WELL IT'S JULY!... WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT. BY THE WAY LIFE GETS BETTER WHEN YOUR 30.

Had some colour plopped in the lines from a couple of weeks ago today. I'm very happy with it, however had to stop at the shading and orange and yellow as it knocked the shit out of us a bit. Can't wait for a bit of healing and some blue and white to complete. Now I always thought I had a good threshold for pain, never used to cry when I fell off my BMX when I was a kid and scraped my hands and knees and don't smash the place up when I hit my funny bone. But an extended bit of needling of late has killed us. So Ive come to the conclusion that I'm glad I'm not a woman. Monthly menstruation....... No thanks, I go on a bike ride every 28 days; that's my monthly cycle and as for child birth........ just fuck off.

Really good tattoo session this time again with laughs and beer and stuff throughout which ended with Porkchop the dog sat on my knee with a very sticky ear from ice cream topping all over it and Ol's little boy watching on almost curling inside out in expectation for a telling off as he'd got the dog sticky and Ollie found him upstairs at one point with all the hobs on experimenting the only way four year olds can! 

Now it's July already more or less. That's come round remarkably quick again. I only think about this as It'll soon be my birthday and another year will have shuffled round my mortal coil without me noticing and I'm now officially entering my late 30's. Yeah I'll be 36. But I'm looking in the mirror and I'm looking old too. Have you seen that last Beastie Boys video where they're still being DEF but you cant help thinking they look like your Uncles on a stag do trying desperately trendy in their old breakdance the movie gear...... Yeah that's me too! 

See that I just said DEF like it still means something. Didn't realise people stopped saying it until last year when someone asked me to stop being rude about ear spastics.

But no shock horror! being in your 30's is ace there's loads of stuff that's better than your 20's in the whole. Firstly your insurance and other things just get cheaper and to be honest I'm inpatient to get to my fifties just so I can take out some more life insurance and get a free coffee maker and Parker pen from SAGA. You also have more control over your environment, you don't let just anyone into your lives and you treat things like Facebook responsibly, I have a grand total of 65 Facebook friends at the minute, and I have all of their phone numbers too.... on the most part before they were FB friends. You are generally better off than you were in your twenties too and have less to worry about and you know your strengths and weaknesses better too so you won't endeavor into something you know your going to be right shit at.

The main thing I've discovered about my thirties is that I've come to realise that adults in the main are an absolute joke! When I were a kid I thought adults were the most amazing creatures I'd come across. They could do stuff I couldn't, kick a football higher than I could, ride a bike better than I could ever wish and laugh at jokes that I didn't understand and really like Irish folk music too............. For the record as I've got older mind I've heard them jokes again and again and still don't understand them plus no matter what anyone says Foster and Allen are still mind bogglingly shite! Seriously I remember turning up for the first day of my Sunday job aged 12 rolling contact adhesive (stickyback plastic) in Trafford Park in Manchester it was 1987. The bus journey there was OK I was really excited by seeing the Kelloggs factory and loads of diesel trains flowing through it while listening to Terence Trent D'Arby on my Binatone Walkman. But when I got off the bus and was looking for the warehouse I never felt so small even though I was a big moon faced fat cunt back then, loads of real MEN walking about in overalls with bacon butties, swearing and smoking and stuff. I nearly found myself running to the nearest policeman and giving him my Mums telephone number and pretending to be a spaccer and telling him I ran away from home. 

Didn't stop there either when I found the warehouse and started work I just got the piss ripped out of us for about a year. Just tons of really intelligent fat jokes, like every time I went near anyone work station to ask a question they all made a point of hiding their packed lunches and saying it wasn't for me and even the tea lady coming round and serving everyone mugs of tea with the company logo on and mine served in a pint pot. Fuckers, saying that they're all probably dead of the cold or lung disease now. But they did ingrain into me my love of hip hop and Manchester music that was starting to boil up at that time.

But these were guys who knew what they were doing, just did it, did it well and had a laugh along the way. Now this I don't think you see anymore.

 taken me to the courts for the years payment as...... according to my solicitor......... its been applied to the wrong account too....... Fucking HOW????.......... Perfic!....... But when you call all you get is.............

"Takemetoahappyplacetakemetoahappyplacetakemetoahappyplacetakemetoahappyplace," until you just get fucked off and either leave or put the phone down and write a letter, they can generally deal with that better as they can leave it in a tray on their desk until you ring again and pretend they never got it until you say you have proof of postage at which point you can almost hear an office chair get sucked up their own anus which had been twitching like a rabbits nose already.

meh! I give up to be honest. With problems there's a solution and generally a solution can be found in minutes. A problem arises when someone is wrong and someone is right.

Fuck me though try and find someone who will take responsibility now days! Well come and see my friends and colleagues they will. NONE OF THEM WORK FOR THE COUNCIL OR UNITED UTILITIES THOUGH. You may remember in a previous post where I mentioned I got Alton Towers water bill. I thought this was now sorted out when I got a revised bill off £198.43. It wasn't, they just split into three unrelated amounts. I only found this out when I called to pay it on Tuesday and was questioned when the outstanding was going to paid???????......... They're sending an engineer now!..........Proper spastics again.

So I have some badges to print out and wear.

By the way the second image if you want to copyright it you can, the first one you can't as you see it displayed by all the Eastern European teenage porn models......... well in my brain you do, Julia Sunrace does she's my friend on Facebook! FACT!.................... don't ask I don't know either just woke up on a Sunday it was there.

Anyways SAFE Peoples I'm off to the shop in my RUN DMC jacket and buy some beer, It looks like this.

Then when I get in I'm going to do the beer in and do in some of this while dressed in a smoking jacket telling myself stories and jokes I've already heard with the Curiosity Killed The Cat and Roachford on in the background really loud until the neighbours complain!

I'm in work tomorrow at 8.30. So why do this?........................ I'll tell you.

'COS I'M AN ADULT SO I'M A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAY!

Hey keep pegged all the radio shows start in a few weeks. Don't know much about it yet but they'll be available through Itunes as podcast and live through Facebook and Spreaker, don't know how that works really beyond my tech knowledge but I'll find out.... ie. problem/solution thing. Milligan and Myself had a sort of production meeting last night for about five minutes then we just had pints and stuff. But its going to be good lots of un PC chat, very very very very ill jokes and even local bands n stuff. If you don't know Mill he's the Poet Bastard of Cumbria, done a tour an all! To give you an idea I'll tell you one of his jokes he told me a couple of years ago

"Two square meals a day and a shag every night....... Yeah that Elizabeth Fritzels got fuckin' loads to complain about hasn't she!"

Yeah you can see where this going cant you!

SAFE, DEF, DOPE..................... PEACE EVERYONE!!!!!

WORD YEAH!

ALBUM COVERS ...............YEAH!

Mum.???

So I was having a stroll across the internet the other day an happened across a load of album covers someone had found. I think they're funny from a time where no body cared about PC or any of that shite. so here's a 

few!

why everything but the tights?

that means Love your Mother

I interrupt on this one as her RUN DMC glasses and somewhat 3rd reich demeanour means she aint got parents.

his poor nose

Beep fuckin Beep!

I like Texas I've been there!

YEAH that's me at my Sisters Wedding

Bad log.

its Meeeeeeeee!

Yeah so there it is.mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm YEAH! ha 

YEAH Y'ALL LET'S BRING IT BACK YEAH! OH BY THE WAY I ONLY LIVE IN THE BIGGEST CITY IN ENGLAND........ FUCK YOU LONDON!

So here I am it's early evening, back from work, telly on with some early evening cotton wool broadcasting on in the back ground and most importantly had my 2nd cigarette of the day. Now over the past couple of weeks I've been trying to A. not smoke during the day and B. stay off the sauce. Now the boozy one isn't really an issue as I have had a few drinks but apart from a couple of nights haven't got right pissed. But fuck me the ciggys have been hard, I can't think straight during the day and keep having to watch myself so as of tomorrow I'm right back on them again. 

So I've got the 3rd series of Sons Of Anarchy on my computer now and just watched the first episode..... It's ace as fuck as it always is. If I didn't have to go to work tomorrow I'd settle in and watch all thirteen episodes but it's an own clothes day in work tomorrow so I have to get my super dopest stuff together in case my future wife come in! So here I am about to cough a few thoughts listening to my phone on random on my Blackberry Bluetooth Stereo Gateway! I like it 'cos it's like an eighties hockey puck that always connects to my phone whether or not I want it to and if I'm on the phone when i come home it auto connects and i speak to someone through my telly...................like the little girl who is now dead God rest her Soul from the eighties favourite Poltergeist.......................... Carol Aaaaaaaanne.

This is what it looks like, get one it'll make you life no better!

Now then was only talking to my new friend in work yesterday and he happened to let me into a fact that I am very interested in. Now where I work the people there was a Brummie, Manc, two Scots and a token Carlislian. We Have few new friends in and they've been in Carlisle longer than I have mainly as they are from the most part from Carlisle.

Hang on a minute Public Enemy Bring The Noise is on................. CHECKIT.

NEVER BADDER THAN BAD 'CAUSE THE BROTHER IS MADDER THAN MAD AT THE FACT THAT'S CORRUPT AS A SENATOR SOUL ON A ROLL  BUT YOU TREAT IT LIKE SOAP ON A ROPE 'COS THE BEATS AND THE LINES ARE SO DOPE.

Yeah Y'all you like that?.............. That is how we do things in Botch.......... to to Be!

Don't get me started as I'll turn into MC TUNES!

So anyway as I was saying before what I consider to be youth culture grabbed a hold of me and I had to shoot some machine gun poetry, me new pal Dave..The Mack Daddy Kay told me interesting fact. Carlisle is the BIGGEST City in the UK. Now I immediately thought this was a load of shite as I moved up here to get away from stuff and liked it as when I first got off the train I thought it looked like Chester. So did a bit of research and My God it's true. Geographically the city is massive, so..... so.... its massive so fuck off London, Manchester, Birmingham etc............

But it did make me think as I freely came here thinking it was a lovely small place to build myself back up again where no one knows us. But that will always change where ever we are I suppose. A lot of people think I'm an aggressive person but I'm not I'm a solution finder and cant be arsed with that bit in the middle. 

So we must have super powers like X-MEN. Well we do. My best friends "The Pest" a hairdresser from Hell he can sniff a good greasy spoon in a town, me, trained as a window dresser and alterations tailor..... can sort a good boozer from a county and Sharpy a Chief Accountant for a large American investment bank........ he can add up like fuck.

Yeah we're happy with it and if some suit finds us enjoying a drink in a snug in some boozer in Stockport in 2030 asking for help, they'll get the answer.............. never heard of em?

Now sorry about the previous diatribe but what this was all about was bringing old Hip Hop phrases back into common speech. Im well on for it if just one person uses words like, dope, def, word. it's a success. Nuff Respec. B Boy, Buffalo Girl. Safe, twattoo, arse horns! etc.

Join me on this and I'd love to hear your contributions!

WORD PEOPLES!!!!!

HOBBY'S WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR .............................. WELL LETS SEE!

Ahh hobbies, have you got one? Bet you think you have but unless you have too much time on your hands and no energy, talent, thought and nothing else to fill it you haven't. 

Well let me put it this way. When was the last time you got home from work and thought, " Christ I can't wait to go out of my way and piss about gluing together a Lancaster bomber." Or " Crikey I've got nothing on so I'll make a scale model of the Vatican out of twigs, rabbit foreskins and my own shit." Oh never? Well if you have stop reading now. If you, like me haven't ............. WELCOME your normal!

Now you might turn round and say that you go to the gym as a hobby. That's not a hobby. All that means is that you are deeply unhappy with both yourself and the body God gave you and you are obviously socially awkward too and you narcissistically go to the gym everyday, mercilessly hurt you body into an ugly shape whilst plugged into your MP3 player not speaking to anyone and go home have a flavourless health drink and some steamed chicken and go to bed and wank yourself to sleep crying as you remember how your mum hugged you when you had chicken pox.

Now then what do I do when I finish work? well I generally sling on some lounge wear and watch some telly as I'm generally feeling too lacklustre and tired to do anything. I do from time to time go fishing but I wouldn't call it a hobby though. I have in the last year managed to catch 16........... yes 16 nights and days on the piss while fishing but I've only caught 1 fish. I like fishing as i can sit by the sea and drink some booze and think for a while, plus it gives me time to appreciate the coastline I live by

me drinking in the sun lookin' a bit B-Boy

This is not a hobby it;s a social indulgence where I go on the piss, go to bed, go to the sea, get pissed looking at the sea, go home sun burnt.............. its ace!

So i you have a bone fide hobby I feel a bit sorry for you as you better call a solicitor as A. your wife's on the verge of leaving you or B. your in a clock tower about to pick off some innocent people.


ENJOY YOUR AIRFIX YEAH!

IM GOING TO BUY THIS!

WELCOME TO MONGSVILLE....... OOOH! WHERE IS IT???.......... JUST FOLLOW THE M6 TILL YOU SMELL DESPAIR AND STUPIDITY.

CHRIST ALMIGHTY!!!............ What a fantastically weird day... Well week its been! Tuesday afternoon all the electrics went pop in work and have literally fucked everything for the next couple of weeks, this must have followed me home as my tellies playing up, not enough to warrant the, " Ahh fuck it I'll go get another," attitude I have when electrical stuff starts to go wrong but just enough for me to take notice. But that's not the only thing either, my computers started to get really needy even my coffee maker which is digital as well just started to be a right dickhead too. I set it to fire up at 6.30 am every morning so when I spring out of bed and bounce down the stairs of my Scandinavian log cabin I'm greeted by fresh coffee and a selection of danish pastries all purveyed to me by a scantily clad arian blond bird who's genetics are so perfect they could have been designed by Hitler and Mengele in the 40's.

Not thisfuckingmorning though! Stumbled down stairs just to the smell of last nights pizza remains and the harsh reality that I don't live in a log cabin I actually live in a small semi in Carlisle and instead of being greeted by a blond slimmy offering me cakes and shit all I get is a clothes airer populated with slightly damp jeans and a bag of Tesco doughnuts which I've not shut properly so the top ones have gone a bit dry and stale plus no coffee. Could I get the bastard to work? The lights on and the LCD display is showing a drippy animation but in reality this isn't happening. I press the button again.............. press it again harder............. click it about fifty times. No Coffee. Turn it off and on again and Hey Presto........ Nothing. Now this is a bit of an issue as I have a routine in the morning which involves a coffee and a doughnut/pastry/toast(if I can be arsed with the toaster) and my first cigarette of the day, all of which I do while staring at the wall in the kitchen for about twenty minutes thinking about stuff, nothing important just...... well........ stuff. It's a vital part of my morning that greases the cogs of my mind for the day ahead, I cant even have a shower or leave the house without it last time I did I felt hugely incomplete and got to work and realised I'd left my keys stuck in the front door. So my first coffee is really important and I'd now given up on the coffee maker and was leaning over it to reluctantly grab a jar of instant from the cupboard and the thing ERUPTS into life, not just a pop and a trickle no no no. The sound I can only describe as like standing next the Flying Scotsman as it dumps its boiler mixed with the bark of a coal miners cough with a plume of steam a geyser would be proud of. Now I shit my pants, really did and shot back from the cupboard, stood on a spoon I dropped and then fell into the clothes airer which I actively tried not fall on as it's a bit flimsy but just fell through it anyway, so ended up on the floor covered in damp denim with a coat hanger trying to work it's way up my clay pit. I hate the feel of damp denim as well and to be fair I'm not too struck on getting a coat hanger shoved my arse either. 

So I looked up and saw the coffee maker looking back and sneering at me and though, fuck it, coffees on and set about my business. While I was having my stary wall breakfast and cigarette think I happened to think about the yobbish behaviour of my electricals and briefly thought of how funny it was that they had started becoming self aware and if this was happening all around the country to everyone. Now don't get me wrong I'm not talking big scary military computers and hardware doing a Skynet number just the everyday shite you have round your house you use and depend on acting up and just being arseholes for their own amusement and how much it was starting to piss me off, to be honest I couldn't wait to get out of the gaff before the telly started to get on my tits...... Not that it was playing up just that on the whole it just broadcasts tedious shite.

So I got ready and headed into town a good bit earlier than I wanted and was a little lost but with my music in my ears just blocked out the world around but was surprised by the amount of people just out and about. It was only when I got into town itself I stopped to light a ciggy, I straightened up and looked around to be greeted by a sight which looked like this

People aimlessly littering the streets like zombies, you know like the ones out of the 1978 Dawn Of The Dead George A. Romero film not doing anything much just having a wander around looking into space I think one had a pen and was drawing on his face as well. I was really surprised, could all these people be having the same problems with their mundane technology as I am? Unwittingly forced out their houses by a gobbyUrgh!" and turned around walked back out as I watched him our eyes met and he looked at me like a piece of shit and went, " Ugh," again. Then it all made sense, these people weren't unfortunate mishaps unwillingly ousted from their houses by tetchy tech. They were just ignorant, self important, supercilious, thick, obnoxious CUNTS.

More the fool me for being so absorbed in my own foibles! But it was unusual to get so many of the same breed out on the same day. Now I'm not saying my town is full of arseholes as every town has the same or similar percentage of them, but every now and the when the conditions are right they all seem to come out in  one go and it has a knock on effect on everything. I don't know whether if its the way the planets are aligned or the way the moon is in the solstice or the druids fucking about with something but at certain times they bloom like the algae in the Bering Sea.

This isn't an isolated incident, I was chatting to my pal in Manchester earlier and the same thing happened there too. He had to take the kids to Sainsbury this morning to do the weekly shop which is usually a biggun   as they have four kids and his words were, " Had to knock it on the head twenty minutes in as the place was full of Spastic Arseholes who were making the Kids and Me act up!"

His TV's on the blink too! 

Anyway looking forward to tomorrow as the conditions are prime for normal people who don't think the world owes them a favour.

Watch out for the Bastards People..... YEAH!

THIS IS WHY I'M DUBIOUS ABOUT SINGLE WOMEN WHO HAVE CATS.

shame really as she's madder than a bag of them.

Beware YEAH!

NEW TATTOO + PROFANISAURUS FAVOURITES

So nipped round to Ol's today to get a start on a new tattoo and I dwell a bit of importance on this one as a Koi I have been planning for a number of years and as you can see from above it is excellent. Still got shading and colour to though so will keep you all posted. Quite glad it was just the lines today as it's been a bit unlike the others I've had done which didn't really hurt but were more a comfortably numb scratchy annoyance as this one did hurt a fair bit when I was getting it done............ fucking really stings now, think its really because of the larger area it covers.

Hey another HTC update. I rang through to organise the repair and they put me on hold for 45 minutes and never picked up again then I realised it was 6.20 pm and they'd fucked off home............ I couldn't sit down for twenty minutes as my piss was boiling so much. See what happens tomorrow YEAH.

So a new profanisaurus update of a few of my latest faves.

pace car n. When paying a sit down visit, the slow, unaerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped-up botrods behind it to put their foot down into the first bend.

FFTBBB abbrev. The inevitable converse of a bobfoc. A girl who possesses a face pretty enough to be rendered by a Renaissance great, but who has a body resembling a medieval vision of Hell. Face From Titian, Body By Bosch

brewer's flu n. A nasty hangover

royal decrees n. Movements passed whilst sat on the throne

.

coconut husk n. In erotic photography and nude police work, the soft mound of clocksprings which becomes visible when a lady assumes the position.

calve v. To have a difficult delivery on the toilet. To attempt to pass an exceptionally toublesome stool where, in extreme cases, it may be necessary to tie a rope around it and get someone to pull it out

.

slagazine n. Ladies' periodical that does not make too many intellectual demands on its readership, eg. 'Take a Break', 'Chat', 'Hello', 'OK', 'Spare Rib' etc

salt and pepper n. Horrible little tits where the nipple area is larger and more protruding than the rest of the breast, giving them the appearance of the silver-capped condiment shakers found in cafes

frigmerole n. Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay performed on a missus.

wire spider n. The hairs around the chocolate starfish that come to life when you are in a meeting or in the checkout queue at Asda.

Portuguese breakfast n. A hearty bowl-full to start the day. A watery, clotted shit that resembles the sort of thing they'd probably eat over there.

Toblerone tunnel n. The gap, triangular in cross section, between the tops of a slender woman's thighs and her skin gusset, into which the popular confection would slide neatly

tummy Tetris n. The strange, yet not unpleasant, sensation whereby one's unborn change of hearts slot together satisfyingly in one's alimentary canal, before disappearing with an amusing noise

schizophrenic face n. Of a lady, to have stunningly beautiful eyes, but a nose like Ricky Tomlinson's.

Bungle's finger n. A short, stocky turd, named after the ursine simpleton from the 70s children's show 'Rainbow'.

Excalibur n. A magic turd of legendary proportions that rises eerily out of the water in a mist-shrouded toilet.

keep shouting sir, we'll find you exclam. milit. Humorous phrase uttered after someone hasdropped a particularly loud gut. See also 'speak up caller, you're through' and 'a bit more choke and she would have started'

loose fries in the bag euph. Descriptive of a feeling of serendipitous sexual jubilation on discovering the bird one is copping off with has hidden extras, eg. has a shaved snatch, is wearing stockings, is a swallower. From the joyous feeling experienced when, on finishing one's McDonald's, one finds extra chips in the bottom of the bag

scissors, paper, stone 1. n. A traditional playground game. 2. n. The hand motion used by German porn stars in fisting movies; First two fingers, then four, then the full monty.

Anyway I'm off to nurse my open wound and get my shit together for work tomorrow.

IN A BIT AND THAT!

REPLIES FROM HTC

Hey I've had a reply from HTC already:-

Thanks for contacting HTC support. We appreciate your efforts in producing such a long email. In order to pin-point the nature of your support enquiry, would you let me know - What is the nature of the problem? (I read you have had some faulty SD cards?) What make are these SD cards that have become faulty? Where were these purchased? I gather you have a Desire S. To avoid any ambiguity, please let me know all the details pertaining to the support case. Thanks again and I look forward to hearing from you.

Hi Jason, Thanks from your prompt reply. Apologies for the length and almost irrelevance of my initial letter, but, as you can imagine I was little miffed! Yes I am having a problem the same problem with another one of you devices, it is a SD card problem. The devices are without warning making the cards unreadable by any device. It first tells me there is a damaged SD card in the notification bar and then prompts me to format the SD card which it then fails to do with the message external media in unknown state. I have after this tried to re-format the cards in my computer which it will not do either. I am currently using a Desire S IMEI 355067048043681 serial number HT13VTJ46132 on Android 2.3.3, but have had this same issue with my Desire HD and my desire too all purchased from the Vodafone store in Carlisle. And what I find strange is the way it completely decimates the SD cards and all the Data that is on them and renders them unusable. The SD cards have all been Sandisc cards 1 x 8gb card that came with my HD, 1 x 16gb purchased from the Vodafone store in Carlisle at some point in 2009 and finally another 16gb purchased off Amazon in December at some point. Now as I mentioned in my previous note I do work in the retail side of a network and I know that this is not an isolated incident as I have had countless customers and colleagues with the same issue. Also I would like to add that stored on these SD cards was just music I had taken off my CD's, nothing downloaded from any file sharing sites which I know can be unstable, applications only downloaded from the market and was also running the AVG antivirus application from the market too. I trust this answers your questions, If you require any further information please do not hesitate to contact me Kindest regards Des Lawton

Many thanks for your reply. In this case, we would need to collect the device and have it examined by the engineers. When you call to make the arrangements please mention the three cards that have been damaged so we can put that on the notes. In order to book your phone for repair, please call our Hotline on 0845 890 0079, we will collect some more details, book the device for repair and organise UPS to pick up the device. Repair time is quite quick at the moment with repairs only taking 5 - 10 days. Apologies for the inconvenience this issue must be causing. I hope that this information meets with your requirements, should you have any further questions please do not hesitate to contact us again. If this response has resolved your query, and you have no further questions please close this ticket by following the link below. Upon closure of the ticket you will be invited to complete our Customer Satisfaction Survey which should take no more than 1 minute to complete.

So it's got to go for repair. Not specifically the result i was looking to obtain but we'll see what happens hey. But I have to say I'm taken back with the promptness of the service here. I'll keep you updated.

WORLDS GONE MAD AGAIN, OR STILL IS............. IS IT THE 80'S AGAIN?

Well it's that time of the quarter again where I have to bite the bullet and actually have a proper look at the news. As mentioned in a previous post a few months ago I don't bother with the news on a regular basis mainly as it gets on my nerves as the majority of it's not news and just media wrangled gossip that's been readjusted to nervous up the mong masses that seem to inhabit this Country nowadays.

So just switched the telly on and caught the end of Look North, wasn't anything on it to be honest but it did lead into the One Show which I do watch from time to time only as I'd really like to give Kate Walsh a big punch in the knickers! Funny mind she wasn't on it, it was Jenny Frost..................... oooooh hello! Now if anyone had mentioned Jenny Frost to me before today usually I'd have cast the comment off with a brisk NO! But fuck me she's quite fit and like a fine wine she seems to have got much better with age unlike the rest of the harridans she was in Nuclear Pussy with who in my mind are a bit like hotel toast.. ie. it was once hot.

Right back to the news, to be quite frank there was fuck all in the reports so went onto the BBC website just to get myself genned up on what's really happening in the world today. So here's a round up. Right some Congo diplomats bird has been caught out smuggling fags........... yeah make your own mind up on that one but they must be some rotten snout. Prince Phillip is a apparently slowing down at 90..... no he won't he'll still be a bumbling unintentionally racist old man a bit like my Dad is and Mum was but in every press photo he'll be pictured next to a Panda so that'll make it alright. There was something about a pissing chimp...... don't like primates....... really don't like them. Something about a robber getting smuggled in some luggage I tried to make sense of this but it started getting complicated do I fucked it off and did the same about a famous missing but found sheep in New Zealand throwing a seven, I saw a picture of it and it had tons of wool on it and I suppose the meat would be a bit tough but as a farmer I'd just get me money back on it, how much is a sheep worth in our Antipodean friends in English till....... about 50p?

So there's the fuckin news again.......... or is it? Now a few days ago I was releasing myself from slumber and it was about 5.00 am and I was vaguely starting to become compus mentus to what was being said on the radio and distinctly thought I heard the words Gaddaffi, troops, ordered rape, rape as a weapon and supplying his troops with a Viagra like drug. Now at this point I was a bit confused to I sat up in my opulent, massive, sleigh bed and looked towards the window and my fish tank....... it was dark..... so I decided to do something constructive and turn the radio off and get my head down for another few hours as this must be my head from dream land just shoving the thoughts of Gaddaffi being ultra mad as I'd written about a few months before. 

So I got up and turned on the radio, slung on my robe and sloped into the shower turning the bathroom radio on while I went. Got myself clean and was listening to a bit of the Chris Moyles show an then the news came on which I usually ignore but they repeated the story that I thought was a dream!  So Gaddaffi is plying his troops with Viagra type drugs and telling them to rape birds as a weapon..................... REALLY.

Now I personally found this hysterically bonkers. For a start since I've been about 8 I remember seeing Gaddaffi on the 9 o clock news and he was madder than a bag of cats then and that was 1983, 28 years ago. It's obvious he's a fucking fruit loop so why was nothing done then? Only a couple of years ago on a visit to the UK he was allowed to put some fuckin' yurt up in the Queens gardens with a posse of bodyguards of 40 navy suited, very fit virgins.............. liked his style with that though. Now to come up with the "Gem" of an idea to feed his Libyan troops with cheap Viagra and go around fighting and raping to gain some form of success fails a bit in my books for two main reasons. 1.  Where did he get the drugs from as I didn't think anyone answered those unsolicited e-mails you get about how to grow you cock 4" in a week and 2. How did the fucking idiot think it would work? they're Libyans in 2011 who are built like a scrawnier version of me but with little wiry cocks that are covered out of sight by a huge amount of unkempt pubic hair even when they're stalked up! Not sodding Vikings from the 10th century who were built like a small semi-detached house with a 7 foot oblong cock.

Anyway the authorities have taken action by doing pretty much nothing except laugh the whole occurrence off as a strange misdemeanour. Luckily the Americans have stepped in by doing this.

Yay Obama............ Yeah? After this I have to say I'm struggling now to take anything seriously on this planet to be honest. I seriously think that the average IQ in this country is dropping on a daily basis as people get too lazy to give any independent thought as they are hoping someone else will do it for them as part of their income tax contributions. I find it woeful.

Now this may sound a bit wrong but to be honest I don't really care. recently I've started to notice a lot of retarded couples knocking about together. I don't mean just immature idiots I mean......... well..... how  can I put this........... in a nice way?............. well I can't.......... proper Spastics who are disabled in the head that need help. I don't think it's the Town I'm in I think it's the fact I'm getting older and notice these things a bit more.

Now before you start getting on you high horse and start labelling me a bastard I'm not having a dig at them, what I am having a dig at is the level of care that these guys have as what's obviously happened is funding's been cut and instead of having a proper qualified carer to spend time with them they are buddied up and left to roll the streets for the day, which is great while they drag each other around apart from stopping by a wall for an hour to look at a ladybird stretch it's wings. But theses are real beautiful intelligent people who deserve better.

Before we know it the GCSE will be one exam and the only questions on it will be.

NAME

2 + 2 = 

If you get both right you'll get auto acceptance into  a university to learn the history of Big Brother by audio as writing would be considered as not inclusive............. Fuck Off YEAH!

Right so that's the news for the next few months, in fact might not bother with it for the rest of the year.

In that case normal service will resume 

LATERS YEAH!

I'M AMOST ANNOYED. I'VE WROTE A LETTER OF COMPLAINT!

YEAH Y'ALL

Now as a few of you may know I use my trumpets (Phones) for everything usually, text n phone obviously but e-mail, facebook, Internet and stuff but more importantly I use it for music and photo's. Now about ten years ago I destroyed a lot of my past memories in a fit of mental spasticism which is to be quite honest is none of your business. But over the last few years I have religiously kept everything , well until today where my shiny new trumpet decided to just fuck off my 16GB memory card in a fit of injustice I can only compare to something Robert Mugabe did to his people in Zimbabwe....... The  Proper Fuckin' Bastard.

Anyway I tried to recover it and that turned out to be a massive FAIL. Now usually I do back everything up to my PC and when I was using a blackberry this was a piece of piss as I plugged it in and it did it. However about a month ago I started using a HTC again, mainly as they are beautiful to use and generally as reliable as a wood burning stove. My weapon of choice was the Desire S, on using it, WOW, was I smashingly surprised and excited! The things that were shit before were now Aces................. Well that was until everything went arse over tit this afternoon. After a few hours of trying to recover the data off my memory card I gave up. I may as well have just have looked at the memory card with a magnifying glass, It would've served the same purpose! It's like the device itself turned into a digital pestle and mortar and smashed the fucker up.

So I went on the website to look to see if there were any cures for the issue and there weren't, but there were a few people in the forum with the same issue but who were just being told that it was their own fault; more or less.

I took Umbridge at this as I know it is a bit of an issue and found a Contact Us section so I thought it fitting to write them a letter of complaint letting them know of my personal distress. Now I haven't proof read this as it a copy and paste thing from 2 inch wide box and is also full of histrionically untrue stuff but it seemed good while I was writing it!

"Hey there, I write to you in a puddle of disillusion I'm afraid. I have to say I'm suffering again from a mysteriously broken SD card in one of your products. Now this isn't the first one either, it's my third, yes my third believe it or not!But I'm sure you can believe this! Neither is it the same device I've had 1 in a desire, one in a desire HD and finally this one in the truly beautiful Desire s. Now to be honest the first time I thought it might be a faulty SD card so I shrugged my shoulders and bought another and luckily knowing how shonky technology is I used to back that mutha up every week. Second time I kind of put down to fate, as fate being sometimes a wonderful thing can also be a bit of an idiot too! So almost annoyed I bought yet another 16gb SD card put my stuff on it as again I was backing up regularly then too and floated on............YAY. I was quite happy at this point as the cost of memory cards had reduced in price on Amazon to about £20, give or take with P@P, my first one cost me as good as £70 but that was when  16gb was a lot of storage in a SOLID STATE THAT CAN’T GO WRONG. Now a few weeks ago I was again seduced by the fabulous Desire S. It is a great device, now I was going to go for the SEN..SATION but to be honest the build quality didn’t feel great and I liked the unibody aluminium construction that made it great in the hand. Plus  If anybody asked what my phone was I wouldn’t feel compelled to shout  “Its a HTC SENSAYSHOON” like Phil Oaky out of the Human League singing TEMPTATION. Hey saying that his duet with Giorgio Moroder of Elecrtic Dreams might be a good intro song for your next conference, how’s about that then! Anyway back to my issue with memory cards as my Desire S has bit back now and I have had htis since the 19^th of last month and it has been a treat to live with and the music player was fantastic ................ until today it went a bit spakky and then it chewed my memory card.............. AGAIN!!! Now generally I’d be a bit miffed but this time but to be honest I didn’t expect it due to the reliability since the 19/05/2011 when I got it and hadn’t backed up my stuff and I was really annoyed. Now let me, let you Into a secret. I work on the retail side of a network and have done for a long time, and over that time have always championed your devices over the competition and going back to the last I remember as a touch Diamond which was let down by that awful Windows Mobile I have put into the hands of my happy customers  924 of your devices not taking into account the ones that were Network branded to date. Now then.  So where does that leave us? I’m at a bit of a loss! Now I know this is not a one off issue as we have had endless customers coming in with the same problem and it must have cost my employer a fortune in replacement SD cards but to be fair honest I never thought it would happen to me as I thought it must be summit people had on their memory cards which caused it to happen especially if it came out of a Sony Ericsson but I only had music from CD’s I own, no sketchy porn and only pics from your branded handsets and a number of camera’s and Blackberry’s.  Plus the other week when I was fishing I caught a big Turbot,  now this fella put up the fight of a pikey that was about to lose his caravan, seriously man I had to get off the harbour walls onto the beach just to land him, it took two hours of really hard work, It was 17Lb and once landed it wasn’t a he it was a she! You can tell by the anal fins by the way. We checked her for eggs to see if she was breeding but she had recently smoulted so we kept her she was nearly a metre across..... A METRE! You couldn’t see me behind the photo’s but that’s irrelevant now as they’re gone and 11 of us ate the fish too on a barbecue and it was fantastic, really ceremonial..............photo’s GONE.  Now I know we ate the fish but I have nothing now to show for it, it was a harbour record seeming as the biggest before was only 8 Lb........ BUGGER! What I could do I suppose is have a poo and take a picture of the rabbit tods in the loo and show those to my Nephews, Nieces and God Children but I don’t reckon’ that will have the same dramatic effect as seeing a big fish that is bigger than me!.... What do you reckon? Anyway I’m off now as have stuff to do which quite honestly is set my old Blackberry Storm up again as It never let us down as it did many but I’m personally putting your gigs to bed at the minute as I have a few personal functions to go to ie. Christenings and Weddings to be precise and I don’t want to lose the pics and vids as these will be irreplaceable. I can always catch another fish! So where does that leave us???  Well I’m looking at my collection of you past stuff I still have, a Tattoo, a Desire, a Desire HD and a Desire S. Oh and 3 knackered SD cards. Now I never like to put things down to money and never look at things fiscally but I’m probably down about £114.26 over the years in SD cards. But I’m just a bit miffed this time as I’ve lost some stuff and I’m glad it happened now rather than in three weeks when it could have been a MASSIVE nightmare. What I really would like is if you can have a word with your programmers to make a fix for this SD card issue it would be great, it doesn’t appear to happen with other manufactures handsets running Android and your handsets are usually the best by miles at that. I will keep Championing your devices as they are without shadow of a doubt better than anything at everything! I reckon I may purvey over 1000 by the end of august, you never know I’d like to! Hey a few years back I used to have a car business and was set a challenge to sell more Jetta’s (American for the Volkswagen Bora) than the top Stateside dealer in California in a month. We were trading in Germany YEAH???.  Anyway we did it, 257 in 22 days, I called it the GOTTAGETAJETTA challenge (say it in a Frank Gallacher way as I am Mancunian). YAY!............. Anyway I’m off now have got important stuff to do, probably shouldn’t have them mussels for me tea but I am looking forward to your response.......... LATERS YEAH!"

If they reply I'll Post it.


PS Using my Blackberry again now and it's not put a foot wrong ever......... HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!