COWBELL HIPHOP......... I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE A RE-THINK

So there I am this morning lying in bed in that mode you have where you have woken quite successfully but then realised your not at work so you drift in the middle of an ethereal dream world, still dreaming and real life kind of taking notice of the radio in the background whilst it plays a soundtrack to my ongoing dream, me taking on an army of Mexican warlords  armed only with my trusty 1970 Plymouth Hemi Cuda, a couple of Franchi Spas sawn offs and a case of single malt in the boot. I then go on to release the fury of the Antichrist on them and rescue a Nadine Velasquez lookalike who is so thankful she lets me treat her to a massive punch in the knickers!

1970 'Cuda........ Your Bad Self!

Franchi Spas 

My Whiskey Bombs!

Nadine Velasquez...... Yeah!!

So as I'm about to get down to spending some quality time with my recuee I hear something on the radio that immediately draws me from my dream state............... Good job really as I would have gone to bed with a problem and woken up with a solution on my stomach.

So I'm now awake and kind of wondering what it was that drew me out of my possible wet dream? It was a track that was on the radio and I was listening to it fade out and to be honest it didn't sound too remarkable, it just sounded like that bland Amerirock that floated about in the mid nineties. Then Moylsey informed the Nation that it was the Red Hot Chili Peppers new track................. EH????

This is an issue for me as I actively dislike the RHCP. They did in my eyes one good album which was in 1985 called Freaky Styley and that was only because it was produced by George Clinton the funk genius behind Parliament-Funkadelic and Atomic Dog etc. and who incidentally is 70 on Friday... So Big Up Birthday Massives to Mr G Clinton Esquire. Anyway I digress I really don't like them and find their brand of merry-go-round  rap rock fuckin awful plus I think Anthony Keidis is a twat which after lazily reading his autobiography Scar Tissue in 2006 was confirmed on a biblical level.

So what hook was it in this track that woke me? must be something good for two reasons. 1. I pride my self on having a sixth sense on all music that within a few bars of the intro will know wether or not it'll be bumwipe or not and can give a detailed reason why and 2. I finally had an operation done on my left ear on Monday morning so even though a lot better still feels a bit underwatery. So I leap out of bed, put the coffee on, downloaded the track and lit a cigarette and got out my metronome as it was going to be a long morning of music analysis................. Or so I thought.

So there I am, computer hooked into the cinema system and a single Bose ear bud plugged into my dodgy ear, I didn't want to miss a thing. So I lit a cigarette inhale deeply and looked at the packet, it was almost full and I was glad as I have been here before with Sour Times by Portishead, not as I thought it was shit I wanted to find out what the samples were and that took about four hours, mainly as that was 2003 and the internet was dial up and also a bit bonk for the intended research too. For your info the main sample was Lalo Schifrin's Danube incident from 1967 which you can listen to here:-

that was the easy one but i wanted a few obscure ones off some of the extended mixes I had and they were Smokey Brooks 1971 Spin It-Jig and The Black Sheep 1991 Butt In The Mean Time. I'm not going to embed links to them as you possibly wont recognise them and mainly as I can't be arsed.

So hits play and starts listening... It starts off as I expected very bland and as I lean over to take a swill of my coffee there it is!!!! 40 seconds in, a fucking cowbell tap overlayed across the main percussion track. Nahh can't just be that so kept on listening and there it is again at 4 mins and 6 seconds. Ahhhhh Shite.

See I've always had great pride in my taste and knowledge of music and why I like it. Now something as simple as a fucking cowbell brings it all crashing to its knees, I started to have a run through some of my all time faves and sure enough the clangy Swiss bastard features at some point in all of them.

Hey Ladies - Beastie Boys, Honky Tonk Women - Rolling Stones, Good Times Bad Times - Led Zepplin, We're An American Band - Grand Funk Railroad, Lowrider - War, Daft Punk Is Playing At My House - LCD Soundsystem and countless number of tracks by the Beatles, Rage Against The Machine, Funkadelic, Public Enemy, 3rd Bass, EPMD, Corduroy, Digital Underground, Serge Gainsbourg, MC Solaar, Guns And Roses, Portishead!!, Massive Attack and many, many, many more.

What makes this conspiracy even worse Its been going on since "Pop" music started in it's current form in the fifties with Anette Funicello's Tall Paul. That was in American Graffiti you know!

So all in all I'm a bit shattered. Am I that shallow? just play any old shite and stick a cowbell on it and that's me hooked? I must be I put it to the test too, I played the intro of the Birdy Song stopped it then played the cowbell riff off the Beasties Hey Ladies and although very shit sounded remotely credible in a Hispo Hop manner. But then it gets me thinking cow bells are Swiss, the Swiss are Nazi's and therefore the Nazi's have been invading popular culture since the fifties. The horrid Genocidal Bastards probably subconsciously buttering us up for when they invade from the dark side of the Moon in 2018!

Fuck this I'm off to reconsider everything know and if anybody comes round they'll probably find me self harming whilst listening to the Fast Food Rockers and tapping a cowbell at the same time. A bit like a home made version of what happens to Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange..... Well either that or I'll be cracking one off over Nadine Velasquez

mmmmmm Nadine!!!

Gegen der Kuhglocke Nazi's ......................YEAH! 

(you might wanna google translate that last bit on further thought it's NOT pro Nazi propaganda)

LATERS YEAH!!!!!

IM GETTING IN ON A FLIGHT TO 1984 RIGHT NOW!!!

Really can't believe I missed this in my youth but by all research it's not that old anyway. Personally I thought Canada might be a bit dull but by all accounts its not. Check this its fuckin' Aces.

The chorus is just fine. Now this was performed in 2011 so I can only deduce that all Air Canada planes are just Delorian's with wings on.................VANCOOOUUUUVER!

ITS FRIDAY ON THE INTERNET! YAY

I like Fridays on the internet and found this. It's just very innocent and lovely but made me shriek with glee! I think there's a class in Penrith. Horsebic everyone!

Every time I've been to Scandinavia everything looked a bit fitter and blonde........ must be an immigrant day class.............................. HORSEBIC YEAH!

GUILTY PLEASURES YEAH! WHATS YOURS???

yes it is an old man looking at jazz in an Apple Store.

Well sorry its been a good few days since I've had anything of any substance to say. Only had a few things on, firstly it's been sunny and I've been paid and had a good bit of time off. And that put together and that means I've spent a good portion of it pissed. Plus I've had some plumbing problems too; not in the fact my arse has been pissing out fizzy bum gravy, proper boiler issues, which, to be brutally honest have been going on for a few weeks and have got me down a bit. I've not been able to run hot water for more than 10 minutes at a time so it felt a bit like I was living in a German Youth Hostel rather than my own fuckin' home and I nearly had got to the point of just giving up and bathing in a tin bath in front of the fire. Anyway it all broke this morning which resulted in me telling the shower to, " FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUU." But that aside managed to get the plumber round again and it is now finally all fixed and it's put a re-newed spring in my step!

So after work today did a bit of shopping and went for a pint and was walking home. I had my headphones on and was listening to a bit of Triphop...... it was Lionrock Straight At Your head if your interested and happened to look up to see a very tidy young lady strolling towards me wearing a pair of jeggins. Now I appreciate to the Gok Wan's reading this that jeggins are a bit 2009 and the people reading this that don't have a clue what I'm on about its the leggings birds wear that have the print of a very dark indigo wash denim on them. But I'd forgotten why I liked them and as she walked towards me I remembered why. You can see the outline of a ladies jack and danny through them better than if she was wearing of wet white tights. Really you know how they say that the eyes are the window to someones soul? Jeggins are the window to a ladies chuckerella! You couldn't get better if she had a pair of tight jeans on with a crotch made of glass.................... By the way I did have my sunglasses on and wasn't just been an evil old letch!.... Well a bit!

Anyway seconds after that happened this came on and it really made me smile! PRESS PLAY

The Pointer Sisters Neutron Dance. I haven't heard it years, didn't even know I had it! I fuckin' love this track ever since I saw Eddie Murphy hanging out the back of a truck full off illegal smokes in Beverley Hills Cop when I were 10. And the Pointer Sisters I thought were great and because of that I have an immediate attraction to all Nubian princesses!  Yeah the track itself is a bit gay and eighties but it got me thinking these must be my guilty pleasures, and ones I must endeavor to enjoy more. Then I had another thought Could you imagine the Pointer Sisters in jeggins......................... Christ that thought going to have dragging myself round me bedroom for months to come!

So apart from the previous two I've mentioned I have had a bit of a think about my guilty pleasures and here are most of them. You might have some of the same ones plus you might disagree with some of them but to be honest I don't care as these are mine and I bet yours are shit in comparison.

1. Having a sit down piss.... as a man I find this unbeatable especially if your on the phone to a bank or utilities company as you can both relax and gather your thoughts without disrupting the conversation.
2. Having a cigarette first thing in the morning to help you poo........ kind of speaks for itself really.
3. Having a cigarette when you wake expectantly in the night to fall asleep again...... again speaks for itself but don't know where the fall asleep to wanting a poo part of the night falls yet and luckily never had to find out.
4. Lacing new trainers....... I find this an event with lovely clean laces and will miss a night out to do it. I actually get excited.
5. Running up the stairs on all fours....... Being doing this since I could move, it never gets tired but now makes me laugh like drain!
6. Having the side of my right eyelash lightly tickled...... Very personal one this but all my ex girlfriends found it out quite quickly. It'll diffuse an argument and put me in a trance in seconds. Its the same as holding an angry shark upside down and stroking it's chin!
7. Wearing a new t-shirt with the labels just off it.......... Just feel SuperFly! which is why I own so many.
8. Riding a trolley in Tesco........... got a bit of a problem that one so I only take a basket now.
9. Roachford and Curiosity Killed The Cat...... I like to see if I can drive to Manchester and back before the total of three albums I have come to an end. Singing like a tit all the way and pointing at drivers I overtake when a poignant line comes on, " Feel like I'm wandering round No-Where land."
10. Having something different with a fry up that doesn't go but I like...... So you have a hangover and the full hit bacon, sausage, has to be scrambled eggs with this, black pudding, mushrooms, tinned tomatoes, potato cakes and then just chucking on the side a kipper some smoked mackerel and some smoked salmon and maybe a few cockles too. I did once do some king prawns fried in the bacon fat but that was terrible and vomited so hard my head split in two!
11. A ghost shit........... know when you go to the bog have a massive humpty and think that it's going to take ages to clean up have a wipe and you expect to be greeted with the same sight as if you've just mopped up a zombies wound...... But no, there's nothing there! I really feel like patting my body on the back for having done it's job more than properly. If having a poo could have an NPS score it would be a 5...ie. highly recommend to friends and family members.

I have loads more but I'll start getting boring and I want some tea. 

Might have a special fry up, what you 'avin?.................. Hey got some new trainers to lace too! I'm gonna be happy as a pig in shit tomorrow. 

Gonna have a right long shower in the morning too............................ BLISS

Later YEAH!
  

WATCH THIS IT'S FUCKIN ACE.

Yeah Visit Scotland I've only been to Gretna to get some fags