CHRISTMAS BASTARDS!!

Well it's nearly here, that time of year that a lot of people hate but I truly love, it's Christmas again, fuckin' YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. I'm really quite giddy about this year too as last year I pretty much missed as I felt like shit and was recovering from a right good kicking and was filled with vile rage and revenge against all pikeys. So two weeks today we'll all be stuffed, pissed, tired, probably have fell out with someone and or asleep. It'll all be over all those weeks of preparation and expense finished for another year and it always seems when people actually hit that point that is when they actually seem to start enjoying themselves. See I always like to enjoy a stroll on Christmas day, well early evening about 5 or 6, nothing too strenuous just to get some air, wake up a bit, level off the days energetic boozing and enjoy the silence as you never seem to get any traffic or day noise at that time on Christmas day. But if you listen closely through the silence, as the clock strikes 6.30, you can hear the entire nation breathe an exasperated sigh of relief .

But watch out as this next couple of weeks your going to see usually mild mannered people turn into raving fucking loonies and utter bastards at the drop of a hat. Can be for any reason, screaming kids, everywheres too busy, spending money they can ill afford, pissed off they can't have the same amount of time off as their kids or just sick to death that they can't for the life of them understand Christmas anymore as all the TV and media consists of is the fucking x-factor and supermarket endorsed festive cooking programmes. When I was growing up Christmas specials started at the beginning of December and they were a real extravaganza they made this feel like a special time and the programme idents used to have Christmas trees and Father Christmas on and shit, just having a flick round now and you wouldn't even know its just mere days till Christmas there's some blue and white abstract shite that comes on between the programmes on BBC 2 that's been obviously thrown together by some digital design tit while he's wanking over his Macbook Pro with a black, unlit Christmas tree in the background.

Even the Father Christmas' are being bastards too. Now the older I get the more I feel that taking your child to see a fat man that smells of booze dressed in red velvet at your nearest high brow department store, plopping them on his unknown lap for a few minutes while he whispers lies into their ear is intrinsically very wrong on many levels mainly as kids now have no belief in Father Christmas shortly after their off the teat. You may as well just sit them on a plushy Argos catalogue with a tape recorder in it. But I was chatting to my friend the other day and she was telling me she had taken her little one to see one, the conversation between them both went like this :-

Father Christmas  "So do you like trains?"

Kiddie "Yes I like Thomas The Tank Engine"

Father Christmas "Oh good, and where do you keep them are they tidy?"

Kiddie "Nowhere they are all on the floor"

Father Christmas "Oh? Do you not have a holder to keep them in?"

Kiddie "No they are on the floor."

Father Christmas "Well this year I'm going to bring you a Thomas The Tank train tidy to keep them in."

Kiddie "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Now my Mate heard this and kind of groaned inwardly as her littlun excitedly told her what Father Christmas was bringing him, mainly as it was something else she hadn't budgeted for. But it gets better this, after looking for one it turns out they don't fucking exist even Argos don't sell one and as everyone knows if they don't sell it it probably only exists the mind of someone that's clinically insane and a murderer....... What an utter Bastard! But this gets me thinking what else did he promise that day that doesn't exist just to tip already fragile parents over the edge while they search for something that might as well be the Holy Grail!

I think they all meet in the pub after a hard days Christmassing and use their false promises as a points system to see who gets the first round? " And George is tonight clear winner he promised, 2 unicorns, the flying giant dog from Never Ending Story, a horse to a little girl who lives in a council flat an Optimus Prime pedal car that you can actually get in and turns into a robot and and his tour de force  a Thomas The Tank Engine train tidy. Lets give him a big hand everyone!"

So just watch yourselves out there for the next couple of weeks folks it's going to be a bit mental. I've just had a thought actually back in 1984 my Uncle Graham promised me an A-Team van pedal car that you could get in and drive............ Never got one, and like a dick every Christmas I look for one, just had a quick look now and they still don't exist, not one you can get in anyway. 

A child's mind is a fragile thing, that one impossible promise has led to 27 years of disappointment, can't wait for next year that'll make 28!

JINGLE BELLS YEAH!

RIGHT A 1 MONTH OLD BABY HAS BEEN RAPED........ ITS ABOUT TIME WE TOOK IT INTO OUR OWN HANDS.

Right no laughs on this one something is in the headlines at the moment that I have found really disgusting and quite harrowing and made me feel quite violent too.

Now Picture this if you have a new bundle of joy in your arms as you read this.......... actually it doesn't matter if your sat reading this at 11.30 at night a bit tetchy as your 17 year year old  son or daughter is a bit late back and hasn't taken the bins out. A 1 month old baby has been RAPED........... FUCKIN' RAPED and also beaten, the latter could possibly happened during the act itself as while the little lad was............. aaaaaaargh.

There's Noncery and there's Noncery but this is the worst form of human degradation I've ever heard of and I'm sorry but I've had enough of this now and it's about time that we as the public take things into our own hands. The problem we have is that these murdering nonce cuntbags will essentially get charged for this get prison and be protected. They shouldn't be they should be simply be clipped and put in a hole.

That's where our society has gone wrong. The way I see it crime has a reason, if your a thief you need money, a drug dealer you are satisfying a social itch and a murderer there is a reason. There is a reason a gain and an end. But in our society there seems to have a legacy of if you do something wrong your not bad you just need a pat on the back a spot of councilling and you'll be fine. That's fuckin' rubbish it doesn't work. Noncery doesn't have a reason like most crime I cant understand it it's just foul. There is however a difference between putting a young lad who's 16 on the sex offenders register for sleeping with his 15 year old girlfriend on a voyage of disappointment and discovery to some dirty cunt fucking a baby or most of the US Senate.

I was told about something by a friend of mine a couple of years ago about children being bred in the UK for sex. It was about 2 years ago and I was shocked I remember it really clearly as we were passing between junction 43 and 42 on the M6 at the time and I went home got on the Internet and had a bit of a cry as it was not proved but suggested and possibly happening. Disgusts me.

So what makes a person want to fuck a kid? I really don't know? I have some weird shit rolls through my mind at times but I have never woke up and thought,"You know what today I'd like to plunge my cock into a small child." I can't understand it and you cant train someones tastes to it which makes me think is it a genetic thing? It cant be something like an S&M thing where as your Mum was a prick you like to have an Amazonian bird clip one of your bollocks off while having a shit on you while you wear a gas mask and wanks you off.......... That's psychological and a bit odd!

Before you think this is a cough against all things against the law it isn't. I've been involved in things that would probably make you turn pale, been shot twice.........yeah didn't hurt. But it's against the things the law isn't doing for us, see I really don't care if I live or die as I've done all the things in my live I want to do..... Nearly but if I play a part in stopping the utter foul shit that this post is about about I'll die content.

This has to stop and it has to stop now and if the police can't do it we have to do it. I am going to do my best to start a sensible nationwide vigilante group to take action. The above picture will be the membership emblem...........it's going on my elbow as its the last thing a noncer will see before it get KTFO.

GET INVOLVED YEAH!

SWEARING YEAH.................................. IS IT BECOMING THE VERBAL EQUIVALENT OF WHITE DOGSHIT???

Yea Y'all....... I've been noticing something over the last few months that has started to get me a little startled, its something that you probably don't care about but I'm finding as the, "Younger" generation is starting to mature the everyday occurrence of swearing is starting to lose its edge a bit.

Now don't get me wrong the simple classics of Fuck, Shit, Piss, Wank and for very special occasions a Cunt have not disappeared and are used with an alarming regularity but I don't feel in the right way. Now when I swear which is a lot as I like to swear the word is used for a reason. I use a swear as an elliptical so a statement I'm about to make has some gravitas or makes it funny. Or the swears I use have some creativity involved, some thought put into them.

I've put the above photo in just to really explain the title as if anybody born after 1983 will never have seen a white dog shit. They disappeared with 7" singles and they weren't for sale in Woolworth.

Anyway back to the matter in hand, earlier on I went for a hearing test and a quote to get a hearing aid and before you start with me being an old fucker I'm only 36 and this was caused my nearly getting killed to death by a group of pikeys this time last year. They syringed my ears and did a test and to get something that doesn't look like a Lilliputian's prosthetic limb attached to the side of of my face might not be too expensive... and work too!

So when I came out of there my hearing was a touch crisper than usual and happened across a conversation that I'd usually walk off on but heard it and it was two kids of about 17 just talking in swear? I'm not going to annotate the conversation but every other word was a fuck or a shit and while unpleasant it just didn't make any sense. Even when I was that age I looked for swears that were at least funny. I used to look for a creation in swear which made sense and made people laugh things like Cock Piss or Fanny Badger or even Porch Front instead of Cunt. Apple Chunk instead of Spunk and if making a racial joke Oily Cog instead of wog and Adidas Trakkie instead of paki. The previous two phrases may cause dismay but in our group of friends we had Indians, Pakinstani's, Chinese and Afro Caribbian friends who referred to us as Girly Shites (whites) or oppowogs.............. I liked that last one!

So let's keep swearing alive everyone. Swearing outlives and out dates any form of racism or exclusion and really is just to make your self feel better or put weight on something you say. But in my case just to  keep myself chipper. Lets keep swearing creative and teach the kids its not something just to say in a convo its a gleeful talent of which I like to think I am the Yoda of! So here are some of my favorite swears. 

Take note and use them!

Crotch Crickets - Crabs

Dutch Tea Break - Having a wank

Shake The Bishops Hand - Having a wank

Farmers Protest - The massive shits usually while on the phone to the bank

Cotton Bullet - Jam Rag

Norman Cook - your explainable story of refreshment that  made a "Fat bird slim"

Serpent Socket - A fanny

Terry Waite's Allotment - An untidy chuckeralla, or an old ladies one from an 80's ruffle pamphlet

Drown the chocolate slugs - Have a shite.

Indian Mustard - The shits.

Pamela Handerson - A bird you'd sherman over when they actually printed "grumble"

Rib Cushions - Tits n shirt potatoes n stuff

Stretford Confetti - Gravel or any small stones

To Have A Tooth Coming Through - Having an itchy arse

Mufflinks - When your Mrs gets a piercing down below. 

Cunt Corks - Johnnies or condoms

Pan Of Burnt Chips - an unusually attractive bird that you only get disappointed when you take the wrapping off. Yep was right happy got home took her kit off and she had the saggiest moley knockers you ever seen it was like taking the top of a pan of burnt chips.

Strangle Kojac - Have a wank, chuck on a roll or making the bald man cry

Bully's Special Prize - has the phrase "Aaaaaaaaand" in front of it while dropping some "Dogs Eggs" Your Mrs never finds this funny especially if she has friends round and watching Bridgitte Jones with her ugly friends  for the millionth time.

Scouse Tax - Theft

A Wigan Rosette - the view of the bog once you've been to Flames.

Tramp Vegas - phone boxes, parking meters and vending machines checked by the homeless for forgotten change.

Bilbo Baggins Foot. - Description of a really hairy fanny which is unnecessary nowdays. 

So keep up creativity people and lets not get funny swearing a lost talent that is only something that's found in a snug of an old pub by old men drinking mild with twigs and moss floating in it 

Christmas Joys Yeah!