to be time to glamorise the filthy scum too with programmes like my big fat pikeypikeys just simply call them by their other name......... Fucking Savages. The following reasons are why, apart from my obvious reasons why war and pestilence should befall them.

1. They don't pay tax.

2. They are all thieves especially their kids and even their unlicensed dogs.

3. Even when they are doing nothing they are up to no good.

4. They have enforced incest parties.......... filthy bastards.

5. They are genetic paedophiles and will touch your kids.

6. They play solely Gary Glitter tracks at their version of weddings..... we know this also as kidnap.

7. They actually have Gary Glitter as guest of honour at the kidnap too.

8. If they have not stolen from you they are thinking about it.

9. They still all think they are in the cast of Oliver Twist........ therefore thieves.

10.They have all murdered something.

11.They haven't spent a single day in school...... ever, this is simply unacceptable.

12.Nearly forgot this one but they live in Caravans.

13.I Don't like them.

14.They all have syphilis....... this is actually historically true.

15.Even Hitler didn't trust them so they must be cunts of the highest order.

16.They do actually bring down house prices. Not a market variance they just nick stuff of them.

17.They have pagan like rituals which involve incest and theft.

I could go on for ever but I have to crack on, the daylights gone and I have work to do. I'm putting on my top hat, cape and Victorian moustache and am going out gyppo burning. Big thanks to Cumbria CID for the idea.

Peace Out Kids.