YOGHURT WEAVING BASKET EATING PROTESTING PRICKS!!!!

Well I'm feeling unnaturally upbeat as I type this!..... I've been feeling like this for a good week or so now and I can't really understand why? Nothings particularly changed in my life to warrant this, haven't got a smashing new bird who looks like Penelope Cruz who laughs at everything I say plus thinks I'm fantastic in the chariot, which I obviously am. And haven't won the lottery either, in fact I've just has to fork out a boot full of cash for something I deem unnecessary and childish and not in certain terms as I'd deem my responsibility. Neither have I found a lucky penny on the street or found a four leaf clover and the weathers been shit too so why all this good fervour? 

Well fuck knows might be something to with the fact that I'm slightly deaf so I no longer pick up on conversations that make my piss boil. Or the fact the weed killer I put on my garden weeks ago that just seemed to fertilise the little bastards seemed to had worked over night all of a sudden and now my gardens look a little less like a pikey campsite. I even have a horrible cold at the minute which has exacerbated my deafness but I've been having some really triumphant nose blows, you know the ones that take two or three MAN SIZE tissues to properly clear the pipes which instead of just making me feel urgh has just made me feel even more manly than I already am! 

Well not fighting it anyway I feel great, possibly could this be the end of me being a coal hearted misanthrope looking for disappointment and idiocy at the end of every journey? Well no. I will start taking things at face value a little more but the misanthrope part that's all tied in to being a Bastard, and don't worry readers I'm still a MASSIVE BASTARD, not in a wrong way just to dick heads, bell ends, arseholes, pricks, tit's, mongs, mongspacks, twats, massive twats, idiots, spackers, gobshites, gurriers, cocks, belmers, shitbags, shits, charvers, neds, cunts, pricks............... and anyone who falls under the umbrella that "Gets on my fuckin' nerves."

Anyway that aside was talking to me Pals Dad this week and he was telling me of an incident that had happened a few days before with an old friend of his he used to work in the fire service years ago that is now a contractor down in Sellafield. It happened over in Whitehaven which has a lovely harbour, I think he has a boat there or something. So he was in the town centre with his his wife and the hippy dicks from GreenPeace were having a demonstration there about... well?... really what?... well they were protesting about what bastards everyone in the universe is for having a nuclear power station in Cumbria. Now he took exception at this mainly because it made his access to Boots a little tricky to pick up his prescription plus it was interspersed with charity muggers too which, well, get on everybody's tits. This man is one of the most placid fellas you can meet but all this inconvenience really made his red mist rise and then his wife was knocked on the head by some tits placard and he just thought, "Fuck this," and fought his way through the melle of people and protesters and chuggers to a table with three mature ladies sat at it that with files and petitions that looked like they were in charge. The conversation went like this..... Now bear in mind this is an exchange is between a man in his sixties ans a woman of the same age.

MAN "You know what you lot make me sick my wife has been injured in this shit protest."

LADY "No I don't think you unders................"

MAN "Don't you dare tell me what I do and do not understand you uphanded.........."

LADY "No no no were not here to..........................."

MAN "Do not interrupt me I am here for a nice day with my wife and have to suffer all you lazy hippy jobless bastards protesting about shite you don't even know about, well let me tell you something I work at Sellafield and I make electricity for this County and this Country. Its clean and its cheap and it's misguided idiots like you lot that have driven this country into the ground. If you spent the time you waste doing rubbish like this and doing something productive like working maybe we wouldn't be in the state were in. So what's left after this then eh? You going to cause a fracas over the wind farms eh?

LADY "......................" (speechless)

MAN "You lot make me sick. Why don't all of you just FUCK OFF." (yelled at the top of his voice)

So he strolled off at this point feeling a bit full of himself but also concerned to get back to his wife after her injury. But as a final victory slam he turned back to give the now shocked woman he de-based the dead eye, but as he cast his eye on the banner above the table he was greeted with a HELP THE AGED logo and not the GreenPeace one!...................... he grabbed his Missus and fucked off.

I liked this and probably found it funnier than anyone else but only because when I was working for Britvic about five or so years ago I was stuck in the middle of one of these protests, there seem to be a few there for some reason, in my car that was filled to the brim with Pepsi on a very hot June afternoon and was panicking a bit in case it got too hot and went of like a sugary atomic bomb. So all the smelly dreadlocked crusty pricks started going from car to get people to sign some petition. So I get a knock on me window.

ME "Yeah............. What?"

BALDRICK "Do you know 'cos of pollution and stuff this part of the country is going to be under water in 10 years time sign this petition to st................."

ME "FUUUUUCIN' WHAT? what's the and stuff shite for Christ's sake you prick? are you lot going to move I need to get to fuck."

BALDRICK "This is serious Man this is happening and it needs to be stopped right now."

ME "So you smelly fucker You're telling me that this place is going to be under water in a few years time?"

BALDRICK "Serious Man it's happening, the people round here are submerged it's terrible"

ME "Is it fuck you idiot, you obviously don't know anyone round here, they'll be over the moon if that happens as it'll finally give them something to do with their webbed hands and feet, now hurry up and fuck off before me car blows up."

BALDRICK "Will you sign thi............"

ME "PISS OFF"

I just don't understand protesting as it has no ultimate end. It's fucking pointless its like talking about having a fight with the biggest cunt in school without actually having a fight and them feeling triumphant at the end as he looks at you like the idiot you are. ie.

"FIGHT THE POWER FIGHT THE POWER bring the oppressors down."

"How we going to do it?"

"Were going to have a peaceful sit down protest outside a Gregg's in a nondescript English Town."

"How's that going to do anything?"

"It just will right don't question just do it we're an ACTION GROUP."

See! Pointless they can all just fuck off the WANKERS.

So I'm still upbeat anyway. I'M HAVING CHIPS FOR ME TEA TONIGHT, WHAT YOU HAVING?

LATERS YEAH!

COR IT'S BEEN A WEEK WHERE'S THE SODDING TIME GO???

What a week All, first off some more tattoos.

Yeah its is again a bit bloody and fresh in that photo there's only red ink in the top bits and not finished too but again I'm over the moon with it and massive thanks to Ollie too thoroughly enjoyed getting done, now I'm on a mission to get a smashing Koi done on the other side of my arm to keep it company.

Porkchop the Jack Russel decided against getting an effigy of Dave Ghahn on his chest and to be honest I don't blame him.

Anyway after I got that done which is quite big and took about three hours I felt a bit battered and bruised and all I wanted to do was go home and have a bath and a beer and have big Chinese, but as I left Ol's I reached in my pocket to get my keys to find nothing in there. BAAAASTARD! I was locked the fuck out. I haven't been locked out me house since I was about fourteen and was absolutely beside me'self and wondered what to do? Anyway texted and rang me mate Chris who I work with who had just moved round the corner and he let me stay, I don't think he knows how appreciative I was as when I eventually found his house His wife Becky met us at the door I like to think I was really matter of fact thanking her for taking me in on this cold and rainy night but to be honest I really felt like a war wounded fighter pilot that had just found a farm house somewhere in Northern France in 1942 and was taken pity on by the resistance I was physically and mentally exhausted, think I did me best to make conversation and have a drink but if I hadn't have been taken in I think I would have died from me crashing my Spitfire!

Anyway had left me keys in work and it served right for trying to be a smart arse before I left.

Hey is was Radio 1's Big Weekend in Carlisle this weekend. It went very well............ well apparently as I didn't get any tickets. But everyone I know who went said it was Ace and it was nice to see everybody walking the streets today for their first day back in work looking a little bemused like they'd done something wrong............ which they probably had!

I went out on Saturday night and it was good. I didn't mean to, I went to work expecting it to be dead with plans to go home and have a bath, a beer and a big Chinese............can you see a pattern starting here? But it wasn't. it was mental in work. Mad in the Heeeed busy. About halfway through the day one of my friends suggests an evening round at his and we all conceded that we'd attend and as the day drew to a close it was planned with military precision. We'll give you a lift from there, nip to TESCO get beer and food pick you up at X then go to X pick up X and then we'll go to X. Yeah OK then!

It went to plan plus I got to try a few jackets at home in the mean time, didn't want to get dressed up too Fly as I would eventually want to sidle off home without any attention, preferably after I'd tried to understand what Britain's Got Talent was all about like Fred Dibnah trying to understand how a steam engine worked. But the night went a bit mental loads of drink and stuff then I found myself journeying into town rather than turning right and going home.

The whole remembrance of it all is a bit hazy to be true but at what I called the end of the night which I reckon was about 3am...........it was 3am I looked at my watch, I was just really impressed with myself that I was standing upright after no word of a lie 15 bottles of Stella plus a few pints on top that for good measure, usually after that amount I'd be in a Weatherspoons somewhere falling asleep on the fitted seating whilst filling my own pants with piss. I looked around the Victoria arcade and suddenly felt very old and very straight. I kind of reeled up looking for inspiration for what to do next and just thought, "You know what I'm going home," seriously. I'd have got more inspiration by staring up a cats bum. At least you could have tried to shove a tea towel up it. I just fucked off home.

Hey anyway after talking to my little lezzer pal today she was looking for somewhere to send a package. I was very inquisitive when I heared this as she's supposed to be a big bad lesbian. Well she isn't. She's very demure and one of the loveliest people you'll ever meet but she was buying this.

FUCKIN' WOW!

Well it's not coming to my house but it doesn't matter as she's cancelled the Internet order and got one from a local sex shop in Carlisle. Great eh?  So the WOW above is mainly because why do you want to strap a cock on??? Why not just have a cock? but hey! we'll never know but I can't help feeling sorry for the receiver as all there will be is an angry plastic chap jabbing at some sensitive lady bits while the buckles bruise the hips of the giver............. No wonder they dislike chaps?????? 

Anyway I'm writing a book........... well two to be frank. The first is a horror that I started to write when I was  fourteen and got through 15 chapters and Ive kept them in word doc form for nearly 20 years, well no I haven't at all I re-wrote it in 2005 and not looked at it since, good job really I looked at it the other night and was a bit shocked it's darker than I could ever be now it's a touch James Herbert with a punch of massive bastard. The other I started in February it's a bit of a memoirs thing with a bit of fiction thrown in, maybe the decisions I should have taken and stuff, will post chapters on here when I find how to do it.

MASSIVE MASSIVES ALL

See Ya YEAH!!!

AND ANOTHER

Just follow the link http://www.brianmung.com/myra.htm its about Myra Hindley in space, dark again but I don't care! Its too wring to put on youtube so hence the link





ENJOY.

WWW.BRIANMUNG.COM CHECK THIS. A SNEEZY WANK

Brilliant again please go to the site it's www.brianmung.com I've chuckled sine 2003 because of it. It's all mostly flash animation so if you own a Mac you may not be able to view it as your a big fuckin' heeermerfuckinsexyal as they say in Newcastle and surrounding areas with a white computer, either that or your involved in design in some way then you get out of gay association scott free!. Dog still makes me feel quite good. Go watch!

SEEYE!

AND THIS!!

Very dark but very  funny!

HA HA HA HA HA !!!!! THIS MADE ME PROPER WEE!!!

CLICK ON SOME ADVERTS EVERYONE

Please click on some adverts everyone. You'll enjoy yourself!!

A PROPER WEEK. TATTOOS AND EXCITEMENT IN THE CITY!

YEAH YAAAA'LL

Guess what? I'm in a good mood, doesn't happen very often so I'm expecting a letter from the Queen quite soon!

Why am I in a good mood?........ Well one of the main reasons being is that I havn't had to suffer another pissing Bank Holiday, they're not bad if you work in a bank but if you work like me I've been continually confused over the last couple of weeks about what time to get up, what should I wear?........... Am I working today???? 

Anyway got through all that by just getting pissed every night and getting up at normal time and if I flick on the telly and if there's kids TV on I get to have three extra hours in bed!................. FUCKIN' YAAAAAY, minor triumph I know but it worked for me!

I like this getting pissed a lot thing......... a lot! It's very sociable, I'm enjoying a pint of Guinness as I chat to you now, jabbing at my keyboard like pikey jabs at a dead dog on the side of the road with a pointy stick wondering if it's safe to eat and to see if it's still warm as if it is he'll more than likely stick his cock in it.... saying that it'll save his kids bums when he gets home if he does. I have always loved a pint after work as it seems to knock a nail into the head of the day its a routine of relaxation!

I blame it on the weather, as I've said before I used to be a Winter person but the sun delights me more than ever now and the big dramatic thunder storm last night just got my juices running even further and at the minute it feels like Summer already and I feel like I want to make the most of it as it'll soon be winter again and the days will draw down to the length of a depressed mans sigh. But........... as there's always a but, I was wandering home last night a bit bemused by the amount of young lads all cocky and dressed in their Burtons finery's all smoking about the town fluffing their feathers and pushing their chests out. It was almost like watching a collection of Peacocks!

Well I say Peacocks, well like a Peacock that's had it's brain removed and then replaced with a massive ball of shit...............so cocks then! there is a reason for this but I'll get to that later.

Hey NEW TATTOO!

Yeah its a bit bloody and twisted in that pic but I'm over the moon with it, and in the way it was done too. Usually all my tattoos have been done by some over artsy prick that's thrown us about like a rag doll while making some shit promise that I'll buy some of their tawdry artwork that's limply hung on the walls and then running off after its done with no intention of buying said artwork but still feeling guilty about it. I always found it a bit like having a one night stand and nipping off to the shop in the morning to get some fags and breakfast after having a snog and hug and telling her how wonderful the night was................ and just going home.

But this was great, done by an old friend at his house, few beers, good crack and really relaxed. How it should be done. What made me even happier was the fact his little boy so proud of his Dads work he was trying to emulate it by cracking out his Crayola felt pens and inking the family dog Porkchop.

I think its a long stemmed rose in purple, from the new romantics flash book from 1984, there was some green and yellow in it too, looked good, Porkchop was proud, I couldn't get a piccy of his hind leg but it looked like it had a signature on it! Anyway it did make me hoot with joy that.

Its almost made me get some motivation to start off a chain of really relaxed  tattoo shops that are coffee shops and bars aswell that don't have that tattoo shop closed shop attitude they seem to have where you can come have a chill and a drink view some designs and drop in for a tattoo. It's a much more enjoyable experience. Call the coffee shop variants Toffee........ (tattoo+coffee)... bit gay that but if it's on that has a bar I can call it Twatted............ (speaks for its self that one).

Anyway for you info the dog didn't touch that keema nan, not when I was there anyway, Good Dog! He's having his teds off next week as birthday prezzie. Even gooder dog! 

Anyway getting a most remarkable Sugar Skull done Wednesday which I'm really looking forward to and I think Porkchop's getting a portrait of Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode on his chest as well.

Right there's excitement in the City at the moment as Radio 1's Big Weekend is here. Now this has caused a feverish buzz by attracting people that don't usually go out..... out. You know the sorts theres two types the first being the ones that only get released to the streets on 3 days a year and those being a Birthday, an anniversary and the works Xmas do...... I find them particularly insufferable to be honest. And the second being those that are usually a couple, that briefly treat themselves with a one week flourish on the town after holiday to show off their tans and talk about how good their all inclusive in Fuengirola was, which is really just new millenia version of a cheese and wine party and slide show from the fucking early eighties which everyone hated anyway!, well their getting in even deeper too. So theres just a bunch of spastic cocks out! 

Now I'm quite buzzed as Foo Fighters are here, not going to see them as I didn't get tickets but I'm proud of this town that I have made my surrogate home and it maps it a bit more to the point where it should be. Plus I've seen the Foo's before. Now I have met "Famous" before and they're cool on the whole apart from Roy Walker who is a fucking dick, and I know "Famous" people but they are classed as friends so I don't get star struck and never have . But I'm a bit troubled by how stupid everyones gone by the fact there's a few A and B and C and on the whole C listers arriving in town??? but hey that's just me Hey?

But you might like this though while walking home was looking at the A boards for the local rag the Carlisle Meh! which displayed the headline "VERNON KAY ENJOYS A SATURDAY IN CARLISLE"..... Yeah?....... like its strange? He enjoyed Facebook till he got caught I might just rename him the Bolton Buggerer and have done!

Then, a group of Botcherbys finest, looking a little more dressed up than usual, all their tubbiness strapped in by Primark leggings and a jumper over the top with loads of gold on a bit like you'd see Jewish wives wear in Cheshire in the 80's. All 8.......10......7........ don't know how many there were, they were all a bit fat. I think there were five of em but if decided by weight it could have been the entire of the All Blacks team. They were talking to the bird at the shop who was outside having a fag and  the convo went like this.

"Where y'off teh"

"Where off to find Vernon Kay and fuck him like" (they all cheer)

"You won't find him he's not out" (how the fuck does she know?)

"He fuckin' is when he see's us" (he fucking won't)

"He's in Daltson Hall" (not for long if he sees you lot)

"AArrgh we gan town" (enjoy!)

"Chris Moyles is out tonight in town." (speechless)

"Aye we'll fuck him then.....HEEEEEEEEEAAAAY" (..............yeah?)

Then they all just strolled into the Magpie while chanting about fucking Chris Moyles and scattering swear words about like rice at a hippie wedding. I bet they don't make it into town and just end up getting fucked in a skip outside the Maggie by some old bloke who unbeknownst to either of them is actually their father.

Hope they enjoy it YEAH! 

WORD everones!!!

INFORMATION VIDEO 001

Just watch this it's made me hoot with joy!

Not much to report today been doing the garden and looking for black boots and linen trousers on e-bay all of which have been joyless.

But I did buy the new Beastie Boys album which has cheered me up no end and I suggest you all buy it, its that good it it'll make you popular. If you don't own it you will turn gay... you will. And if your already gay you'll turn into the gay you don't want to be ie. David Furnish who at this minute is tyring to breast feed a freshly bought baby from his milkless man tits whilst getting dry bummed my a baldy wig wearing OAP wearing rose tinted glasses.

Any how you can listen to it here first for free http://hotsaucecommittee.com/ .......good eh!

Right Show Girls has just started so I'm gonna watch that I've been busting to see Elizabeth Berkleys tits since Saved By The Bell in 1989, I have seen it before but I iether get sent to bed or fall asleep before the pool scene.......................................... Don't get me started on Sweet Valley High!

Right I'm off  I'm tired and a bit pissed plus I blew nose that hard today it fucked a nerve in my neck so I keep falling over when I look to the right.

SAFE AS FUCK EVERYONE

..............PEACE!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK ME WHAT DAY IS IT???????????? I'M CONFUSED

My God what day is it, think it's Mond............ no it's Sunda................ no it's awwww fuckit who cares! My Christ what been going on?

Sorry Kids but I'm a bit confused as to what has happened over the last week, there's been loads of holidays and a wedding. Now I like most of the country have spent most of it pissed, generally unintentionally, but really for the main reason I have truly lost track of the days! I've worked pretty much most of it but is has been quiet and only due to the general public not knowing what's happening either!

Last time I came across a flurry of public holidays like this I lived in Germany they have 17 of them plus the local ones and that's only 'cos they're the laziest nation on earth and have more public holidays than every other nation on the planet and it was probably only to secretly celebrate killing off a load of Jews in the 40's

But I'm a bit lost but thank fuck I'm off tomorrow, might do the garden again if I can be arsed. But hey! look whats happened this week a Royal wedding and a massive Bastard was killed.  I have to hand to the Yanks they got Obama Bin A Bastard, its about time though. I take me hat off to them but can I get my time back when Me and Me spar got stuck on an American airbase for 24 hours when 9/11  happened in the first place. I'll send them an invoice and see what happens eh?

So Obama Bin Ladens dead............. It's amazing what the Americans can do when the Playstation networks down, could you imagine if XBOX live went down too? Maddie McCann would have popped out of is chest like something out of ALIEN!!!

I'm Tired and had enough

Word................ Yeah

FUCKIN DOUBLE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY big up MUSHYBEES!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

VERY TALL WOMEN AND WEIRD WEEK

What a week, well a couple of weeks since I posted last, I've lost track of days it's just turned into Bank Holiday Bedlam, you can see people in the street just looking a bit confused and dressed in leisure wear pushing prams round with family they haven't seen since the wedding just thinking whats happening?........ did you invite them?...... shit it was me 4 years ago!

Anyway a few things have happened apart from the I couldn't care less wedding where I happened to see a very close friend shed a tear to Jerusalem............... yeah couldn't really appreciate his emotions, but the thing that really made me giggle was the big screen that was put up in Carlisle centre and no one watched it as every person walking past thought it was just SKY selling stuff!

Anyway, Ive  been a bit confused by the gene pool in Cumbria recently, I've had a few nights out in Cockermouth......... ha ha ha the name etc. but seriously I haven't seen a non tidy bird there? Not one of them has a crease in them. To be quite honest I really believe that's where Hitler and Mengele finished of their genetic experiments! a bit like Talllin........yeah!

Right so the other day I needed some stuff, milk or flour eggs as Ive got into baking recently, I,m not good just determined so I had to take a stroll to big TESCO, now this I always find a bit of a chore but because of the time of day I thought it would be OK, no chuggers or tit's. But saying that I always find something at the SKO that disappoints us...............I was charging me self up for a let down. But I like it that time of  day there's usually some lovely birds you can have a good old fashioned letch at. Anyhow saw this woman from afar she was in the bread aisle, thought that's a Yat I can get with I like your A-line skirt and I like the cut of your jib and your high heeled brogues I had me glasses on obviously! I'm gonna wander up to her............ didn't have to as she walked towards me...........and got taller...........taller.............bit  more...............taller again. Seriously as she went past us with a big gust of wind her arse was at my shoulder.....freak. Then popped round the corner to get some posh ice cream and was met by another 6 foot big footed tidy freak. I just went to the till then with the crying game playing in the background!

HEY I'M DEAF AND THATS OFFICIAL, I WENT TO THE DOCTORS............I'll stop shouting. after the attack by some pikey kids in November I've been having some hearing problems and after some shit (shit being old men digging around in my lugs) They told me some stuff. It made me giggle a bit!

Doc. " Hello Mr Lawton thanks for seeing us on time and seeing the specialist"

Me. "Yeah.....its not hard he stuck a dolphin in me ears and it hurt"

Doc. " It was ultimately to help you"

ME. "Yeah so when do get this op to get my ears back?

Doc. "About that unfortunately your going to lose the hearing in your right ear due to nerve damage."

ME."Eh what?"

Doc. "YOUR....GOING........TO............LOSE....THE.......HEAR..................

ME. "Yeah I'm not fucking deaf yet you idiot, I'm just a bit shocked.

Doc."Your left ear we can make brand new!"

ME. "MASSIVE"

Doc. "Your not taking this very seriously are you?"

ME."Well no, the only pleasure I have in life is music and I can only have it in mono now!"

Doc."Oh I'm so sorry"

ME." It's OK I've bought a cattle prod off e-bay to get my own back"

Doc. "How's that going to help?"

ME. "Would you want your teenage daughter getting of with a pikey?"

Doc. " Get out of my office."

ME. "Its a pleasure you shit!"

Yeah so Ive bought a cattle prod , I personally can't see problems with it but I can't really afford to burn pikeys out of the country but when I see them in the street I'll just take them down an alley on the promise of a good horse tip.............. drop em with the prod...... then stamp all over them. 

YEAH!!!!! .................... DROP WITH THE PROD.......DROP EM WITH THE PROD!