PROFANISAURUS FAVES AGAIN!

Yeah sorry but another lazy cut and paste post again but here we are with a swearing dictionary update, haven't done one in a while but made me giggle putting it together. Most of my American readers probably wont get these! But if you need an explanation or are offended please comment or get in touch and I'll deal with you! My particular faves in the bunch are the BLUNKETT and the INVISIBLE BANJO as it is a fantasy of mine to have a lady friend of mine to wank of in front of me while singing, "When I'm cleaning windows." while I've got my, " Little stick of Blackpool rock," in my hand................ Enjoy

store defective n. A retail store fuckard

unmentionables n. Roman Catholic word allows mother-in-laws to mention genitals or underwear.

butler's cuff n. A tightly-buttoned vagina, the opposite of a wizard's sleeve. A fanny like a mouse's ear.

playing the invisible banjo v. George Formby-style female masturbation technique.

expecting a harsh winter euph. Of a bird, to be putting on weight or over-eating. 'She's stuffing her face with eclairs. She must be expecting a harsh winter.'

Heskey n. A girl who goes down at the slightest touch.

breakfast maker n. An early morning fart which is so smelly that the missus has no choice but to get out of 

bed and make the breakfast.

breather ring n. An anular indentation on a long turd, indicating where the cable layer has had to pause for breath, allowing the nipsy to partially contract. A faecal aneurism. 'Fuck me! That was a bastard to part with. I left it with three breather rings on it.'

Blunkett n. Facial expression adopted when two oncoming attractive ladies are forced to pass one to either side.

gypsy's curse n. The loss of wood before insertion, as a result of failing to buy some pegs at some point in the past 20 years.

pikey's bonus n. A grumble flick found inside a stolen video recorder. A scouser's jackpot.

up and over like a pan of milk euph. Descriptive of a gentleman who is so good at sex that he can ejaculate before he's even got his pants off.

up on blocks adj. Of a woman. A monthly MOTT failure due to a recurring leak under the beetle bonnet.

old dog's nose, dry as an sim. Descriptive of a pink wafer. A moipless muff. 'What's up love? I've been tickling your wotsit for three minutes and you're still as dry as an old dog's nose.'

Radcliffe 1. v. To fail to finish a pint. 2. n. A car that at first sight looks like a good runner, but ends up completely fucked at the side of the road. do a~ 3. v. To give up three quarters of the way through a pub crawl, fall in a gutter, and have a bit of a cry.

flux capacitor 1. n. The invention that allows a 35-year-old Michael J Fox to play a teenager in the 'Back to the Future' trilogy. 2. n. The Y-shaped vein on the shaft of the tallywhacker.

Pearl & Dean necklace n. A frankly unlikely sexual scenario, where one jizzes onto one's girlfriend in the pictures, presumably whilst shouting: 'Pa-paa...pa-paa...pa-paa-paa... pa-pa-pa...paaaaow!'

tescosexual n. A man whose incidence of sexual activity peaks during his wife's trips to the shops.

I'M HAVING BURGERS FROM TESCO FOR TEA TONIGHT................................... WHAT YOU HAVIN' ??????????????????? LATERS YEAH!

THIS IS VERY FUNNY!

Now even though I try and spend most of my time selfishly trying to make myself laugh mostly at the expense of others I very rarely have a proper belly laugh. Something has to catch me by surprise and this happened when I came across David Thorne's excellent site www.27bslash6.com and once before in the mid nineties when I watched Kingpin. The Man is a genius and please go to the site and laugh your tits off! oh and buy the book too.... I have, you probably may have heard of him before he's the guy that tried to pay a leccy bill with a piccy of a spider. Anyway I have lazily cut and pasted the last post into this for your delight!

Ten F26-A formal complaint notices

in six months.

Apparently after receiving three, you are meant to have some kind of formal meeting between the parties involved but this never happened. According to the rules, if there are five complaints, an external mediator has to be bought in. This didn't happen either and I was quite disappointed.

I don't really have anything against Simon apart from the fact that he likes the band Nickelback and has no sense of humour; I just get bored. There have actually been twelve formal complaints by Simon against me but two of those were complaining that nothing had been done about the previous formal complaints so I didn't bother scanning those in.

Click here to watch me on the roller-coaster.

Click here if you want to see the Justin Bieber files for some reason.

Click here if you want to see the "man singing".

DEAR JACK

So I got round to opening some post this evening. Not that I don't open my post but I have gradients of it the junk mail goes in the bin, non essential but interesting post goes on the side for a treat when I'm bored ie. Clubcard statements, hot offers from places I've got stuff from etc. and bills, bank statements, DVD's get opened straight away. Anyway it was interesting post time tonight and there was a lumpy brown envelope with Jack Daniels livery all over it which I thought was just one of those sample packs that just comes through your door from time to time. I opened it and out fell four Jack Daniels coasters and a letter addressed to me wishing me a FANTASTIC 30'th birthday. At first I think that's nice................ 6 years late but nice all the same but then found myself subconsciously shaking the package as if I was expecting a bottle of the stuff to fall out................. obviously one didn't. Then I took a read of the letter which was just some marketing bollocks and I get thinking, well how the fuck did I get this? Where did they get my address? I am known to get up to some internet high jinks when I'm shitfaced you should see the amount of tasteless, useless shite I have a specific cupboard for I've bought off e-bay! But I'd never get my own birthday wrong.

On having a closer look I see there's a comments section on a web address so I thought I'd drop them a line. It went like this.

Dear Mr. Daniels,

I received a tardy parcel from you this morning wishing me a happy birthday, I say tardy  but that is a little on the lenient side as it was six years late. I can only see this as an oversight on your behalf as it accidentally falling into a cosmic wormhole at the Post Office isn't something that I hear occurs with "Alarming regularity." Or even happens at all.

I was further disappointed to find it contained only four cheap mass produced coasters and not the full bottle of your delicious sippin' liquor I feel I really deserved. More specifically a bottle of your recently issued Black Label which incidentally is to commemorate you birthday. I say deserved as I have been a fan of your whiskey since I purchased a bottle at the age of 14 from Clarkes Corner in Altrincham with my home made Barton Skip Hire works pass fake ID.................... that was in 1989......... and it was only £8.75 a bottle back then. Over the past 22 years I have soaked my body and mind in so much of your liquor over 3 different continents that if you look out of your office window and look at your fleet of company vehicles I have directly contributed to the purchase of pretty much all of those.

Did you know I used to own a 1968 Dodge Charger too. Yes I did, but unlike the ones used to run your moonshine mine was black not orange with a confederate flag painted on the roof like yours are.

I did shake the envelope quite briskly but there definitely wasn't a bottle in there. I trust this is an oversight on your part and look forward to receiving my bottle of Black Label very soon.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAR

Desmond Lawton




I'll let you know if I get a reply!



YEAH!!!

WELL DONE DAD!

Christ two posts in one night eh???? 

See at the start of my previous post I happened to mention a bit of a lacklustre congratulations to my best pal who had recently been presented with a bouncing new parcel of joy. The reason it was a little bypassed was that I was going to expand on it later on in the post, as it happened I got side tracked and forgot...... Hey I'm only human!

So anyway NEW BABY MASSIVES MY BROTHER!!!! that's a bit more fitting. Obviously congrats and a tip of the hat forward to Mum too but on this occasion I'm going to concentrate on Dad!

My point is when a healthy new baby is born it's a joyous occasion for all and its congratulations all round but most of the focus goes to Mum. Dad gets a slap on the back and that's about it............... But why? I mean he's had to go through the whole pregnancy too, go to every scan, check up, pre-natal class, share the emotional roller coaster with Mum as her hormones barrel roll out of control on a minute by minute basis. Share the physical and psychological peaks and troughs of hot, cold, tits hurting, don't touch me, I hate you, I love you, you did this, your fault, thank you, your the best and to quite frank if baby was conceived during a bout of coitus in the missionary position he'd have been putting the lions share of physical effort in to get the ball rolling in the first place!

So Pal and to all new Dads out there Congratulations, your obviously great in the chariot, the spunk works now you have the proof and can feel even more manly and simply WELL DONE. Your on the start of a fantastic new voyage!

NIGHT YEAH!

AM I GETTING MORE INTELLIGENT OR IS THE POPULATION GETTING DUMBER?

So its been a few weeks since my last post mainly as it's been to hot to do anything and I've been pretty busy with other things. Also things have been pretty serene in the land of Des, lots of good news too my best pal had a healthy baby boy and other stuff that's far to complicated to write about and quite frankly none of your business.

Here we are then September and we have quickly reached the twilight of another year and on the most part it's been a good one with just the usual annoyances but only today did a thought I've always had shoot to the front of my mind. I had a friend round to fix my house alarm and we got chatting over a brew and a Jaffa Cake on how Marxism displays itself in popular culture. It was a bit of a piss take conversation yet intelligent and fact based and he joked about having the same conversation in town in front of a load of American tourists and how they'd think we probably worked for Blofeld out of James Bond. I said we should just walk round the corner to the booze shop and have it where we would probably get stoned for being wizards. Then it struck me are living in a willingly dumbed down society?................. not stupid just reluctant to learn? You know what I think we are.

What I mean by this is not that every one's stupid just it seams their willingness to expand on their knowledge set once it has reached a certain level has gone and not a particularly high one at that. See ask someone to do something in a certain way and they will do it regardless whether it is the right or the wrong way even if their limited knowledge or common sense set thinks, " Mmmmmm. that's a bit odd." Ask any one I know or myself the same thing and we will look at it, consider it and if we judge it as anomalous we will ask the questions, " Why?" and " How?"

This seems more poignant this now as I have just returned from a freshers fair for a local university, and why would a man in his mid thirties be going to one of those then I hear you ask? Well it was a work thing and not because I'm a lecherous old bastard............. well I am a bit, I'm in my thirties I'm not dead or had my bollocks chopped off! But it was kind of nice to see all these adventurous new minds about to embark on a really fucking expensive three year adventure bumble about from stall to stall picking up a free bag of nodders and a home chlamydia test from the NHS stand or try and see if they could get the puck to hit the bell on a strongman test or even get goaded into trying out homosexuality for the first time at the Gay Pride stand. Which incidentally was situated right next to the previously mentioned NHS cock rot stand. Now I thought this was quite funny, whether or not it was an in joke or just a fateful oversight by the organisers I'm not sure probably the latter as not many people have my sense of humour or would have even seen a connection but it made me giggle anyway as it purveyed the kind of front room casual discrimination and bigotry only found in 1970's British sit-coms! 

Anyway got talking to a few of the students about stuff and gave advice on things and on giving advice I noticed at certain points they seemed to zone out as the stuff that was being said had hit the top of their knowledge set for that subject and rather than take heed of what I was saying they got back to thinking about where they could obtain as much credit as possible and spend their student loans on booze and drugs and holidays as opposed to where they were going to find the £9000.00 for next years fees. Now usually I'd get a bit ratty at this a become a bit of a smart arse and then it suddenly occurred to me fuck it, if I could do that I probably would, I can't so I won't but I really don't blame them for doing it.

So yeah! Society the world over is dumbing down on the most part. And the next time I ask someone where they're off on holiday and they say they're off on some cheap package deal, " 'cos I can get pissed for nowt and they speak English there." I won't brand them an intellectually desolate tramp as they don't mention culture or history I'll be a bit jealous as they're gonna have a great time. And as for the cause of this dumbing down? Well it's not TV or Media or some preview of some fucking imaginary semi communist new world order coming to power as most conspiracy theorists pipe up with as they seem to have to just give their own lives purpose. I just think its a simple defence mechanism of the human animal itself drawing a curtain over the sordid, tawdry disappointment that real life actually is.

Anyway I have a new pal on Twitter, by the way please feel free to follow me by the way there's a link on the top of the page and I'm going to coughing some mischief more regularly on that from now on or you can find me at @placidcynic. Anyway back to my new pal he's called Professor Elemental. He's a comedian and does comedy hiphop too, even though I hate those two words together usually this time they go very well...... the last time was Goldie Lookin Chain! Anyway check out his Fighting Trousers! and get his stuff.

ENJOY AND IN A BIT YEAH!