CHRISTMAS BASTARDS!!

Well it's nearly here, that time of year that a lot of people hate but I truly love, it's Christmas again, fuckin' YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. I'm really quite giddy about this year too as last year I pretty much missed as I felt like shit and was recovering from a right good kicking and was filled with vile rage and revenge against all pikeys. So two weeks today we'll all be stuffed, pissed, tired, probably have fell out with someone and or asleep. It'll all be over all those weeks of preparation and expense finished for another year and it always seems when people actually hit that point that is when they actually seem to start enjoying themselves. See I always like to enjoy a stroll on Christmas day, well early evening about 5 or 6, nothing too strenuous just to get some air, wake up a bit, level off the days energetic boozing and enjoy the silence as you never seem to get any traffic or day noise at that time on Christmas day. But if you listen closely through the silence, as the clock strikes 6.30, you can hear the entire nation breathe an exasperated sigh of relief .

But watch out as this next couple of weeks your going to see usually mild mannered people turn into raving fucking loonies and utter bastards at the drop of a hat. Can be for any reason, screaming kids, everywheres too busy, spending money they can ill afford, pissed off they can't have the same amount of time off as their kids or just sick to death that they can't for the life of them understand Christmas anymore as all the TV and media consists of is the fucking x-factor and supermarket endorsed festive cooking programmes. When I was growing up Christmas specials started at the beginning of December and they were a real extravaganza they made this feel like a special time and the programme idents used to have Christmas trees and Father Christmas on and shit, just having a flick round now and you wouldn't even know its just mere days till Christmas there's some blue and white abstract shite that comes on between the programmes on BBC 2 that's been obviously thrown together by some digital design tit while he's wanking over his Macbook Pro with a black, unlit Christmas tree in the background.

Even the Father Christmas' are being bastards too. Now the older I get the more I feel that taking your child to see a fat man that smells of booze dressed in red velvet at your nearest high brow department store, plopping them on his unknown lap for a few minutes while he whispers lies into their ear is intrinsically very wrong on many levels mainly as kids now have no belief in Father Christmas shortly after their off the teat. You may as well just sit them on a plushy Argos catalogue with a tape recorder in it. But I was chatting to my friend the other day and she was telling me she had taken her little one to see one, the conversation between them both went like this :-

Father Christmas  "So do you like trains?"

Kiddie "Yes I like Thomas The Tank Engine"

Father Christmas "Oh good, and where do you keep them are they tidy?"

Kiddie "Nowhere they are all on the floor"

Father Christmas "Oh? Do you not have a holder to keep them in?"

Kiddie "No they are on the floor."

Father Christmas "Well this year I'm going to bring you a Thomas The Tank train tidy to keep them in."

Kiddie "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Now my Mate heard this and kind of groaned inwardly as her littlun excitedly told her what Father Christmas was bringing him, mainly as it was something else she hadn't budgeted for. But it gets better this, after looking for one it turns out they don't fucking exist even Argos don't sell one and as everyone knows if they don't sell it it probably only exists the mind of someone that's clinically insane and a murderer....... What an utter Bastard! But this gets me thinking what else did he promise that day that doesn't exist just to tip already fragile parents over the edge while they search for something that might as well be the Holy Grail!

I think they all meet in the pub after a hard days Christmassing and use their false promises as a points system to see who gets the first round? " And George is tonight clear winner he promised, 2 unicorns, the flying giant dog from Never Ending Story, a horse to a little girl who lives in a council flat an Optimus Prime pedal car that you can actually get in and turns into a robot and and his tour de force  a Thomas The Tank Engine train tidy. Lets give him a big hand everyone!"

So just watch yourselves out there for the next couple of weeks folks it's going to be a bit mental. I've just had a thought actually back in 1984 my Uncle Graham promised me an A-Team van pedal car that you could get in and drive............ Never got one, and like a dick every Christmas I look for one, just had a quick look now and they still don't exist, not one you can get in anyway. 

A child's mind is a fragile thing, that one impossible promise has led to 27 years of disappointment, can't wait for next year that'll make 28!

JINGLE BELLS YEAH!

RIGHT A 1 MONTH OLD BABY HAS BEEN RAPED........ ITS ABOUT TIME WE TOOK IT INTO OUR OWN HANDS.

Right no laughs on this one something is in the headlines at the moment that I have found really disgusting and quite harrowing and made me feel quite violent too.

Now Picture this if you have a new bundle of joy in your arms as you read this.......... actually it doesn't matter if your sat reading this at 11.30 at night a bit tetchy as your 17 year year old  son or daughter is a bit late back and hasn't taken the bins out. A 1 month old baby has been RAPED........... FUCKIN' RAPED and also beaten, the latter could possibly happened during the act itself as while the little lad was............. aaaaaaargh.

There's Noncery and there's Noncery but this is the worst form of human degradation I've ever heard of and I'm sorry but I've had enough of this now and it's about time that we as the public take things into our own hands. The problem we have is that these murdering nonce cuntbags will essentially get charged for this get prison and be protected. They shouldn't be they should be simply be clipped and put in a hole.

That's where our society has gone wrong. The way I see it crime has a reason, if your a thief you need money, a drug dealer you are satisfying a social itch and a murderer there is a reason. There is a reason a gain and an end. But in our society there seems to have a legacy of if you do something wrong your not bad you just need a pat on the back a spot of councilling and you'll be fine. That's fuckin' rubbish it doesn't work. Noncery doesn't have a reason like most crime I cant understand it it's just foul. There is however a difference between putting a young lad who's 16 on the sex offenders register for sleeping with his 15 year old girlfriend on a voyage of disappointment and discovery to some dirty cunt fucking a baby or most of the US Senate.

I was told about something by a friend of mine a couple of years ago about children being bred in the UK for sex. It was about 2 years ago and I was shocked I remember it really clearly as we were passing between junction 43 and 42 on the M6 at the time and I went home got on the Internet and had a bit of a cry as it was not proved but suggested and possibly happening. Disgusts me.

So what makes a person want to fuck a kid? I really don't know? I have some weird shit rolls through my mind at times but I have never woke up and thought,"You know what today I'd like to plunge my cock into a small child." I can't understand it and you cant train someones tastes to it which makes me think is it a genetic thing? It cant be something like an S&M thing where as your Mum was a prick you like to have an Amazonian bird clip one of your bollocks off while having a shit on you while you wear a gas mask and wanks you off.......... That's psychological and a bit odd!

Before you think this is a cough against all things against the law it isn't. I've been involved in things that would probably make you turn pale, been shot twice.........yeah didn't hurt. But it's against the things the law isn't doing for us, see I really don't care if I live or die as I've done all the things in my live I want to do..... Nearly but if I play a part in stopping the utter foul shit that this post is about about I'll die content.

This has to stop and it has to stop now and if the police can't do it we have to do it. I am going to do my best to start a sensible nationwide vigilante group to take action. The above picture will be the membership emblem...........it's going on my elbow as its the last thing a noncer will see before it get KTFO.

GET INVOLVED YEAH!

SWEARING YEAH.................................. IS IT BECOMING THE VERBAL EQUIVALENT OF WHITE DOGSHIT???

Yea Y'all....... I've been noticing something over the last few months that has started to get me a little startled, its something that you probably don't care about but I'm finding as the, "Younger" generation is starting to mature the everyday occurrence of swearing is starting to lose its edge a bit.

Now don't get me wrong the simple classics of Fuck, Shit, Piss, Wank and for very special occasions a Cunt have not disappeared and are used with an alarming regularity but I don't feel in the right way. Now when I swear which is a lot as I like to swear the word is used for a reason. I use a swear as an elliptical so a statement I'm about to make has some gravitas or makes it funny. Or the swears I use have some creativity involved, some thought put into them.

I've put the above photo in just to really explain the title as if anybody born after 1983 will never have seen a white dog shit. They disappeared with 7" singles and they weren't for sale in Woolworth.

Anyway back to the matter in hand, earlier on I went for a hearing test and a quote to get a hearing aid and before you start with me being an old fucker I'm only 36 and this was caused my nearly getting killed to death by a group of pikeys this time last year. They syringed my ears and did a test and to get something that doesn't look like a Lilliputian's prosthetic limb attached to the side of of my face might not be too expensive... and work too!

So when I came out of there my hearing was a touch crisper than usual and happened across a conversation that I'd usually walk off on but heard it and it was two kids of about 17 just talking in swear? I'm not going to annotate the conversation but every other word was a fuck or a shit and while unpleasant it just didn't make any sense. Even when I was that age I looked for swears that were at least funny. I used to look for a creation in swear which made sense and made people laugh things like Cock Piss or Fanny Badger or even Porch Front instead of Cunt. Apple Chunk instead of Spunk and if making a racial joke Oily Cog instead of wog and Adidas Trakkie instead of paki. The previous two phrases may cause dismay but in our group of friends we had Indians, Pakinstani's, Chinese and Afro Caribbian friends who referred to us as Girly Shites (whites) or oppowogs.............. I liked that last one!

So let's keep swearing alive everyone. Swearing outlives and out dates any form of racism or exclusion and really is just to make your self feel better or put weight on something you say. But in my case just to  keep myself chipper. Lets keep swearing creative and teach the kids its not something just to say in a convo its a gleeful talent of which I like to think I am the Yoda of! So here are some of my favorite swears. 

Take note and use them!

Crotch Crickets - Crabs

Dutch Tea Break - Having a wank

Shake The Bishops Hand - Having a wank

Farmers Protest - The massive shits usually while on the phone to the bank

Cotton Bullet - Jam Rag

Norman Cook - your explainable story of refreshment that  made a "Fat bird slim"

Serpent Socket - A fanny

Terry Waite's Allotment - An untidy chuckeralla, or an old ladies one from an 80's ruffle pamphlet

Drown the chocolate slugs - Have a shite.

Indian Mustard - The shits.

Pamela Handerson - A bird you'd sherman over when they actually printed "grumble"

Rib Cushions - Tits n shirt potatoes n stuff

Stretford Confetti - Gravel or any small stones

To Have A Tooth Coming Through - Having an itchy arse

Mufflinks - When your Mrs gets a piercing down below. 

Cunt Corks - Johnnies or condoms

Pan Of Burnt Chips - an unusually attractive bird that you only get disappointed when you take the wrapping off. Yep was right happy got home took her kit off and she had the saggiest moley knockers you ever seen it was like taking the top of a pan of burnt chips.

Strangle Kojac - Have a wank, chuck on a roll or making the bald man cry

Bully's Special Prize - has the phrase "Aaaaaaaaand" in front of it while dropping some "Dogs Eggs" Your Mrs never finds this funny especially if she has friends round and watching Bridgitte Jones with her ugly friends  for the millionth time.

Scouse Tax - Theft

A Wigan Rosette - the view of the bog once you've been to Flames.

Tramp Vegas - phone boxes, parking meters and vending machines checked by the homeless for forgotten change.

Bilbo Baggins Foot. - Description of a really hairy fanny which is unnecessary nowdays. 

So keep up creativity people and lets not get funny swearing a lost talent that is only something that's found in a snug of an old pub by old men drinking mild with twigs and moss floating in it 

Christmas Joys Yeah!

SO YES........................ IT'S CHRISTMAS.............YEAH!

HAPPY START OF CHRISTMAS Y'AAL!.............. YEAH!.............. So here we are again its the start of the festive season and even though retailers on the main part will have you think Christmas starts just after Easter it doesn't. If you go by the laws of out dated baby buggering religion it starts on Christmas Eve and ends 13 days later on the 6th of January.

Well it doesn't it starts on the pay day of November and normal people then get successfully pissed as shits with alarming regularity till the start of January when their money runs out, if asked about their actions in this period they will always say, "Yeah it's Christmas." See usually I'm a right miserable bastard, but this time of year gets me giddy as billy-o. It's not anything to do with the festive period it's the fact its proper winter and it drums back memories of wrapping up warm and Halloween half term, saving up me pocket money for fireworks and circling every Scalextric set in the Argos catalogue with a marker just to leave hints to my Parents.

Now my belief in Father Christmas waned a little by the time I was about 7 as he was a complete lie. I think it stemmed from me having a really bad case of tummy flu and wandered down stairs about 3 in the morning on Christmas day seeking attention like an abandoned kitten only to find my Mum frantically wrapping a Bigtrack in the downstairs loo and when I stuck my head in the lounge there was Me Dad asleep it his M&S shortie pyjamas fast asleep with an empty glass of sherry in front of him and a half eaten mice pie on his chest and his false teeth with pie crumbs on 'em .................. In his top pyjama pocket.

I went to bed confused and probably pissed the bed out of protest too! Now think of that scene 12 years later and I bring my new Mrs Cath to meet my folks at Christmas and see pretty much the same thing and get really embarrassed. And forward on a further 17 years and that's all I ever see at Dad's on Christmas Day! I think he still has the same shortie pyjamas.

So what to do with Father Christmas now? Well I think we should have him as a dour hard black man a bit like Samuel L Jackson hence the picture above and he stays around when kids get to their presents and tells them to open the mother fuckers and damn well fuckin' enjoy them even if they think they're shit.

Or you could have this

All Hail Bother Funkmass!

Just so you know I've drank three cans of dark ale while writing this and am a bit pissed!

Who cares it's CHRISTMAS YEAH!

AAARRGH GOD WHAT'S HAPPENING I'M ONLY IN MY MID TO LATE THIRTIES!

So as I sit here jabbing away on this keyboard I feel in absolute crisis. A mid thirties crisis. Not a mid life crisis I'll hopefully have that to look forward to in a bit. But at 8.30pm on a Saturday night I've just found myself choosing which jacket to wear to work tomorrow; the camo Armani or the Stussy cardigan and putting some pies in the oven for tea. After trying on the look for tomorrow in the mirror I saw my face and what looked back looked like a bloodhounds funeral.

Yeah I'm getting old but I don't really feel it I feel really youthful at the minute, plus I have bought a few jackets for the winter of which my favorite of the lot is a little neat. Now every time I put one on it brings back a little of my youth and I think people fail to see that. Then why should they?

But what does bother me is I'm sounding old, I seem to mention the weather a lot and complain about disrespectful teenagers and burr my annoyance about the increasing amount of dogshit on the pavements. I still think a can of coke costs 20p and a Mars bar the same and why is bacon so much it comes from a pig and that's a filthy animal, every time I pick up the paper the news is 15% worse than it was the day before and the flashing bastard box of lies called a telly is shouting about something else that's BAD. Is this what the end of the world feels like? It never used to bother me before and I used to shrug it away with a simple "Meh!"  but it's giving me a creeping sense of dread I can't seem to shake off.

Time for a change me thinks. First I'll hit me mate Ol up and get some more tattoo's, perhaps a portrait of Maroon 5 on me cock. Then I'm gonna start wearing some jewelery like dookie gold chain with a diamond encrusted fist on it as that's pretty street. Then I'm gonna get me a Mrs, not a dowdy winy English one. This'll be a two hit process, first I'll have it over to Venezuela, Caracas probably as it's fuckin' mental there and it's been a good number of years since I've got up to mischief in a dangerous foreign city and take it from me it really keeps you on your toes. Then pull a new bird who'll be younger than me and look like this

 *

There's method by getting a younger bird too. As I am an old dog and getting a bit tired I think about the old dog we used to have as a kid, we got worried and got a puppy to mither the shit out of it and we got another seven years out of her. So this should do the trick!

In the short term I might get a new phone, I've not long got one but it's a bit boring and I have a line up for renewal so i might go Android again, the new HTC that's endorsed by Beats by Dr Dre. I'm an arsehole for getting drawn in by things like that. 

Plus It'll probably have an app or gizmo on it that will sort out my creeping sense of dread into sort of time table of concern so it can trim things down into bite size flurries of panic instead. Because when my new bird arrives I won't really care about it and when swine flu breaks out again here (remember that one?) I'll take the Mrs and move to San Fransisco or as I like to call it The PeoplesGaypublicOfDuggerfornia. Where we'll just chill by the pool and do 80's style Duran Duran after show party lines of coke through futuristic laser straws!

HEY PRESTO!

* The girl in the picture is a famous jazz model called Gigi Spice, I don't randomly trawl the web looking for Hispanic wives. However I do suggest you google the name as she looks brilliant with fuck all on.

Laters Yeah! I'm off to book some plane tickets and buy some body armour.

SO THE UK IS A DEMOCRACY......... RIGHT?

Yeah so it's been a few weeks since I last wrote anything, but hey I've been pretty busy with stuff which has largely consisted of lying on the couch watching films and buying jackets off EBay, all of which are excellent by the way. I even bled my central heating which was absolutely wizard fun and I can't wait to do it again there was enough air in it to pop the Hindenburg and it also gave the house a beautiful musk of stagnant water with a pinch of metallic in it, it smelled like a tramps oaty choad. That smell only lasted a few hours though which was disappointing but if anyone from Glade is reading if you could get that smell and make it into Plug In you could sell it under the name of "L'eau du squat." Or put it in your Christmas range as "Excuse Grandma I Think She's Been Eating Burnt Grass Again."

So I never usually bother about politics mainly as I have no interest in it and what ever goes on never has really affected me directly. But a few things have been bothering me of late and it's generally based around local government. Now in the UK we have a number of things that I think are a fantastic, the NHS for example, people whinge about it but take it from me it is ace and I've lived in countries that don't have provision for health care and it's expensive and crap. Our armed forces....... But that's about it.

I can't bear to watch the news anymore as all it is filled with is scandal and squabbles of our confused and unwilling compressed two party Government each side of it pulling back on the promises it made in the election race on a daily basis like petulant children trying weedle out of housework after having an extended go on the PS3. Or something else about a party member that's been getting his jolly's in some botting bogs on Clapham Common or some other old shite that just makes me want to shout, " FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK OFF," at the screen continually until I get bored then go out and do it at passing cars.

Democracy is generally defined as a form of government in which all adult citizens have an equal say in the decisions that affect their lives.^[1] Ideally, this includes equal (and more or less direct) participation in the proposal, development and passage of legislation into law.^[1] It can also encompass social, economic and cultural conditions that enable the free and equal practice of political self-determination.

So back to local councils as they really are as in the wise words of Frank Gallagher, "Right Fucking Shit." And they really are, staffed by spastics, run by spastics and represented by spastics. I have an ongoing issue with my council tax, I paid too much, it was then applied to the wrong account then it was a massive pain in the arse the get put right which climaxed with me sending them a solicitors letter after a bailiff popped round to the house for non payment of said paid council tax, then I got a call a few weeks back to say the matter is in hand and some apologies but as of yet no money back.

Now it isn't this issue that bothers me any more it's the actual amount of council tax that I pay. Never noticed it before as it's just one of those things that you just pay once every few months or once a year and it's never at a time when your short either usually March or after. This year my bill was £1180.00. I've looked everywhere on Carlisle City Councils website and it doesn't give me a definitive answer of where that goes. Now I know everyone says that it goes on local amenities like parks, road sweeping, upkeep of the roads, refuse collection, the police, the fire service, parking enforcement and funeral services and graveyards.

Well that may be true at least partially, the Police and roads and the lions share of the Fire Service is funded through our income tax, road duty and other income sources and the parking enforcement now in our town has been contracted out in the most part to Pirates and Highway men and Guerrillas and other private companies. So I look back through the year and really the only thing I have have used this year is the refuse collection, I haven't been through a park or even died last time I noticed but even if I do die I have a policy that will take care of all that side of it anyway.

Now to me £1180.00 on getting my bins tipped into a wagon once a fortnight I think is a bit steep. That works out at £47.20 a visit taking into account that they only collect them 25 times a year as they get a week off at Christmas and you don't get your rubbish picked up for a month after you've consumed more in that 3 week period than at any other time of the year. That however is not taking into the account the times they haven't taken it when the lid has been slightly ajar on the wheelie bin. Or the time when I rang and asked if there was anything they could do to help me with a large amount of garden waste I had as I had cut some trees down and wouldn't fit in the bin. They said no as if it didn't fit in the bin it's classed as commercial waste but I could take it to the tip, where they turned us away as we went in a van.

Now the way I see it is if I could opt out of that altogether I could rent  a limo for £27.55 an hour once a fortnight and get that to take me to the tip and back. I could get a black stretch one and spend the journey back standing out the sunroof pretending to be a plane or just winding down the blacked out windows at traffic lights and treating pedestrians to a display of my naked genitals. But really I don't think I'll be able to opt out as we as the electing members of our democratic society are not allowed to wince on our "Promise" to pay it like our elected government are seemingly allowed to wince out of their "Promises" on a regular basis ever since they got into office.

But this isn't going to stop me from having a bit of fun with next years bill. When I get it I'll return it with a counter offer written in green crayon and in a child's writing as I deem that to be the recipients intellectual level and await the reply, then I'll carry this on for as long as I can; obviously changing the colour of crayon so it keeps it all happy and light hearted. Then when they get get really pissy send them a legal document agreeing only to pay if they can provide me with a weekly status report of where my tax payment is being spent, which I've been told you apparently can do but could be a load of bollocks but I do have a couple of months to research this.

But if they do agree to that I'd like the report to be hand delivered and written on bog roll in brown crayon.

COR! It's only 6 weeks to Christmas!


SAFE YEAH!.....................

LIFE EH?............. WELL NOW I THINK ABOUT IT IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD!

So here we are in the twilight of another year, October yeah. The nights are drawing in, it's pissing down with rain, frosts are coming, heating bills are going to go through the roof, your mortgage payments change notification will come through the post in the next couple of months........... possibly... mine always have done any way, Christmas is coming and if you work in retail it's an awful build up to a crescendo of increased targets and Christmas songs piped into your mind from now........ till mid January...... Nightmare?

Is it though?......... Well no is it bollocks, this is my favourite time of year and always has been if you went back to 1983 now you would see a big fat mess of a kid crooning over a tin of biscuits with the dogs at my feet looking a bit confused. See the tin wasn't full of biscuits...... it was... was..... full of ....... FIREWORKS.................... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Back then you could only buy fireworks during a short window of the year between October and Bonfire Night and even though they were on the whole made by Standard and pretty shit me mum used to let me spend my pocket money on one box a week and save them in a big tin....... there was and still is something magical about this even though they looked like this.

Really quite shit. There weren't that many bangs and squeals and stars in 1983 and the highlight of any home display was a rocket that just went up out of a corporation milk bottle and a the ones generally left at the end in the box that even i wasn't bothered about was a Mount Vesuvius or a Sparkle Diamond that just made me Mum go, "Ooooooooh." By the time of the evening they came out I was too off my face on treacle toffee and parkin to bother about fireworks.

Mind you I do have one memory when I was four my Grandma was round for a display but didn't like the cold so was sat inside; she must have been 80 then and we let a rocket off from a corporation milk bottle and it fell over and shot in the house and the dog chased it and we got worried about the dog. We found the dog but couldn't find Grandma all i remember seeing is this 

???

I thought the rocket had taken her to heaven. It hadn't she was having an old lady poo in the upstairs bog and she didn't like wiping her bum with avocado coloured toilet roll...... hey it was the early eighties and avocado was cool. Anyway this was the dog, she were called Penny.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh doggy!.... yeah she's dead now but she did live till she was 14 and that actually isn't a picture of her its a pic Helen the dog I had in Germany but looked the same ish! 

So back to the title of this post, I like this time of year, not for the previous but mainly as I like the cold coming in and the weather changing. I can get my coats out and wrap up warm and look foreword to Christmas..... I get really giddy! I missed this part last year as I was wandering round drawing on my face in Biro and feeling sorry for myself with a fractured skull, memory loss and deaf and full of revenge and hate after getting bounced by a bunch of pikeys for fun. But then I lost most of the year on that and feeling sorry for myself. But I had a trip to the docs a few weeks back to whinge about summit and it not often I go and it turns out I'm a bit diabetic. so fast forward a few weeks and I feel like a million quid, back to my usual self and I have started to look at my life.

Yeah everything is good and even though it's not idyllic I wouldn't do anything to change the last 4 years. I have the best friends you could wish and care for and enjoy going to work every day. Yeah I haven't got a Mrs at the minute but mind you I never seem to get that one right which is always a mixture of fate and pure idiocy but hey its something I'll work on. 

So look at you own lives you'll probably find something  you like in it and at the end of it not having a poo in a avocado bathroom in the early 80's 

Enjoy YEAH!!

A NEW DAY

Please watch the video its very nice.. Today is the tenth anniversary of the day I lost the most special person to me ever. She can never come back or ever exist again and I think about her every day and how happy she made me by smiling.

laters YEAH.

YEAH I'M A DOG YEAH!!!

Yeah..... remember in my last post I mentioned doing a jacket twirl in front of my fit Bollywood doctor, It was really awful but in the words of my good friend Lizzie, "I thought I'd let you talk to her 'cos you like 'em  foreighn."

But I am classic arsehole a slightly non English accent and brown eyes and a tan and I'll probably give you my house! This is the song that was going through my head at the time.

Saying that it been going through my head every time I've spoke to a woman since I first heard it in 1981. Sorry Lisa Isquerdo I was powered by Carl Carlton when we were playing Mummies and Daddies in my bedroom in the early 80's! 

So I might go to bed now, funk up the stairs to Pick Up The Pieces, Brick House, What Ever Happened and Got To Be Real and the above! 

What do you mean I'm not black??????............................................ Does me Mum know???...............Are you sure she did call me Desmond????

LATERS YEAH enjoy the video!

ITS AN INDIAN SUMMER!

So here we are it's October and it's 70 degrees. Everyone's going on about how unusual it is and to be brutally honest I fell for that on as well but I got a new phone and been transferring pics from it and happened across this one.

Now this does look bright and chippy but that photo was taken on October 24th last year. Now on first glance it looks a bit wintery but that's me mate Dan in the photo and it was windy so he's got a wind jammer on and the glove is a fishing glove only worn on one hand so bait or fish doesn't make you scream like a girl when you touch it. Now I took the photo and if you see me all I'm wearing is my mankini as it was 74 degrees that day hence Dan's sunglasses. Plus the vision of me in my mankini, Timberlands and sunglasses scared the fish away....................... and most of the general public for that matter............... urgh the closed mind of a mis managed modern society.

So it seems that we get an Indian summer most years but we probably don't make a song and dance about it so it's not that unusual, I really look forward to it I'll wear speedo's in a snow storm. But Is this the slow rock towards a dieing Mother Earth???  Probably and I couldn't care less as it's going to take thousands of years to fuck up completely and I plus everyone I care deeply about and their offspring which I will care about by default will be dead. So as the world is torching itself in 20 million or when ever it happens Ill be nice and deadish in the family plot listening to Moon Safari by Air in repeat by a hope powered Discman TM. Either that or I'll defrost next to Walt Disney and have to educate him that being a woman, black or Jewish doesn't make you a second class citizen.

Cor that was a cheery start eh? It was a bit dark but I'm actually really cheery at the minute, feel like a new man. Right went to the doctors on Monday last as I'd been losing weight like crikey over the last few months and usually don't like the docs as the rare times I go they they tell me what I should be doing with my life and then ask me to fix their phone! But this time was different as I saw a new doctor and she was and still is proper fit and Indian, and really Indian she sounded like one of the BT customer service agents and looked like a Bollywood star! So said I was losing a lot of weight lost about nearly 3 stone in the last 3 months and she asked me to remove my shoes and jacket and then asked me if I was doing intentionally? I said NO don't be daft as,"I''m not mad in the head," she then giggles and says she has to ask and would I mind stepping on the scales. Right now I'm now cringing myself inside out a what i did next, I took my shoes off and stood up and in one fluid action took my jacket off and spun around like Simon Le Bon in the Girls On Film video placed my jacket on the chair with the label showing and said, " So you want me there then..... Yeah?" and then nodded and made a salute action to my eyebrow........ Yes I deserve the Prick status for that one. So anyway after a few more tests blood pressure and stuff she asked if she could examine my stomach and to take my shirt off to which I replied, " I thought you'd never ask! ha ha." Yeah she didn't find it funny, looked a bit concerned actually. So cut a long story short did that and the did a prick test for diabetes, obviously passed the prick test for being a bell end but turns out I'm a diabetic.............. fancy that!

So a new chapter to my life that is going to involve taking drugs every day............... not much of a change then really. But I've been given some interim treatment in the mean time and only been taking it since Monday avo and feel like a new man, sleeping proper, hungry again, relaxed again.............. perhaps my bald spot will grow back!

So what's happening in Carlisle then? Its Cumbria Pride today. That's a gay thing, you know how you have Manchester's Mardi Gras which looks like this:-

Cor innit busy, I've been in the middle of that melee loads of times as I'm from from Manchester and it falls around my birthday, by the way not gay especially if my fit new Indian doctors reading this as Id be Muslim for that. But Cumbria Pride looked like this.

It was in a function room in that hotel. In the early eighties judging by the photo. but met some revellers on the way home and they seemed like they enjoyed it. It was probably only quiet as a third of Carlisle's lesbian community is on holiday in Turkey at the mo!

So in a final thought going fishing on Thursday, bit dull you may think but a new mark on the coast on Cumbria has been found. It's going to involve climbing , ropes and chains to get to it. I'm excited as the last time I was involved in ropes, chains and climbing I was sporting an erection. Saying that now I'm on theses new meds I'm as horny as a teenage dog in a vets waiting room.

SEE YOU INNABIT YEAH! CLICK ON THE ADVERTS AND SEND SOME COMMENTS, I MIGHT DJ AT YOUR WEDDING!...................................... YEAH! 

PROFANISAURUS FAVES AGAIN!

Yeah sorry but another lazy cut and paste post again but here we are with a swearing dictionary update, haven't done one in a while but made me giggle putting it together. Most of my American readers probably wont get these! But if you need an explanation or are offended please comment or get in touch and I'll deal with you! My particular faves in the bunch are the BLUNKETT and the INVISIBLE BANJO as it is a fantasy of mine to have a lady friend of mine to wank of in front of me while singing, "When I'm cleaning windows." while I've got my, " Little stick of Blackpool rock," in my hand................ Enjoy

store defective n. A retail store fuckard

unmentionables n. Roman Catholic word allows mother-in-laws to mention genitals or underwear.

butler's cuff n. A tightly-buttoned vagina, the opposite of a wizard's sleeve. A fanny like a mouse's ear.

playing the invisible banjo v. George Formby-style female masturbation technique.

expecting a harsh winter euph. Of a bird, to be putting on weight or over-eating. 'She's stuffing her face with eclairs. She must be expecting a harsh winter.'

Heskey n. A girl who goes down at the slightest touch.

breakfast maker n. An early morning fart which is so smelly that the missus has no choice but to get out of 

bed and make the breakfast.

breather ring n. An anular indentation on a long turd, indicating where the cable layer has had to pause for breath, allowing the nipsy to partially contract. A faecal aneurism. 'Fuck me! That was a bastard to part with. I left it with three breather rings on it.'

Blunkett n. Facial expression adopted when two oncoming attractive ladies are forced to pass one to either side.

gypsy's curse n. The loss of wood before insertion, as a result of failing to buy some pegs at some point in the past 20 years.

pikey's bonus n. A grumble flick found inside a stolen video recorder. A scouser's jackpot.

up and over like a pan of milk euph. Descriptive of a gentleman who is so good at sex that he can ejaculate before he's even got his pants off.

up on blocks adj. Of a woman. A monthly MOTT failure due to a recurring leak under the beetle bonnet.

old dog's nose, dry as an sim. Descriptive of a pink wafer. A moipless muff. 'What's up love? I've been tickling your wotsit for three minutes and you're still as dry as an old dog's nose.'

Radcliffe 1. v. To fail to finish a pint. 2. n. A car that at first sight looks like a good runner, but ends up completely fucked at the side of the road. do a~ 3. v. To give up three quarters of the way through a pub crawl, fall in a gutter, and have a bit of a cry.

flux capacitor 1. n. The invention that allows a 35-year-old Michael J Fox to play a teenager in the 'Back to the Future' trilogy. 2. n. The Y-shaped vein on the shaft of the tallywhacker.

Pearl & Dean necklace n. A frankly unlikely sexual scenario, where one jizzes onto one's girlfriend in the pictures, presumably whilst shouting: 'Pa-paa...pa-paa...pa-paa-paa... pa-pa-pa...paaaaow!'

tescosexual n. A man whose incidence of sexual activity peaks during his wife's trips to the shops.

I'M HAVING BURGERS FROM TESCO FOR TEA TONIGHT................................... WHAT YOU HAVIN' ??????????????????? LATERS YEAH!