THERE'S SOMETHING OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE......... IF YOU CAN PUT UP WITH THEM

So as I sit here alone enjoying my own company, TV on with some bland early evening toss on, smell of my tea slowly wafting in from the kitchen in that kind of mind set where you're actually doing nothing but feel like your doing something I suddenly get a strange feeling...... what is it?.......mmmm not sure, could it be....naah not that.... is it?........ LONELINESS?

So it gets me thinking, do I need to find myself a new Mrs? Am I at that time of my life where I need to start pushing my personal life to its peak?

And it starts me thinking, now I'm quite old fashioned when it comes to this sort of thing. I believe in mutual respect, trust, affection, personal time and space, give and take, sharing mentally and fiscally, friendship and lovers and all that shite.......................... fuck me that looks like I'm just reciting the lyrics to an M People track. But I am and can't help it, must have been the impeccable straight as a die life I've led! I've never been a one night standy person either. Don't get me wrong, Christ I've tried, even woke up in the morning looked at the sleeping woman next to me, thought result!... tried to sneak out, stealthily got dressed, not woke her, crept down the stairs, there's my coat.. slip it on...... into the lounge to get my fags and keys..... looked around and realised am actually in my own house and I've been in a relationship for the last two years..... Fuuuuck....... so I have to face facts I must be a serial monogamist!

Now I've been pretty much single for the last few years, a few brief flings here and there, had much younger birds which although give you a huge kudos with your mates are mentally suffocating. Slightly older women who I found to be dull and needier than a three legged kitten. But something I do more more often than not is judge other couples I see in the street.............. In fact I'm a massive bastard for it, to the point if I see a mismatched pair in the street I'm struggling to stop myself from walking up to them unhooking their hands and saying............. "You can do better than that," then patting him or her on the back and putting on my top hat and cape and jumping from building to building like an eighties superhero.

Hearing people whinge about their other halves makes me think, well fuck em off if they're that much of a twat. But to be honest these are generally more minor irks rather than a cry for help. It must be as things seem to work for them, and best of luck to them too. Not seeing friends as they're not allowed out or have to ask permission???????? wouldn't work for me that one, but they're happy and in love. And a more extreme version is this.

A girl I knew, a friend of an ex, I couldn't stand her, first time I met her she came round to our house, got pissed and had a massive shit in my new bathroom which to the day I moved out of there still fucking stunk and probably still does now. Plus she was fucking gippingly ugly if she went to the Cumberland show and oinked a couple of times she would have had rosettes pinned to her the despicable fat bitch. Now to top it all and I don't know how she managed it was a massive slag, she wasn't even a borderline boiler and a friend of mine fucked her too in some bogs somewhere in town, I saw him the next week and he was still rocking forward and backwards like Arthur Fowler after he nicked the Christmas club money, he said she had big veiny tits and her fanny looked a bit like Predators face. Now she married this old fella about twenty years older with a seventeen year old son. One day she was round at ours in a bit of a state she had in the space of five hours had a morning shag with her husband, sucked off her stepson..... not for the first time and then fucked one of her regulars too. She didn't feel guilty just worried in case her husband found out as she loved him.

But anyway it worked for them and they were in love!, I won't wish them the best and I didn't really like either of them.

So I think it's time to stop being so judgemental and see people enjoy what works for them as shit and cringe inducing as it may be.

And was it loneliness I was feeling? not sure I had my tea and a cigarette and it went away but may have been, and what should my future missus have to look forward too? Well I'm interestingly handsome, great dancer, eye wateringly funny, quick witted and fuckin' dynamite in the sack! I won't go on as I don't like to boast.


WORD PEOPLES!

INSTITUTIONALISED RELIGION

Well it's been a few days since my last post reason being is that things have been relatively calm in my camp, and as I've pretty much given up the snout I've been busy booting tramps and old women just to take the edge off the withdrawal.

Now I've just seen a clip of David Blunkett on TV........ Surprised, I was. I'd almost forgot him he was so insignificant. He was talking about Christmas lights, "Inciting religious hatred." Fuck off you silly cunt open your fuckin' ey................. actually he can't even see them and I bet his dog Sadie likes them all dogs love a twinkly light.

This wasn't a recent interview it was done before he got laughed out of government for trying to introduce ID cards and giving that woman who looks like Suzanne Boyle a punch in the knickers, the idiot minded eye spastic.

I was brought up in a fairly Catholic family and schooled by Christian Brothers and didn't get bummed once........RESULT!! But it did one major job in fashioning my adult life. It has successfully made me realise how pointless any form of religion is. Anyone who is unfamiliar with it see below for my rules on each.

JEWS - WANKERS
MUSLIMS - BASTARDS
CATHOLICS - WANKERS
BAPTISTS - WANKERS IN A BATH
MORMONS - WANKERS....... WELL WANKERS WITH LOTS OF WIVES
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS - FUCKIN IDIOTS
PROTESTANTS - BASTARDS
SIKHS - CAN JUST FUCK OFF
BUDDHISTS - BALD BASTARDS
SHINTO - SHITTO MORE LIKE
AMISH - BEARDY NONCES WHO DON'T WATCH TELLY
PAGANS - HAVE A WASH
HINDU - BASTARDS
SPIRITUALISTS - NOBBERS
QUAKERS - PORRIDGE EATING BASTARDS
DRUIDS - HIPPIE BASTARDS
SUN WORSHIPPERS - STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE
WHITE WITCHES - ABUSED AS CHILDREN
JEDI'S - UNFUNNY GRAPHIC DESIGN BASTARDS.

I hope this clears things up for everyone.


Enjoy!!

VALENTINES DAY CONSUMERISM RELATIONSHIPS = LIFE LIES + DISAPPOINTMENT

As I get older I never cease to get mildly amazed at the importance people put on second-fiddle celebrations, and particularly younger folk too; by younger I'm generally referring to the sub 25 years of age section of society, by second-fiddle celebrations I'm zoning in on the like of Halloween, Bonfire Night, Pancake Day, Paddy's Night (as we're not in Ireland) April Fools, Harvest Festival, Cheese Rolling, Crufts and fucking Eurovision.

But the one that has particularly rubbed me funny today is that Valentines Day has quite obviously started to rear its pink, glittery sweet as kitten fart head into my cross hairs.

Now when I was in my late teens and early twenties it was about too but apart from diving into a lavishly decorated Clinton's to pick up witty/rude card and a quick dash to Thornton's to pick up a heart shaped box of their continental selection oh and some Esso flowers also to let my beloved know that:

a) I hadn't forgotten
AND
b) see if she'd do some eye watering tricks in the chariot after a couple of bottles of cheap asti, that was about it............ doesn't seem that way any more though.

I happen to work in retail now, which affords me a lot more time on the general high street that I have ever spent in my life before so that is why I think I notice the level of consumer led idle idiocy that goes into these bag of wank celebrations. Whilst having bobbed out for some lunch this afternoon I managed to happen across a pleasant, revoltingly ugly young couple staring into the window of the local branch of Brighthouse shite credit emporium like it held the answer to life on earth. They were also hugging the bejaysus out of each other with such vigour I thought they were trying to burst each others spleens. Now because I am a right nosey fucker I couldn't resist doing a bit of reconnaissance to see what this was all about so lit a cigarette and sidled up close by so I could both hear their conversation whilst pretending to be in awe at all the life solutions purveyed by  the Brighthouse window.

Well everyone by doing this I found out the meaning of true love.

Was it spiritual enlightenment............................. NO

Was it being on such a level with your bird that you communicate with thought.... NO

Was it partnered with blissful happiness.......... Don't be fucking daft.

No everybody it was pure and simple and you'll kick yourselves for not getting it..... :

A pair of GHD hair straighteners and a Sanyo Blue-Ray player with a selection of 20 films, both purchased on the never never at 2197% APR............................. brings a tear to my eye even now.

I started thinking about this again after seeing on the news that a couple had their wedding reception at a McDonald's somewhere or other. That's not funny or kitch, that's just shows people as being the scumbags they really are. Bet they had hair straighteners and a blue ray player on their wedding list too......................THE SCUMMY TWATS.

WELL IT STARTS HERE

Well good afternoon all.

Here we are, day 1 one of my first ever blog. I'm not too sure as to why I'm doing this possibly boredom as it is mid February, the weather's a bit shit and all my friends are either busy, at work  or not living in Britain any more so I cant waste the day in the boozer with what I'm probably going to write here falling out of my mouth!

Nor at this point do I know what or how often ill post, to be quite frank I reckon it'll be fairly regularly as I don't often get through a day without something generally amazing me and leaving me truly gobsmacked, making me cringe so much i almost implode or just simply annoying the fuck out of me.

Now don't get me wrong this wont be a, "Oh woe me," affair or a winge about how life is turd, I've had a wonderful life up to now done tons of stuff, had a successful business, reasonably well off and had a right laugh along the way and I'll share a some of those stories with you too, and few them will make you piss your pants and turn you pale too! its more about things that I encounter on an ever increasing frequency that make me stop, scratch my head and say.......... FUCKIN' WHAT ????????

So That's it........... an introduction...... and to be fair after reading back through it a pretty bland one too, problem is im kind of watching something pretty dull on telly and I've nowt to report as I haven't left the house yet today. In saying that though that's all going to change in a mo as I'm am about to go out and indulge myself in a visit to a big Asda at rush hour which ive been putting off all day but I've run out of fags and tea bags so I cant fight the draw of the premier retailer any more. Might even top it off with a stroll into Argos while im there to look at the mellee of tramp chav kids revising using their favourite text book the Argos catalogue in readiness for their Christmas exam of royally getting up Mum and Dads arse!


Godspeed All