Well sorry Folks it has been a few weeks since my last post and to be honest Id like to say its because Ive been really busy in my high flying lifestyle and I've had loads on but sadly its not the reason, mainly because I havn't been at all busy and I'm not a high flyer. In fact I had a week off which I had loads planned for but after a heavy weekend spent it locked indoors with the blinds down only donning my top hat cape and false moustache to pop to the shop to get more flavours of booze and fags to indulge in the Olympic sport of the unemployed of getting pissed as a shit during the day and replaying games on the PS3 till you cant see anymore!
Probably this is the main reason, I've nothing to write about, as I've not been on the mean streets or watching telly there has been nothing to wind me up or make my jaw drop! So after a week of been back in work getting into the swing of things there last night I thought I'll flick the box on catch up on the latest guff that's going on since my almost muslimesque media blackout. And fuck me what a week its been, I had to limit myself to those 60 second jobs on BBC3 watching channel 4 news was too much to take in I started to feel like Johnny Mnemonic getting lumps of shock horror data thrown at me by the TV screen like lumps of shit thrown at visitors at Chester Zoo by Avon the chimpanzee. keeping off the news now or otherwise I'll just refer to my telly as That evil malicious flickering bastard!
Any way after all that's gone on this week the only stories I remember are, Bessie Cooper got named the worlds oldest woman at 114 and a half; why the half part of her age was mentioned is beyond me as I thought that topped being of any importance when you were 7. Fuck me she was old mind, not even sprightly she actually looked a bit like she'd been preserved face down in vinegar for the past 100 years even her own son looked a bit uneasy giving her a kiss for the press photo in case a bit fell off. Can't walk, can't speak, plumbed into a load of drips as she cant eat or piss for herself, just propped up in the obligatory flowery draylon armchair with loads of rubber mats around her in case she leaks................ what a fuckin' awful life, the only reason she's not dead is because she can't get up to jam her catheter in the plug socket.
Libya.............. Unrest...........Gadaffi madder than a bag of cat's................ UK and US and a peripheral of other countries sticking their nose in............... will end in a war.......... US gets control of oil. Now I struggled a bit with this and thought it must have been a slow news day. I struggle to see what is news here. Libya's always been a melting pot of shite, the super powers et-al have always hovered around the edges and Gadaffi has always been SUPER NUTS. He's mental but has been since I've been a kid when I had to do a report on the news for prep school in 1983. He used to hang around with his big mate Idi Amin who was the biggest fuckin' fruitcake in history causing menial bits of trouble around the world always keeping the big kids sweet like primary school bullies with an older brother in the year above. I don't know how true this is but apparently Amin sent the prime minister a Christmas card saying "Seasons Beatings" shortly before slaughtering half a million Ugandans...... mad cunt........... a foot note here too apparently Amin also fucked Gadiffi's 14 year old daughter too and to be honest that would send me a bit batty for life an all......................... funny you don't see Gadaffi's daughter now days.
Obviously the biggest story of the week was Japan. now this particularly intrigued me as I first heard about it as the news reports came in. A couple of nights before I was listening to talksport radio late at night and in between listening to someone trying to make a case that it would be socially acceptable for Gary Glitter to release a greatest hits album on the ludicrous premise that he's not a nonce anymore and all rock stars have a past?????????? eh what? yeah mate, not all rock stars stick their cocks in 4 year old Vietnamese kids either....Twat. But some mad witch rang in from Blackburn going on about a Super Moon, as on the 19th of March the moon was going to be at its closest to the earth and this was going to cause disasters and petulance and the last time the moon was this close to earth was in 2005 shortly before the last tsunami. Christ 2 days later bang goes Japan, now obviously this is a huge atrocity but all I can think about is how much I'd have won if I'd have chucked a tenner on it at Ladbrookes....... Hindsight a wonderful thing there. But sodding hell did you see that power plant explode? It just went FFFFUUUUCCKIING BAAAAAAAAAAANG you could see the shock wave come off the top! Do you reckon if the coast guard catch a little Nip sliding into Felixstowe on a floating door he'll say he was working at the plant when it went bang rather than saying he was an illegal!
So theresGadaffi's still mad in the head' Asia's all fucked up and instead of exporting electronics they'll be exporting people instead. Oh and for some reason old people still make the news................... absolutely no change!
Anyway on a brighter note I have had an idea that can only be described as genius. I am a lover of all animals, big or small, hairy or hairless. But up until now I have always had a bit of a sticking point with cats, they are either too affectionate or just nasty bastards that just suck up attention or food and as far as I see it the only animal that you don't keep in a cage that you actively encourage to piss and shit in a box in your house, plus your missus always like them better than you and I'm allergic to them. To be quite frank Id rather hit one with a spade than stroke it. But the other day I happened across an article about Down's Syndrome cats and how close the affliction is the the human one came across a few photo's too and it hit me...... Why not actively breed these! Think about it they look charming ( Charmong is the name of the breed I'll market, ) they'll be very intelligent, needy and want loved and all they require is feeding and a massive hug all the time. Its the perfect pet!!!!
Right I'm off to the cat sanctuary to pick up a couple of middle age cats and get them to fuck like billy-o and get this act up and running!
This time next year Rodders we'll be millionaires...................... See Ya!
